Mum with delusional personality

[Flora99]

Hi,

My mum started having delusional thoughts about five years ago. Things such as people are going out of their way to upset her like planting dirt in the house or she doesn't believe things have happened and thinks we're all playing pranks on her, it can be very inappropriate such as her not believeing her sisters husband died of cancer.

When I spend time with her she always harps on about our childhood and she didn't do enough and I am constantly having to reassure her that my childhood was good. She gets emotional alot and at first I was comforting her and now I avoid the how are you subject and keep conversations as light hearted as possible. I also don't really spend time alone with her any more as this is when her behaviour is the worst.

I have 9 month old son, my family is my priority and I've expressed this to both my parents.

Dad copes with mum best he can but I know sometimes he can lose his cool and vents to me about it. I've told him how to better deal with her but I'm not sure I could deal with my partner constantly having delusional thoughts.

Dad has recently said he can't cope and said he feels like leaving her. I told him I would understand if he did but if he's only saying that out if frustration then to get some counselling for himself. I told him I wish I could do more but I just can't as discussing mum all the time really gets me down and I really want to break the cycle of depression and other mental illness in our family to ensure my child is given to best chance for a happy life.

My partners family are more 'normal'and just talk about everyday things. I wish my family were the same.

I feel guilty that I can't help dad with mum any more, but I know being around their negativity really gets me down so either way I'm trying to protect myself by setting boundaries but then feel guilty for not giving my dad the support he really needs.

[Croix]

Dear Flora99~

Welcome here, I can well empathize with both you and your dad over a person becoming delusional. As you do not mention treatment I am supposing this is a condition associated with age. It has append twice to those near me, once due to illness and once to age.

I think it would be especially hard for your dad, seeing a long-term partner and part of his soul being eroded away to an almost unrecognizable person of such limited capacity. All the shared moments together going or gone. For him to vent to you is upsetting, hard to bear but not surprising. You are an integral part of his life too, and are rational.

For you it is also very upsetting, the person you called mum is not there, and you too are presented with some other person, and the difference and lack of capability and memory is heartbreaking.

I think you are handling it as well as is possible, building barriers and keeping the conversations with her more inconsequential, not giving her time to irrationally blame herself for the past.

Although it might perhaps seem to help your dad you cannot focus on your mum in conversations with him. It harms you. A councilor for your dad might be the way to go. Better for him too by far.

It is a pity your family is negative, that is exactly what is not needed and I'm glad your partner's family is more support by talking everyday things - you need it.

I realise it's going to make little difference, but guilt is misplaced -though an awful lot of children feel it about their parents in this sort of situation. Your children - and you - have to be your priority.

One tiny thing I found, instead of referring to the person by their title "mum" or "son" or whatever was used, call them by their first name. It can help you separate the previous person who has gone from the new one

Please feel free to come back and talk some more, it is not easy

Croix