Married to a Police Officer

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Anyone else live with a Police Officer?

We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped & then started again & then took them sometimes & now he's decided he "doesn't need them" & has been off them for months. He knows that you aren't supposed to do that. So in a nutshell, he's an absolute grouch. (Only to me though, not to the kids)

Yes, we've tried counselling in the past. NO, he will never go again. NO, I can't go alone. TOO expensive, NO babysitters.

We have a viscous circle where, quite bluntly, if I don't have sex with him he treats badly, but then if I do have sex with him I don't feel much of a change in his approach towards me, so I put a wall up & don't really want to get close to him in a sexual way.

He gets annoyed with ME because I want to tidy the house when people come over. He thinks I'm OCD. (Trust me, our house is FAR from perfect. We have 2 small kids.) Gets annoyed because I won't cook him a fried breakfast on the weekend. (A) it's unhealthy B) it's time consuming & C) I have too much to do rather than just create more mess.)

We went to lunch at a club recently. He asked if I was going to play keno & I said no thanks. Got annoyed & called me boring. (We had played Keno the weekend before and had a nice win, but I don't feel the need to play often.)

I'm always the last one to sit down of an evening but basically, in his mind I'm lazy and boring and do nothing. (I'm a mother of 2, who works outside the home 3 days a week & is currently preparing our house for renovation AND we have lots of family & friends who we see often so I'm the only one who organises these gatherings. Yep, I don't do MUCH!)

He's a police sergeant & I will never understand the pressures he's under, but I can appreciate his work is stressful. I do as much as I can around the house & with the children, to relieve his stress. I'm certain he self medicates with alcohol. He drinks every night. Minimum 4-6 drinks. He doesn't get angry or aggressive.

When trying to negotiate decisions for our home renovation he gets really impatient. I'm trying to calmly share ideas & he gets really short with me. Accuses me of "taking over" or "wanting everything my way." His communication with me is terrible. That being said, the department he's in for work DEPENDS on excellent, detailed related communication!

Thoughts?

[Croix]

Dear Hope~

To answer the easiest part first, my wife learned by trial and error what might help, and that was to sometimes leave me alone, other times to try and talk, mostly about non-important matters. Very hard for her as I was not consistent, sometimes the offer of a cuppa would be welcome, other times it would make me resentful and angry -it depended how bound up I was in my thoughts I guess. Pressing did not help.

Her understanding none of this was her fault was vital.

Many police form a social group, and a partner knows a person's colleagues and their partners too. It may well be that some have noticed a change in your husband at work. My own demeanor changed, becoming terse and overly occupied in particular tasks, striving for perfection in some tasks , while at the same time neglecting others and being preoccuied.. Anxiety, frustration and temper bound up in inefficiency, feelings and remarks about pointlessness and less inclination to fraternize were all evident.

So you may have others who can suggest matters need remedying and that medical help either via the job or privately is in order. This can be particularly effective if someone your husband respects talks to him.

Your husband is not me, and may not have the same illness I did, while I can't say what approach you should take I can ask you what you think will happen if he does not get adequate medical support. This may help you decide.

Bottling things up and not talking to those who love you and would give support may seem easiest, and true it does introduce a different dynamic, as you say the situation becomes more real in some ways. Nevertheless having others to lean on makes a huge difference. As I mentioned my wife had her mother, I would honestly think you need someone too.

Croix

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Hi Croix and Miss Hope,

How are you both?

Miss Hope your situation sounds a lot like what I am going through at the moment. Although I am at the stage where I will be moving out to my parents with my youngest daughter.

Things have not got worse nor better if that makes any sense at all. My husband says he is confused about our future. He goes from I love you and is very romantic and doting and loving to cold and unfeeling all within a week. Everyday is different. The issue I am having is that when he chooses to be cold and unfeeling and does not come home that evening my poor children want to know where their father is and of course they come to me for answers and I don't even know. So I try to reach him for them and my phone calls and text messages go unanswered. I see the hurt in their eyes and it kills me and I know it hurts them. I get angry and disappointed when he does this.

He also says he still loves me and I love him too but I am so guarded... he told me two weeks ago and said he loved me and wanted to try again only to tell me two weeks later that he wanted me to move on, which broke me all over again. I am moving out so that he can figure out what he wants. I also need to figure out what I want because I think my feelings for him have changed throughout this whole saga. I feel as though I care about him and still want to be there for him but I am unsure whether I want this in my life any more.

My parents asked me a very hard question a week ago. They said to me "If you decide to stay together, can you carry him? Can you live like this?" at first I thought "Of course I can! I love him" but then when I started to really think about it I am not sure that it is what I want in my future. Whatever happens in our future, whether we stay together or divorce I will always care about him and love him, that will never go away. But to commit myself completely again, I don't think I can. It isn't just for me but for my children, what good am I if I fall with him. I will help him and lift him up as much as I can but to carry him which is what I feel like I am doing is too much.

I think when I leave him there will be clarity for both of us.

I am at peace with my decision and although this is hard, I know I am strong and that things will eventually fall into place.

Please keep in touch Miss Hope and Croix and anyone else going through this.

Kind regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

I'm glad your parents are understanding and helpful, that question really did need to be asked. As I may have mentioned, I was lucky in that I improved relatively quickly and was able to be a more stable and loving partner, not all are so fortunate.

That being said if things had gone on as they were I don't think anyone could have born up under the weight. The emotional toll is simply too great.

Loving a person is not the same as living with them and being a permanent support. Relationships do have to be reliably two-way, and children need security and consistency to prosper.

Improvement from waht may perhaps be PTSD, anxiety and depression or burnout (I'm guessing, I'm no doctor) depends upon -as you know -three things, family support if available, a desire to recognize the the problem by the person involved, and cooperating wiht medical treatment -of a specialized sort. Without at least the last two - plus the removal of the original stressors, I'm not sure of any positive outcome.

In some ways withdrawing from you would seem easy in the short term to him, all I can hope is your separation will help him see he needs to take action, at least for his own good.

I'm very glad you have somewhere to go

Croix