Married to a Police Officer

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Anyone else live with a Police Officer?

We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped & then started again & then took them sometimes & now he's decided he "doesn't need them" & has been off them for months. He knows that you aren't supposed to do that. So in a nutshell, he's an absolute grouch. (Only to me though, not to the kids)

Yes, we've tried counselling in the past. NO, he will never go again. NO, I can't go alone. TOO expensive, NO babysitters.

We have a viscous circle where, quite bluntly, if I don't have sex with him he treats badly, but then if I do have sex with him I don't feel much of a change in his approach towards me, so I put a wall up & don't really want to get close to him in a sexual way.

He gets annoyed with ME because I want to tidy the house when people come over. He thinks I'm OCD. (Trust me, our house is FAR from perfect. We have 2 small kids.) Gets annoyed because I won't cook him a fried breakfast on the weekend. (A) it's unhealthy B) it's time consuming & C) I have too much to do rather than just create more mess.)

We went to lunch at a club recently. He asked if I was going to play keno & I said no thanks. Got annoyed & called me boring. (We had played Keno the weekend before and had a nice win, but I don't feel the need to play often.)

I'm always the last one to sit down of an evening but basically, in his mind I'm lazy and boring and do nothing. (I'm a mother of 2, who works outside the home 3 days a week & is currently preparing our house for renovation AND we have lots of family & friends who we see often so I'm the only one who organises these gatherings. Yep, I don't do MUCH!)

He's a police sergeant & I will never understand the pressures he's under, but I can appreciate his work is stressful. I do as much as I can around the house & with the children, to relieve his stress. I'm certain he self medicates with alcohol. He drinks every night. Minimum 4-6 drinks. He doesn't get angry or aggressive.

When trying to negotiate decisions for our home renovation he gets really impatient. I'm trying to calmly share ideas & he gets really short with me. Accuses me of "taking over" or "wanting everything my way." His communication with me is terrible. That being said, the department he's in for work DEPENDS on excellent, detailed related communication!

Thoughts?

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

Being frightened for the future, and being angry that all your love and support seems unheeded is very natural. My wife was both. somehow she managed to put it (mostly) to one side. There were occasions when any reasonable person might have given up. I was prone to anger, distant, no intimacy, controlling and anxiety-ridden.

I was unsure what was in my head - I did not really have a clue and kept going by instinct and circumstances. If your husband is hanging on in the hope that things will improve he may be mistaken, I was.

I surprisingly enough was sort of aware of this even though I no longer knew anything about love, and did try to show at least a little appreciation at times. As I improved I more than once discussed with my wife why she stayed, I would not have blamed her in the slightest if she had gone. Her answer was that she simply loved more than feared or felt angry and had hope -I'm not sure why. Maybe my making her a cup of tea after my bitterly complaining about something made a difference. Maybe the offspring or her mum. I think her going to work helped too.

In time I returned to be a loving person, even though I still have residual effects/symptoms. Although at the time my efforts to show care were pretty pathetic I later had the chance to support her though a long terminal illness, an opportunity I'm ever grateful for.

I still suggest the same thing, you do nothing, he does more to get appropriate help. I was very lucky, all I can do is hope you are as fortunate.

There is one important thing, just because my situation worked out does not mean if you decide to separate you should feel the slightest guilt (though no doubt you would). Living in this situation, especially if it deteriorates further, can become simply impossible.

As you say, a step at a time

Croix

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Hey Croix,

Just an update. Amazing what a few weeks of insight can do. Also looking introspectively. We have decided to separate mutually and with no regret moving forward. I clarified things with him about three nights ago and he confirmed that he is sure we cannot salvage this marriage. My fear is financial and yes being alone.

I have made a decision to learn how to be me on my own, independent of him if that makes sense. He will always be a part of me but I need to learn to be self reliant and to find the happiness within myself rather than searching outward. Too often and it's human nature we can sometimes lean on others too much. For me I feel like I relied on him to make me happy when really I had to love myself first. I am now learning that I can be happy on my own and that I need to be happy on my own.

We as humans want connectivity. I tied myself esteem in him loving me. But really my self esteem should be found within myself and not reliant on the praise or love and acceptance of others.

Rejection is what scares me like most people. But rejection just means that I am not for them, I am not their cup of tea and I have to learn to be okay with that.

I feel that I have shifted since I was last on here. I feel that I am being more realistic about the situation and less thoughts and fantasies are flooding my mind. I don't think I actually realised how miserable we were becoming. I feel it would be toxic if we stayed together.

Moving forward I need to focus on the children and my career and my relationships with other family members. More importantly the relationship I have with myself.

This has been a huge week of realisation.

I also have more support than I thought I would, which is awesome!

Feeling optimistic today, let's see what tomorrow brings.

Kind regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

Now I come to think of that I'm glad you used a name that belongs to you alone, being described as somebody's wife did not sound as if it had good prospects.

Of course we invest a lot in a partnership, however being oneself is the basis and you realize that. It can be lonely, but not as lonely as depending on someone else. It also means you have more to give, a whole person.

So while I'm sorry that you and your husband have to part I'm hopeful that you will continue on to a better life.

I wish him well too, through no fault of his own he is perhaps heading towards the trap I fell into, I hope not.

Even with work, family and kids I doubt it will all be a smooth ride, you know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Dear Croix,

I am on a low again. Had such a good day yesterday. I felt like I was getting on top of work and super focused.

My ex husband hit me with something that sounds stupid but was so hard for me to hear. He had seen a psychic two to three years ago and he kept this from me understandably - he only told me certain things. He revealed that the psychic had predicted our split. She said that the woman before me had broken him, I healed him but that we would not stay together and the woman after me will be the one.

I know there is a positive in this in that I healed him, I loved him, I looked after his kids and our kids and I made him who he is today. The obvious sad part of it all is that we don't end up together and it is absolutely final.

The other torturous side of things is that I was doing so well until he told me this, I know my anxiety is getting the better of me because why should it matter what the psychic had said - it did not impact him at the time. He actually said to himself she can predict that but in the end he makes his own choices.

Moving forward I need to think about the future and what lies ahead and what needs to be done.

A good friend told me today that I should not rush this grieving process as it will definitely take some time. It is just so hard to focus on everyday living when we are both struggling. It is hard to see someone you still love and care about depressed and going through a hard time because all I want to do is fix it. Just like I want to do that for our kids.

We are both very supportive of each other but that in itself is difficult because we are both struggling. I need to see someone about this outside of our marriage. I definitely have to see a professional when I have some time off of work. If you have any words of wisdom or words of encouragement. I would love to hear them!

Kind regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

I have no idea why his psych said that. To someone that depended heavily on him (even if he did not realise it) it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Far better to say make it work. If it does not then worry about that then. All this has done is provide a certain fatalism during your marriage, and he will have more guilt now for bringing you into a situation he felt might fail. Saying he makes his own choices is not really an antidote to a so called 'professional' opinion.

I -as a layman- would think saying he was resourceful, a determined and caring type who could make things work would have been a lot more productive.

So I'm sorry. Frankly I think there is very great consolation in knowing your presence has been a healing influence. Love, care, consideration -and sense - combine to restore a shattered person's faith in human beings.

PTSD is most often not a quick fix condition, and the legacy it leaves impairs judgment, promotes distrust, lack of self worth and decision making that is less than optimum, I should know.

Keeping it from you is not 'understandably', you needed to know and sound competent enough to deal with it. Being forewarned can allow one to look at things in a slightly different and less personal way, it is really a threesome, you, your partner and the condition. If there is anger or distrust it may not be your doing, and that knowledge gives strenght.

Do you mind if I ask a question? You have said your breakup is final, OK. You are also suffering from seeing your ex in poor condition. Plus he seems to be looking to you still by recounting such matters from the past.

If it really is final is it possible to physically separate?

Perhaps I misunderstand but it seems to me to be a sort of half way stage, and that is upsetting you and may continue to do so until he is no longer a major part of your life.

Croix

[Miss_Hope]

Hi Croix,

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. It has given me some hope, in a place of real sadness.

Knowing that you and your wife somehow made it work has given me hope. What you said about your wife really resonated with me. Her strength and resilience is so admirable.

My partner is going through some tough times at the moment and continues to push me away. It seems that work has gotten the better of him lately, and he can’t seem to seperate himself from it. I can see in his eyes that he’s changing. I try to get him to open up to me about it all, but he says that it is too much for me to understand.

For the first time in 5 years, he told me that we’re better off apart. He said he loves me but just thinks he can’t give me what I deserve. But what he doesn’t understand is that he’s already given me more happiness than I could have ever dreamed of.

I love him more than he could ever hurt me. And as much as my heart is breaking, I will continue to be by his side.

[Croix]

Dear Hope (misshope sounds a bit gloomy)~

You are welcome, I made lots of mistakes and ended up very lucky to still have a partner and family.

I found as I became more ill the job took over to the exclusion of all else, and I did not even perform well there, too distracted, fearful, exhausted and ignorant

I say ignorant becuse I'd no idea what was happening to me and believed everything I thought - which sounds a bit weird. I too thought my family would be better without me, plus the effort of dealing with even loved ones was very very great.

I doubt it is consciously trying to close you out, more like the effort is too great, and thinking about things so as to explain makes them worse.

I'd no idea if I loved my partner or family, I'd no idea if I was capable of love. Trying to keep up at work took everything I had, and even that was not enough.

So you have read it all above, both you and your husband need proper support. My wife had her mum who was marvelous, who do you have? Trying to cope and support all alone is a terrible burden and not all make it thorough.

If your husband is in the situation i was then he needs professional help, and a change in life, be it from one section to another or reduction in duties. I don't know what is practical. I do know that I - if I was in your husband's place - would resist such suggestions, it's hard.

You can talk here anytime you know, we may not have quick answers but we understand very well and do care.

Croix

[Miss_Hope]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the reply.

I definitely think professional help would help him, but I want to ease him on to it. As much as it hurt him telling me how he’s feeling at the moment, I am happier knowing the truth. I want him to feel like he can continue to slowly open up to me and if I keep telling him to seek professional help I’m scared he will just close up all together. How should I approach this, should I give him more time, or just tell him he needs to speak to someone?

You’re right, I too probably need to speak to someone. I do have a very close relationship with my family and friends but I actually haven’t told them about any of this. The issues my partner and I are having is really starting to get to me, but I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone about it. As sad as this sounds, I feel like if I share this with my loved ones, it becomes even more real. I feel like if I just keep this to myself somehow it can all go away...

It’s crazy that I never would have imagined this is where he and I would be. My partner and I have always had a strong relationship. I think he’s been bottling up his pressures from work for so long that it’s all spilling out now and he’s not sure how to handle it.

All I want to do is be there for him. I want to be patient and care for him, but I don’t want to smother him. I am starting to feel awkward around him as I don’t know how I should be supporting him. How did your wife help you get through your rough times? Did you feel like you needed space, or did you prefer her to keep talking to you about what you were going through?

Thank you again for your support.

[Croix]

Dear Hope

I will answer later
-C

[Bec_b]

Your husband seems very disrespectful towards you. There’s no excuse for that. Your children would be seeing it and causing them anxiety, would could have long term negative effects on them. I’m speaking from experience.

You need to think of you. If he’s capable of not being a jerk to others then he’s choosing to be so to you... that’s not cool. I don’t care what his job is. Most

jobs cause tiredness and stress.