Hello,
I’m struggling with depression. I’m not sure if talking to others
will help, but I haven't got any better ideas, so I might as well give it a try. When you’re depressed it’s
difficult to muster up the inner strength to do anything to help yourself, to lift
yourself out of the pit. I get in a negative headspace, my situation looks hopeless,
so why bother trying to do anything about it.
I’m in difficult life circumstances. I’m a full time carer
for my partner who has cancer. Over 5 years ago he was told he had 12 months to
live, but he’s still here thanks to new treatment drugs which have worked for
him. That is good news of course, but the downside is he is very much diminished,
physically and emotionally. He is basically an invalid, can’t do much at all,
even self-care. It’s been such a long time, there have been so many ups and
downs. I am so tired. It’s not physically difficult, but I’m emotionally exhausted.
You just wish for it to be over, but then feel bad for wishing it, because the
only way this can be over is when he dies. So you feel like you just wished he
would die.
One thing I find very difficult is my job is to support him,
to enhance his quality of life as best I can. And when you do that for a long
time you kind of run out of caring. You don’t have anything left to help
yourself.
So that’s my sad story and it’s not surprising I would be mentally
and emotionally exhausted. I need to find some more inner strength and stamina.
It’s not a finite resource, it gets replenished and not all the days are this hard.
But I am also slowly getting weaker, just like he is, and I won’t make the distance
if I don’t start paying more attention to my own care. And that feels hard because
it seems like I’m adding to my caring load when I’m struggling. Now I have to
look after him as well as cry-baby me.
