Long Distance Girlfriend Has Depression--Am I Helping and What are We In For?

[Brady]

So my girlfriend lives 7 1/2 hours away and had a history of depression, although she rarely showed it, so I thought the worst was behind us. Recently, she had a "depression attack" after loosing both her job and financial aide from the college she's studying at. She moved back in with her parents and has decided to take off a semester of school and wait to find a job until she had started fighting off this chemical imbalance she's been struggling with since she was 14. I told her I would be with her, if she would allow me, every step of the way, providing whatever support I can from such a long distance. She believes she has Atypical Depression based on her research, although she'll be visiting the doctor in a couple days to be sure. In the meantime, we talk almost daily, usually via text. Most of the time, we joke about things and good around, which at times worries me that she just kind of buries it. Occasionally we will get on the subject of her depression, where I'll try to be as encouraging and positive as possible, saying stuff like "I'm really impressed with how you're handling this" or "that's one more problem taken care of!" etc. She's also a big Doctor Who fan, so I've taken up watching the show (kinda painful) so I can have a subject to bring up that seems to get her mind off of her current state of being. Everything seems like it's fine for now, but based on stories I've read, though, I'm really afraid it could all come crashing down after a while. 

1) Is my approach of trying to distract her from her stress the right way to help? I usually let her steer the conversation, so I listen when she's down, but I try to keep it upbeat. 

2) Assuming she does have Atypical Depression, and she's actually very determined to treat it as much as possible, even making a daily list of activities to do to fight it off and not worrying herself about a job or school until she thinks she's ready, would anyone know an approximate amount of time it might take to see substantial improvement?

[Neil_1]

Hi Brady

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Oh man, can I just say first up that you are one hell of a great guy with all the things that you've mentioned.  What is a shame is that you can't be actually closer to your girlfriend - to actually be with her.  Is there no opportunity for that?   Cause as you're no doubt experiencing to be in any relationship that has distance between it is difficult but to top it off with the issues of a mental health related issue, then that just makes it so much worse.

Can I also state that what you're doing so far is awesome.  Taking up with her fave show (even though it sounds like it's not a fave of yours - mine either, but hey, my partner and my daughter also LOVE it) - but for you to do that so you can have common ground and interests to talk about and to take her mind off issues, is brilliant.

It's great that you've done research on how things can be etc;  but with regard to research, try not to go too in depth as to how some stories pan out, which I believe is what you have done by asking such questions like things could come crashing down.

You honestly won't know that - each situation is different and each person is different, so it's just so hard to advise how things will turn out.  That also goes in regard to your Number 2) point as well - without knowing exactly the person, the level of depression she's experiencing, her coping mechanisms, professional support, etc;  I'm sorry, but it's just too difficult to give an estimated time for any kinds of improvement.   All you can do is to continue on doing what you're doing, which as I said before, is really all the right things.

With regard to question 1), yes, what you're doing is great.  Listening and acknowledging is fantastic and then take the conversation from there - if time allows for you to mention anything new you've done recently, then you could offer that, but for the most part, it's just listening and acknowledging what she's been doing and how she's going.

I'm sure there'll be others along here to provide some of their insights as well, but I hope for the moment, I've been able to provide you with some ok advice.

I do hope that you can get back to us also.

Kind regards

Neil

[Brady]

Neil1, your response is one of the best things I've ever read! Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm so glad to hear I seem to be getting it right, it's a huge relief.

In answer to your question about seeing her in person...that's difficult. See, now that she's living with her parents, they kinda set the rules and they pretty much distrust any guy she comes into contact with (she's 21, so it's definitely a weird situation). So it sounds like meeting her will take quite a while, sad to say, but it'll all be worth it if it works out in the long run.

We are trying to establish times to Skype each other to at least kinda make up for it. It's only been about a week since she moved back in and had her depression attack, so I haven't really brought it up until now, now that she's calmed down a bit and starting to feel a bit better.

Again, Neil1 thank you so much for this! I've been looking for some kind of solid answer somewhere along the way and this is the first I've gotten!

[Neil_1]

Hi Brady

That's great and I'm so pleased with your response back.  I'm really happy that I was able to give you some answers and assurances.

Skype is a good thing as well, especially for any kind of distance communication.  Well, better than texting or emails ain't it.  🙂

I'm just curious to hear that she had her depression attack about a week after she moved back in - back in with her parents?   Could that be a catalyst for it?  Hey, i'm not trying to raise anything bad here, it just sounded so and thought I'd query that.

It is good to hear that she has calmed down now - and I'm sure that your help and support that you've been giving her has assisted her greatly.

In the meantime, I guess just keep doing what you're doing.  Also, as we always say here - stay with his for as long as you can and if you have other questions, please unload.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:   I've just returned from a holiday overseas where I saw a t-shirt that really struck a cord with me.  DADD - Dad's Against Daughter's Dating.  🙂  You see, my little girl is 13yo.  We stood each side of the sign and had a photo taken.  It was funny stuff.

[Brady]

In answer to your question: yes, it was triggered by outside factors, but moving back in with her parents was actually the result of all this happening. See, first she lost her job (admittedly she knew it was temporary and probably should have prepared for it more) and got really freaked out after being turned down everywhere she applied. On top of that, the college she went to essentially threatened to take away her financial aid since she's actually been to several schools due to varying circumstances. All of this resulted in a panic/depression attack and her parents came and got her to provide her financial support and firm ground to heal back up. And to keep her away from the various male individuals she was friends with (which I'm somewhat appreciative of, for reasons obvious, not that I don't trust her. We agreed to keep it kinda open and avoid the stress of a closed long-distance thing).

[Neil_1]

Hi Brady

Sounds like she's had it pretty tough for a while - and all due to mixed circumstances, which we obviously don't need to know about.

But from what I'm gathering at the moment, she's in a safe place and is supported by her parents and of course, the great support and care that you're providing for her as well.  Must be tough though for you - being such a distance away.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Neil