I want to help him but I don't know what else to do

[Kate_R]

So I was with my ex for almost 7 years. Earlier this year, we decided to break it off after realising that we were growing apart as we were growing up and finishing our studies. We decided to remain friends as we still wanted to be in each others lives. Over the past six months, my ex's depression and anxiety is becoming close to severe. He has become agitated and doing things that he knows will upset me. He very rarely loses his temper or snaps at me but it is becoming more apparent in the last few months. We fight every time we see each other and were both unhappy. 

I don't know what else I can do but Im being pushed to the edge and I'm on the verge of leaving this friendship. But if I do, Ill be leaving him alone with his depression. I'm not sure if I'm the reason in the first place and if leaving will help or if things will become worse. He does see a professional, who said his anxiety could be caused by the change in his life of us not being together.

I want to help, but he isn't the same person anymore and I don't know if I can stay around anymore. I feel horrible for that but I have tried to be supportive and maybe my leaving will be the shock he needs to get better.

So, should I stay or do I go?

[AGrace]

Hi Kate,

Unfortunately only you can answer that question, but I guess you will want to make an informed decision.

How long has your friend been seeing a therapist for? Is he taking any medication to help with the depression?

It sounds like you need to have a long chat with your friend. Let him know your concerns 1. That he is becoming quite snappy with you and you don't appreciate that behaviour, 2. You are concerned that you or the ending of your relationship may be contributing to his mental ill health, 3. You really want to be able to support him, but you're struggling to work out how.

Have you asked him if he would be willing to do a joint session with you and his therapist? It might be good, particularly if you feel you are all he has, to voice some of your concerns with his treating professional.

What does your friend do at the moment? Is he working? Does he have friends other than you? Does he have family that are supportive? Are your family supportive of you? Are they aware of your friend's mental illness?

I hope some of the suggestions help, and I apologise for all the questions. I hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Kate, thanks for joining the site, and the question you are asking is a difficult one to answer, well not really, simply because if you stay with your ex, he may become worse, and if you go he may also become worse, so it's a two sided sword here.

At the moment he is not good, but the point that you make here is that he is doing things which he knows will upset you, so the answer is there.

Whether his depression has made him do these things could be so, but I don't believe that this is the case here, simply for the reason that the both of you were growing apart, finding other avenues in life that the both of you want to explore.

If you decide to stay with him, the relationship will only get worse, and not only he will suffer from depression but you will also get drawn into this illness and become depressed and this isn't what you want.

Personally I believe your best option is to go your own way, but I'm not taking anything away from your ex, he does need professional help, but if you stay with him then the relationship will only get ugly.

Sorry but that's the way I see it, and I hope that I haven't upset you. L Geoff. x