I want my husband to be happy again

[sweet_tooth]

Hi, My name is Nat.

I am very aware of what depression is, I have had it for many years, as too has my husband. I have managed to come through mine. But not without consequences. I know what its like to feel no hope and no way out, to feel everyone would be better off without my issues burdening them. I ended up in ICU because of that thinking. I have been through a lot to get where I am today and I absolutely refuse to allow my husband to go through that!! My husbands depression was and still is a result of mine. Now, for the past several yrs I have been battling other health issues and it has caused my husband to fall back into the depression spiral. He works hard, his job is highly stressful, we have 3 young children who keep us on our feet too. He takes on positions in the community that adds more stress, He is constantly running around getting things done. He takes our kids to their after school sports every day, if I cant. He takes them to school and picks them up, also if I cant...which is often these days. He does the washing now too. my in-laws come over to help out once or twice a week with the house work. I am predictably unpredictable you would say. I have lack of mobility in my muscles some days and not in others, I have chronic RA and am on treatment that makes it difficult to fight off any germs. I am having tests to see if it may be a neuro problem too. I was just in hospital this Christmas, with meningitis...two yrs in row now. My immune system is very low. On the days I can function, I do all I can to take the load off my husbands shoulders, but I cant fix the problem and so he feels like he is always doing everything! He gets mad at me, blames me when hes angry. I understand the anger, its hell frustrating!!! but I have no control over it! It gets to my husband a lot!! Tonight he told me (after seeing the news about Charlotte Dawsons death), that it hit home for him. he is feeling overwhelmed and beyond stressed. he doesn't sleep well, he hasn't for yrs. he takes anti depression meds, but our situation isn't getting easier and so the load gets heavier. I want my husband to be happy again! He has no friends outside of the family. He sits at his computer and games day in day out when hes not working or driving kids around or doing house work or taking me to my appointments. He doesn't enjoy spending time around people. he doesn't like to go anywhere. He does the bare minimum and that's even become a chore. My husband is bored, tired and sees no light at the end of the tunnel and I cant guarantee one either. he has put on 60kgs and i constantly worry that he may have a heart attack. he eats a lot of sweets and sometimes that's all he eats for every meal of the day. He's not himself anymore. I try to stay out of his way, but he flies off the handle all the time..he's become like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I never know who I'm going to get. My family say I shouldn't put up with this anymore and that I should leave him, but I just don't see that as the answer. He needs help, but wont ask for it. he is extremely stubborn, obstinate and obnoxious, all lawyers are. He's always right and sees things black or white, all or nothing. Right now I fear he will give up if something doesn't change soon. I am hoping I can get him to join a mens group where he can vent his frustrations. I just have no idea how to do that. no one can make my hubby do anything he doesn't want to. We have been married 14 years this yr and we have had a 1 yr separation 4 yrs ago now. When things get too hard for him lately, he just wants to give up. He's rude to me, gets nasty and is highly sarcastic and pessimistic. We have come so far and have learnt so much, together, I cant watch us go back to where we once were and that's what I'm seeing. I am on eggshells again, the kids are aware of daddys moods and how he speaks to mummy. He's a good man,  a good dad, he works hard and has been through more than any man should be put through in a life time...I need him to come through this! I love him, he's my best friend. he deserves to be happy! We deserve to be happy!

[Neil_1]

Hi Nat  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I do have to say, well done to you on providing this first post.   It’s full of detail and might I also so …  “wow, this is a big situation that you’ve got”.  

Bear with me as I’m going to try and comment, break it down a bit and also pop off some questions to you as well.  

May I first ask, how you felt during that trial separation 4 years ago?  I’m guessing that your kids were very young at that time?  If I had to end this post right now as I couldn’t write too much more, I would suggest that this option be trialled again.  Do you think that if something like this would occur it “might” just trigger something in hubby’s mind to say, “Hey, if this trial is serious, and this is how it could all end … I could lose Nat … I could lose my beautiful kids”.    I wonder if he might think that?  That’s just a suggestion Nat, but that is the first one that comes to my mind.  

You mentioned that hubby is stubborn and all of those things … and yet he IS on medication.  So he must have ventured along to a GP at some stage in the past to be (a) diagnosed with depression and (b) to be considered bad enough to be given meds to assist.  The other suggestion would be (and you’ve answered this by saying that he won’t) to see if he can go back to where he went in the first place to see what the GP thinks now and to possibly review his meds?  

 I was also going to suggest that maybe that’s how your hubby operates … when you say that he takes on so many roles and things … my brother is kind of like that;   always gotta be busy – can’t sit still for a moment and I’ve heard it said that if he keeps going like that he’ll come crashing down or burn himself out – but that’s not true – because it is the way he is.  He’s gotta be busy, he’s gotta continually be on the go and doing things, because that’s just how he was manufactured and that’s how he operates.  Your hubby sounds like he has some of those traits as well – although it’s not so good to hear that he then vents any of his frustrations towards you, being rude, nasty and sarcastic – now that’s just not on Nat.  No-one should have to put up with that – from anyone.  

You say that leaving him is not the answer – yet you know ( and I’m assuming we all know on here as well ) that this man needs professional help – but this one seems like a horse who is thirsty but you can’t even catch him to take him to the water – you know, the old analogy, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.  That’s where my initial suggestion “might” work.  It might, but obviously not knowing him one bit, it is hard to tell if it would.   But just hearing how he’s now treating you and by the sound of it, he does this in front of the children as well – it’s an awful situation.  

Nat, I’m going to send this off now … and hope that I might have raised something to help for the time being – and I really hope that you can get back to us.  

Kind regards  

Neil