My girlfriend. Need some serious advice/help asap. Im getting desperate, depressed as well, and getting into bad habits..

JoshB · ‎15-01-2014

My girlfriend has had depression for a couple years now. She see's a councillor and such. However that does not seem to be helping, at all. She is now having one of the worst depressive 'attacks' I guess, I have ever seen. We live at distance so it only makes things harder. She has been thinking about suicide all week, and has started growing insensitive to my feelings for her, and my compliments.. She feels fat, not worth it, ugly, calls herself a monster.. She sends me ppictures of awfully underweight girls telling me thats how she wants to look. Telling me that it is beautiful, not her. I tell her that isnt healthy, that she is perfect the way she is. I've followed every bit of advice I could possibly find but It just doesn't help.. I tell her everyday that im here for her. Only a phone/skype call away. But she's always busy with her schoolwork, only on weekends is she free to call me or skype me but even then we never have the chance because either she or I has something on. She says 'One day, I will kill myself. It might not be today but I know I'll end my life on my own terms.' as you can imagine this is probably the most upsetting thing I've ever had to read. She keeps telling me to just go and find some skinny girl.. She's not fat, a little on the chubby/curvy side but honestly she's more beautiful to me than any girl. I can't handle it. So I turned to smoking, It's a hhorrible habit, and I hate it already, but I just cannot do this anymore without something to calm my nerves.

She self harms writes 'fat' and 'ugly' on her legs. It's so upsetting. I always say im here for here for her, she's cried to me over the phone before, and on skype, but she doesnt like to anymore because she 'doesnt want to hurt me'. Im confused.. Tired.. Angry.. Depressed and sad.. I really need some advice. Oh and before anyone tells me to tell her to speak to a doctor or open up to her councillor more, I tried. It makes her angry, she says im pushing her away and it becomes a fight. I tried asking her friends to maybe suggest somethings but she tears me a new one for telling her friends about her depression.. I haven't done anything like that for months now.

Im really, really scared.. And I could do with any help or suggestions, please. And thankyou.

Chris_B · ‎16-01-2014

Hi JoshB,

Welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear that things are so tough for you and your girlfriend at the moment. It sounds like your girlfriend needs some more support than she is receiving currently.

A first step would be to make sure her current team are aware of what’s going on. If you're comfortable you could go to an appointment with her (or another support person). You could also give her counsellor a call - this would be to make sure her treating team are fully aware of what’s going on and can ensure their treatment plan is adequate.

Another option is contacting your local area mental health service. Every area in Australia has one, you should be able to find the nearest one via a google search.

If you feel you'd like to talk to someone, there's always our support service on 1300 22 4636, and if its an emergency, then dial 000 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

You may feel that with your girlfriend feeling so low that you need to focus all your energies on her - this is great that you care and want to help, but please also make sure that you look after yourself too so you don't burn out. Just as your girlfriend needs support, you do as well, so do speak to someone and take some time out to do things you enjoy. You don't have to go through this on your own.

Take care mate, and keep in touch to let us know how you're going.

Neil_1 · ‎16-01-2014

Hi Josh

It’s really good that you’ve been able to come on here and submit your post and yes, I can totally understand the concerns that you have.

Ok, so she’s seeing a counsellor … I’m assuming she must have arranged this via a GP visit sometime ago? I hope like crazy that she is opening up to her counsellor the way that she’s opening up to you, because if that’s the case, I hope they are providing her with appropriate advice and assistance. It just sounds to me that she might be telling you that she’s seeing a counsellor, but perhaps she’s not; I say that, because of all the things she’s saying, it doesn’t sound like the counselling sessions are helping her at all.

You say there’s some distance between you. Has this been for a while and is there (a) any chance that this will end soon, so you can move together or (b) any chance that you could possible go and visit her for a period of time, to be on hand to support her?

This is a really difficult time for you Josh … and it sounds like you’re not bearing up overly well yourself. As well as coming on here, which was a great step, could I please suggest that you go to your GP and to unload about what’s happening, as they may have some professional guidance/advice that they may be able to share with you?

Also if you think she's getting to a critical point, you can always ring either Lifeline (131114), the Beyond Blue crisis number (1300 22 4636) or even 000 ... and give them her details.

I’m sorry that I possibly haven’t helped as much as I had wanted too, but if you can get one little piece out of what I’ve written to be useful, I’ll be really pleased. I’m thinking you Josh and your girlfriend … and if you feel able to, it’d be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

JoshB · ‎22-02-2014

Hey guys, sorry for such a late reply.

Both of you have given me some good information. I will be able to see her this year but it will be later in the year.. her situation hasnt improved. Im not sure how open she is with her councillor. I told her i want her to speak to a doctor. She only replied with 'i just dont care anymore.. i feel numb.. ill do whatever you say..' im really worrying. Its.. getting out of my hands now i think. She says she hates the fat on her body (which is near non existent, shes a bit curvy and thinks she is fat), she says she wants to rip it off.. she wants to stop eating.. she feels like vomiting when she does.. she cuts her wrists and cries..

I really dont know what to do.. all i can do right now is ask her to see a doctor but she just does not see a point in it anymore.. she says she feels dead inside so she just wants to die.. its heartbreaking reading these things. We've been together for 14 months now and its slowly just gotten worse. It used yo be a rare thing, these breakdowns.. but now what has become rare is her being happy.. shes sad moee often than she is happy now. I really am finding it difficult to cope.. im really struggling with what to say because she pushes me into a corner .. if i say she isnt fat she says im a liar and if i even so as mentioned that shes just a bit curvy .. im sure you can imagine how she would react. She says she wishes she could see her ribs and bones.. this is really worrying.. i really just want her to be the girl i fell in love with again.. im finding it hard to believe that she will ever be that girl again recently.

If any of you have any further suggestions it would be great to hear from you again.

SGde3a · ‎24-02-2014

Hi Josh,

You asked for serious help, so what I would do is try not to tell her she is totally perfect and healthy and to ignore her internal feelings towards herself. This comes across as 'condescending sympathy' and on a tone-level chart i keep around me numbness is just one point above that sympathy. If you lower yourself to say she is perfect and does not need any help and is as healthy as can be with a great smile she will see straight through it - you need to tackle the location where she is coming from.

You can ask, "How come you want to look thin?" or "Who told you/where did you get from that you need to look as thin as those other girls?". "What happens if you're as thin as those other girls?"

Please do not tell her to call someone who cares such as a hotline or lifeline. Or to see a psychologist, or worse to put her on pills and ignore her problem that way. She needs to be listened to and comminucated with properly, and to ignore any stigma in talking to her whole heartedly even if it comes across gay or like some character you dont like... It doesnt matter how it comes across as long as she questions her thoughts that she's worthless.