I sometimes struggle with my wife's depression

[Fishproquo]

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I guess I'm just looking for some other people to talk to about having a wife who suffers with depression. I struggle at times as I feel that I do so much to try and make her life easier, less stressful and I guess it gets to me when I'm constantly trying so hard whilst all the time my needs are basically not met.. And then all these things I do don't seem to help. From cooking to cleaning to looking after the kids so that she can go and take time out to do things or see her friends.  I guess it's just hard at times to always be giving so much of yourself and not getting the things that I require to live happily. I hate that I get annoyed by not getting what I want so I get upset and cranky with her and then she cries because I'm upset with her for not giving me what I want and then I feel guilty for wanting the things that I want:-(

i guess some advice on better ways to handle my wife's depression and the things that I need would be great lol. Cheers.

[Jacko777]

Hi Fishproquo,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, you pose some good questions and I bet many have experienced what you are going through. I hope you will get some advice and support and we will find some links for you to others that have similar experiences.

Is your wife having regular checkups for her depression? Obviously this is important that she is on track with her recovery, important for both of you. Have you had the opportunity to partake in any counselling with your wife? 

I can understand it is a frustrating cycle for you, I guess you want to be sure that you are doing all these things because it is a part of your wife's recovery. Some times it might be important for your wife's recovery to let her take responsibility for some things, a professional could help you to find some clarity here. You say these extra things you are doing aren't really helping anyway so maybe it is time for a fresh plan that is appropriate to both of you.

If your wife is on a path of recovery we can hope that in the future she will be able to take some of these roles on and you will be able to spend more time on your own needs. I understand you are feeling exhausted and frustrated but is it possible that you can squeeze in some more things for yourself? Instead of going out with her friends can she stay at home with her friends while you go out and relax?

Jack

[geoff]

dear Fishproquo, hi and thanks for posing a question, which I can only concur with, and I really do wish that I had an answer for you, except that to encourage her to seek some advice firstly from her doctor and then if he/she thinks it's a good idea to see a psychologist.

I know what you are talking about, but no matter how hard I tried or what I did nothing would have changed, and believe it, now that we are divorced we are still in constant contact with each other, but I'm sorry and hope others can help you. Geoff.

[pimmento]

The struggle is long with a lot of hard work.  You are a wonderful person and you also need to take care of yourself.  I believe that finding the right someone to talk to, to help with the effects of helping your partner is sometimes a really good way to start your own self care. You can look after others, loved ones and sometimes forget that it takes its toll.  I think that you could go and find some counselling or other interests.  Community services in your locale could be of assistance, not everyone is suitable to different people and it may take some time to find that person that you trust, someone you can talk to and someone who can help you through this difficult time.  You are a caring person and I have been in this position myself, I went to two different counselors and could not return to either, I could have looked harder but what I did was take up other interests and found this through my local community service organisation, the not for profit organisations that have experience and caring on their agenda and support individuals and groups in our communities.  You  might find something for your wife as well, a good psychologist could turn your whole life around but as I said, you have to look for that special person to share with, they are out there.   I found my involvement has helped me to understand even more.  Let us hear back from you in any developments and remember, you can not look after others if you do not look after yourself as well.....