I'm struggling with lack of in laws support regarding my spouses mental illness

[Trixiegum]

My spouse had been diagnosed with mental health issues some years before we were together. He was hearing voices and had thoughts of suicide, near attempt and admission into hospital.

During our relationship he went through periods of highs, lows, self hate, paranoid phases and often took his inner thoughts out on me and would later apologise. He was a heavy drinker. Fast forward to the last 12 months. My spouse started hearing voices again, of religious nature (nothing against religion but non-religious back ground so this was completely out of character). He turned obsessed literally overnight, telling me about visions/messages he was receiving and talking about eternal life etc. He stopped engaging in his normal interests and became fully obsessed. The positive was that he stopped drinking, but I was deeply concerned. I expressed my concern to him and asked him to see someone, which he refused. I contacted his parents, who were well aware of his past and of his sudden obsession. They rang him he said he was the best he ever was and that was it from them despite them not having seen him for almost 12 months.

The coming months after that were hard, my spouse and I separated, he was a different person. He got baptised, went to bible study, started paying a percentage of his wage, he made a whole new circle of friends, barely spoke to any of our friends. I contacted his parents several times throughout a number of months to ask them to come and see him - they refused and basically called me a liar because every time they called him he would say nothing was wrong.I had the support of my family (long distance) and our friends but the support I wanted and expected from his parents (and given his history) was absent.

After being separated for almost six months he finally sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We've moved to a place where we both have family (apart from his parents). He is medicated and is back to himself, in acceptance and our relationship is slowly mending. He is still going through highs and lows, self hate times which I have to talk/support him through. All of my family are aware of his diagnosis, his parents are, but the rest of his family are kept in the dark. I know every family deals with things differently - but I am struggling with having a relationship with his parents after not having any support and not once asking me how he has been going in the last 6 months since his diagnosis, it is just not mentioned at all.

[quirkywords]

Hi Trixiegum,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. This is a safe, supportive, caring friendly and non judgmental place.

You have been through a lot in last 18months. I was diagnosed with bipolar (or manic/depression as it was back then) when I was 16 and my parents probably were the opposite of your in laws.

Every parent handles it differently. My parents decided I was so sick that I would not have a normal life and would have to live with them. I would break away by moving away and of course when I got very low I would come home again.

Some people do find the idea of having a child with a mental illness to be so hard to cope with, that they prefer to ignore it. I can see that this would be frustrating for you. If your husband is telling them he is fine , because that is what they want to hear, it is hard for you to then go against what he is saying.

I know your family is aware of the diagnosis and they support you , but you need to look after your health as well.

Is he seeing a counsellor as well as a doctor?

On this forum there are quite a few threads by people with a spouse who has bipolar you may like to read.

Feel free to post whenever you like.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Dear Trixiegum

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to be although your reason for being here is sad. I hope we can help and support you.

My only connection with someone who has bipolar as badly as your husband is a person who I was managing through rehab at work. He had been displaying more and more bizarre behaviours and the staff were getting quite frightened. Eventually he went to hospital as an involuntary patient and stayed there for about three months. He became stabilized on his meds and then went home. There was a great deal of rehab for him and the other staff before everyone relaxed and accepted his illness had caused all the trouble. In fact they were a close group of people.

It does not appear your husband was quite as ill as this person which is good. I am mentioning it so you know how much knowledge I have.

Some illnesses can be more distressing than others. Do you know much about this condition? The Black Dog Institute have some resources on this. Go to http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/ then click on Clinical Resources. It can be very helpful to be informed.

Are you getting any help for yourself? You are managing a great deal of stress at the moment, some of which will always be with you. There's not much you can do about your in-laws if they choose to ignore you. I can imagine how disappointed and distressed you must have been not to be supported in some way by them. Also disappointed for your spouse that he has not received support from them.

As you have your family nearby it may be to stay within their support. Quirky has commented on how different people have different ideas about mental illness. Sadly they find it too hard to respond in any meaningful way. My guess is that now your spouse has been stabilized there is nothing more for them to do. It's hard to accept that I know, after all it is their son, but pushing them too hard will not work.

If you want more support for your spouse why not talk to one of his siblings? I know your parents-in-law have not told them anything but do you think one of them may want to know and to help? It seems a little unfair for them not to know about their brother's mental illness (MI). However it is your call.

Going back to support for you, have you spoken to your spouse's psychiatrist? Can you speak to him/her? I think it would be helpful to know the warning signs about changed behaviour and also what to do.

Please continue to write in here.

Mary

[Trixiegum]

Thanks for your reply. We have been seeing his pyschiatrist jointly since his diagnosis which helps immensely. I think I need some further counselling for myself as I do feel at times I take the weight of his illness all on myself and it does get a bit too much. A couple of months ago he told me he thought people thought he was gay so he told me he was... we did speak to the psychiatrist. It has stuck with me and not really something I feel I can speak to my family about.

With his parents, i know their way of coping with it may be to ignore it but I guess I expect maybe some sort of check in would be appreciated. I don't know whether i should say anything to them or just leave it.. we always had a good relationship until the time come when I asked for their help and now I feel it's never going to be the same. Sorry for rant

[Trixiegum]

Thank you Mary. Please read my reply to quirky. We see the pyschiatrist jointly as the Dr calls it a triangle relationship. This has been good. I've read up lots on bipolar since his diagnosis, and made many phone calls last year to places like Sane Australia and the local Mental health unit who were really helpful.

[White_Rose]

Good to know you have some support. These situations can time to settle which is frustrating. So pleased you are attending therapy together. I imagine it must be very helpful. Getting support for yourself is also good so look around and see what's available.

The expression, "You can choose your friends but not your family" is so apt. It's good that you feel your marriage is not over despite husband's indication that he is gay. I must say I have never heard someone claim they are gay as part of being bipolar.

I do suggest you stop expecting any help from your in-laws. It will only add to your sadness and feelings of being rejected.

Mary

[Trixiegum]

Thanks Mary. I think the issue with thein-laws will be left alone. The more I expect from them just comes back to hurt me when it doesn't happen. Thankful that I have my support network closeby now. I was seeing a pyschologist during our seperation so I might source a new one in our area.

The mention that he thought he might be gay didn't last long. But as you can imagine it threw me and is still in the back of my mind.. 😞

[quirkywords]

Trixie,

I am glad you have a support network closeby and might see a psychologist.

I know I used to question so many things bout myself because everything seemed unstable, including my sexuality , my religious and political beliefs? When I was having extreme moods I did not know who I was so I kept questioning everything. That was just mow own experience.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello Trixiegum

Dropped by to see how you are going. Do you feel like writing in again?

Mary