I'm so over my mum

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD.  Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away.

So the relationship between me and my parents is not that great, although I am so so happy that I can get to see my dad.  I feel that he is caught in the middle of a very domineering and controlling wife and their children. I had no contact with my dad because of her.  Now I have changed, I don't phone her every day like I used up until 4 yrs ago. I would come home and first tyhing I would phone mum.  Now I couldn't care less if I don't phone her, so I only call her when I feel like it and it could be days or a week between calls,

Tonight I came home from the hospital outpatient program (which was good today but a bit confronting and I was teary). But I had the support from the therapist and I was okay.  I phoned my mum when I got home while cooking tea. Mum answered the phone and the conversation was over in 2 mins. She was so cold towards me, very very short conversation with me and then she said oh well i better let you go, and she hung up.  I thought what the hell have I done to deserve this?

I am so over her and her behavioiur, I am not taking it anymore from her.  I am not going to call her now and wait and see what she does.  I have done nothing wrong so if she wants to be like a child, well let her. I am over it. I have my own issues to sort out and it is affecting me so much, trying to deal with the abuse, the people involved, relationship problems and communication problems with hubby and my self esteem, my confidence, just everything. I don't need an extra crap from her.

She apparently is annoyed that I am talking to my sister (who supported and spoke to for the 4 yrs) because she doesn't like it when we are close.  How can a mother not be happy for her 2 daughters to be close. I just don't get it.

The only person I feel sorry for is my poor dad - yet again caught in the middle of family crap and he never speaks out. 

Actually I just thought - I don't care now if we don't speak again because they didn't speak to me for 4 yrs - so now it doesn't matter if it happens again.

 Why does my mum  have to be like this?

 Jo

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I am upset this morning, not coping.  Everything feels so dark, the house, the walls, the weather. feel trapped inside today.  

seeing my psych on thursday but i have emailed him. i just feel so neglected, so hurt and not believed in anything i told her about the abuse.  

i just can't understand how my mum can blame me for something that I was a victim to all those years ago. how and why - i just don't understand.

i sometimes think - what would she do if i did disappear, self harmed - what would she say then - if i yelled at her and told her how angry i am at her.

need to stop, too upsetting

I'm sorry GA, i shouldn't be on here ranting and raving

jo

[Lara]

Hi jo, I think this is the perfect place to rant and rave. At least it's to people that understand. Glad you are seeing your psych on Thursday, I have been seeing mine weekly (on a Thursday 🙂 ) for over 2 years, many sessions have consisted of trying to understand why my mother is the way she is and why she has done these things to me. The stabbing pain and darkness has been extreme in the past but I am happy to say through a lot of hard work on my part it has dulled a little.  I have found there are few people in this world I can feel comfortable sharing my true feelings about my mum with. To speak poorly of your own mother is generally frowned upon, people don't understand how a mother can inflict such pain on her own child - it's incomprehensible for most. It can make you feel so alone. So please do me a favour and rant to your hearts content! I read a book which was the best thing I ever did for myself to realise I wasn't alone, it was "will I ever be good enough - the daughters of narcissistic mothers" it was like I finally realised I wasn't completely nuts! It's incredible how much energy we can put into loving / hating our mums. Mum's answer to everything wasn't herbal tea it was "just be happy", "you shouldn't be sad, just be happy" , "just get over it" complete disregard for everybody's right to their own feelings. No concept of you can't tell someone how to feel. 

Can I tell you I was really happy and almost relieved to read that you have a great relationship with your daughter. I have great anxiety related to my fear of never being able to have children just in case I am like my mother towards my own children and especially a daughter. It's a ripe subject for me as the clock is a ticking as they say.

sending you a big hug during your dark time, realise as hard as it seems in those moments the light comes back eventually. Unfortunately the light generally comes from realising it just best to focus your energy elsewhere, perhaps like talking to more accepting people in here when you need it. 

[Neil_1]

Jo

This reply is going to tongue in cheek (hopefully get a laugh or a grin) AND is going to be dead serious - you have to decide which is which.

Everything is so dark, the house, the walls - "Ok, I'm seeing why hubby wants to start painting"

Feeling trapped inside - "well, with Melbourne/Victoria's weather today, that could be the best place to be".

I totally understand you feeling hurt - but Jo, you're not neglected - you've got your support mechanisms in place - you've got so MANY friends on this wonderful site and we're here for you NO MATTER WHAT.  I'm pleased that you've got an upcoming psych session happening.

You know, I don't thing ANYONE on this site can understand your Mum.  Suffice to say that the more you have to do with her, the more your condition is suffering.  The deeper down into that black hole you're being dragged because of her.

If you disappeared or she knew that you self-harmed would be very similar responses:  "Oh Jo, I don't know why she does that to herself - she's just silly.  She should just make herself a cup of tea and cook up a nice dinner for her husband, clean the house, and make sure everything is tidy - oh and she should just forget the past - lord knows I have - but then again, when you get to my age, it's easy to forget things".  "Now, what was I talking about again?"

Jo, if you yelled at your mum, or you told her how angry you were at her - well, may I suggest you do this first - as a kind of practise.   Think about the past, think about all the hell you've been through - get yourself really worked up -  OK - now go outside - go to the beach and yell it out to the ocean (I was going to say a brick wall, but that's been done to death in other parts).  Ok, so you've yelled it out to the ocean.  The ocean, just continues on doing what it does, couldn't give a rats what you've said.   Do the same to your Mum and you'll get the same result (bar the soothing sounds of the waves).

Ok, Jo, this was a mish-mash of a response to you.

Your mum IS NOT (may I repeat, IS NOT) going to change EVER.

Your sister has taken the brilliant stand of not going to the upcoming party - if I were you, I'd be doing the same.  Get in touch with the sister who's b'day it is and give her your love, etc - but just say, for your own health sake, you simply cannot go as you feel your Mum will give you an earful (AGAIN) and that will not be good for you - Jo, for your own health sake.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo. 

Rant on here. It is safe. Rave. We will listen. Or read, as it is a text based system. 

I digress. I am glad you have an appointment with your psych on thursday. My gp appointment is on thursday. Lets get to thursday together, yeah?

I don't know how she can blame you either. But the important thing is that you don't blame yourself.  It wasn't your fault. Your mother is mistaken and being entirely too harsh on you in all the worst ways. 

What would she do? She probably still wouldn't understand. The sad truth is she may never understand. Telling her how you feel may give you some closure and make you feel better, but it won't be her reaction that gives you that closure, it is act of telling her. So don't even consider what she would do. It won't change your perspective. 

I say this as I had a similar cathartic release to my own father over the phone a little while ago. I don't care what his reaction is. It isn't going to chanfe how I feel. I felt better for telling him how I felt, simple as that.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I went to see my GP this morning after calling him yesterday in a state of being emotional over my what my mum said about me.

As soon as I walked in I broke down, he is an amazing doctor letting me sit there and let out all my tears.  He listens, he gives advice and he is so caring. He told me he is here to help me no matter how long it takes.

I couldn't stop crying, it felt like a huge relief to be able to do that.

You know GA, I think I have worked out my mum (finally) - she is dangerous, manipulative and controlling. From now on, when I see her (which won't be often) I will keep my distance from her, i will watch what i say to her because i think she lies a lot to make herself look good and me look bad.

I cried when I told my doctor today that i had expectations of a different mum, a caring mum who would love me no matter what - but i don't. and that expectation is diminishing very quickly as i can see what she is really like. and do you know what - it hurts, it hurts me so much to think that a mum, MY mum would be like this. because i;'m not like this to my kids.

Nothing will ever change with her, even if i did self harm "to show her" she still wouldn't change, and as my GP said to me this morning - "Jo why would you hurt yourself and have scars to prove to your mum" and she will never change.

He's right - I am going to be very careful of her from now, but the really sad bit is that my dad is caught in the middle.

GA, how is your morning going, I was thinking of you yesterday when you had your appt. I hope it went okay.

Take care

Jo

[Jo3]

This afternoon I did a session at the hospital.  After the session the psychologist asked me to stay back to have a chat.  She asked how I was and I broke down, I knew it would happen - it was like a build up waiting to be somewhere to let it all out.

I told her about my mum having a fight with my sister and how she blames me and my sister for my dad's ill health. I started to cry and told her it's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, the only wrong thing was that I was sexually abused as a child.

She said to me that she feels I need to stay away from my mum as much as possible as she is toxic.  I agree, I don't trust my mum anymore, she has lied to my sister about me and always blames others for her troubles.

She also said that she feels I am living in a "fantasy" world with regards to my mum, like I have expectations of my mum changing and she wont. She said until I grieve and accept my mum won't change then I will be stuck and never get better.  She said it will happen where there will be a time when I will get angry with my mum and be separated.

 To me right now, I couldn't care less if I didn't speak to her again, I didn't for 4 yrs so another 4 wouldn't matter.  I can make my own decisions, I don't need my mum to tell me what to do anymore.

And another thing, I found out tonight is that my mum is "waiting for me to get better with the depression" so she can interrogate me with questions about the sexual abuse. Well she can wait for a long time because I am not going to be interrogated and questioned by her or anyone for that matter.  She had her chance 4 yrs ago when I had to go to her house, yet she yelled and yelled at me so I walked out.

I really don't trust my mum now, I am careful now of what I say to her because she lies and changes the stories around. So I am going to keep my distance.

It's just a shame that I won't see my dad often, but he has to be responsible for himself - I can't take the blame for him or how he is feeling.  I am not to be blamed for any of that.

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

Apologies for dropping the ball on this thread, my head has not been here lately.

Yes, to many of the sentiments in your last reply.  Your therapist is very good and it sounds lime the sessions are doing you wonders. I wonder if I should look into it.

Yes your mother is toxic. Yes staying away from her will do you good. Yes do not allow her to interrogate you once the depression 'gets better' particularly as she hasn't helped you when you needed it. 

Yes it is sad for your dad in his situation and that you can't have a functional relatio ship due to your mother. Yes it is his battle to fight that. 

So yes. You are doing very well Jo, despite all that life throws at you and the amount of strength in your last post is plain for anyone to see. 

GA

[Jo3]

Thanks GA for being here for me.

As much as it hurts so so much, I will now keep my distance from my mum. Just wish I didn't have to keep my distance from my dad but unfortunately he is caught in the middle, and I can't do anything about it.

I think I need to learn how to "let go and accept" that she will never change, she will always be the same person - negative, toxic and manipulative.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

Today has been one week since I last phoned my mum. I didn't ring her all week, waiting to see if she would ring me, but she didn't.

So this morning after breakfast I decided, ok I will call her and see how she reacts with me.

OMG - what a waste of a phone call.  My dad answered the phone and was as his usual self, but as soon as mum came on the phone it was a different person. She was cold towards me, she said basically two words and then said oh well I better go and put the washing out. How much washing does she have - it's just the two of them!! She finished the call by saying - thanks for your call. She has never said that before, like I am a stranger; for god's sake I am her daughter and she is treating me like crap; in fact both me and my sister. Yet the other two siblings (oldest brother and youngest sister) are the "golden children" and it makes me so angry.

So I was left with the phone in my hand and wondering why do I bother? I was really angry with myself for making that phone call when all week i kept saying to myself no don't ring. And then I feel guilty and phone, it seems like a vicious cycle that i need to break.

Because she had a fight with my sister last week (and it's mum's fault yet again) she is cold towards me because she knows that I speak with my sister.  I can't believe how a mum can be weird just because her two daughters are close and talk to each other. So now I am copping it because of this.

Sometimes I wish I had a different mum; a mum that would love me; put her arms around me and give me a big hug; tell me she is proud of me - but all I get and have ever got over the years was all negative.

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I am not feeling well right now, but I wanted you to know I am still listening. 

After calling her frequently, keeping your distance is not going to be easy. So you called, no big deal. The important thing is you kept away for a week. Instead of taking these things she said, or didn't say, and turning them against you, turn them against her. Next time you get the urge to call her, remember what she said now. 

You don't need to quit your mum cold turkey, if a bit at a time is your way of exiting the relationship, then it is what it is. There is no shame in  that.

GA