I'm so over my mum

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD.  Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away.

So the relationship between me and my parents is not that great, although I am so so happy that I can get to see my dad.  I feel that he is caught in the middle of a very domineering and controlling wife and their children. I had no contact with my dad because of her.  Now I have changed, I don't phone her every day like I used up until 4 yrs ago. I would come home and first tyhing I would phone mum.  Now I couldn't care less if I don't phone her, so I only call her when I feel like it and it could be days or a week between calls,

Tonight I came home from the hospital outpatient program (which was good today but a bit confronting and I was teary). But I had the support from the therapist and I was okay.  I phoned my mum when I got home while cooking tea. Mum answered the phone and the conversation was over in 2 mins. She was so cold towards me, very very short conversation with me and then she said oh well i better let you go, and she hung up.  I thought what the hell have I done to deserve this?

I am so over her and her behavioiur, I am not taking it anymore from her.  I am not going to call her now and wait and see what she does.  I have done nothing wrong so if she wants to be like a child, well let her. I am over it. I have my own issues to sort out and it is affecting me so much, trying to deal with the abuse, the people involved, relationship problems and communication problems with hubby and my self esteem, my confidence, just everything. I don't need an extra crap from her.

She apparently is annoyed that I am talking to my sister (who supported and spoke to for the 4 yrs) because she doesn't like it when we are close.  How can a mother not be happy for her 2 daughters to be close. I just don't get it.

The only person I feel sorry for is my poor dad - yet again caught in the middle of family crap and he never speaks out. 

Actually I just thought - I don't care now if we don't speak again because they didn't speak to me for 4 yrs - so now it doesn't matter if it happens again.

 Why does my mum  have to be like this?

 Jo

[AGrace]

Hi Jo,

I was reading through your subsequent posts for this thread and a thought came across my mind. 

It's understandable that you would want to seek approval and validation from your mum, after all she's your mum. I wonder if her "mum" hat was removed whether you would want to continue seeking a relationship from a person who has the same morals and values? if you had a choice to be friends with this person,  is that what you would choose? For whatever reason I think your mum took her "mum" hat off many years ago, although it's tough on you, ultimately, this is her loss. She's denied herself the chance to admit and show to others the pride she would feel in having raised such a strong, compassionate, and loving child as yourself. 

Letting go would be extremely difficult,  but if you keep it in perspective,  what are you really letting go of? The identity of her being "mum", and the pain and suffering this relationship causes. Your expectations of what a mother should be like, you can hold onto, and continue fulfilling these with your children. 

Finally i wanted to ask: Do you have a good relationship with your inlaws? 

I wish you well in trying to distance yourself, baby steps:) I hope you will continue to let us know how you get on. 

A virtual hug.

AGrace

[Jo3]

Hey AG

I have to distance myself from my parents because of my mum and the negative and toxic comments and behaviour. The way she talks to me on the phone is a very cold, quick conversation; I would get more conversation from a friend than my own mum

My mother in law lives with us and has for the past 18 yrs, yeah that's right 18 long years.  My father in law passed away 18 yrs ago from a massive heart attack and then I gave birth 4 days later; then mother in law came to stay and has been with us since.  She is not an interferring mother in law; she keeps to herself; it's just that now at 84 and being with us for such a long time I feel like I've had enough; like breaking point again. But my hubby is the only child and family she has. So my house is a very full house, with three kids (22, 21, 18) and one has a partner living with us as well.

Baby steps, I know; I just hope I don't break before then.

Thanks AG for your support

Jo