I'm so over my mum

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD.  Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away.

So the relationship between me and my parents is not that great, although I am so so happy that I can get to see my dad.  I feel that he is caught in the middle of a very domineering and controlling wife and their children. I had no contact with my dad because of her.  Now I have changed, I don't phone her every day like I used up until 4 yrs ago. I would come home and first tyhing I would phone mum.  Now I couldn't care less if I don't phone her, so I only call her when I feel like it and it could be days or a week between calls,

Tonight I came home from the hospital outpatient program (which was good today but a bit confronting and I was teary). But I had the support from the therapist and I was okay.  I phoned my mum when I got home while cooking tea. Mum answered the phone and the conversation was over in 2 mins. She was so cold towards me, very very short conversation with me and then she said oh well i better let you go, and she hung up.  I thought what the hell have I done to deserve this?

I am so over her and her behavioiur, I am not taking it anymore from her.  I am not going to call her now and wait and see what she does.  I have done nothing wrong so if she wants to be like a child, well let her. I am over it. I have my own issues to sort out and it is affecting me so much, trying to deal with the abuse, the people involved, relationship problems and communication problems with hubby and my self esteem, my confidence, just everything. I don't need an extra crap from her.

She apparently is annoyed that I am talking to my sister (who supported and spoke to for the 4 yrs) because she doesn't like it when we are close.  How can a mother not be happy for her 2 daughters to be close. I just don't get it.

The only person I feel sorry for is my poor dad - yet again caught in the middle of family crap and he never speaks out. 

Actually I just thought - I don't care now if we don't speak again because they didn't speak to me for 4 yrs - so now it doesn't matter if it happens again.

 Why does my mum  have to be like this?

 Jo

[vip]

Jo its not fair when you cant get support from your own mum she sounds to me like she may have mental issues too do you think? or is it just this old school generation who just don't get it . Ive spoken to you before about my husbands father treating me like crap and never wanting to see me my husband or my son but that's fine this guy is mentally disturbed big time I had to cut ties with all of them 6 yrs ago after my trajic event . Just chat with your dada maybe take him out for a coffee on his own could you do that it seems like your getting no where with your mum it might be time to just stay close with dad your sister and forget her behaviour let her chase you not you chase her , Hope this helps jo these situations I can relate to with family you know that and its draining and time consuming while our lives tick away slowely

[Jo3]

Hi VIP 

Thanks for your support, but you know I can't even do that with my dad - go out for a coffee because my mum is so close and tight with my dad, he doesn't go anywhere, it's pretty sad when I think about it.

But I am keeping my distance, even for now if it means not seeing my dad. There is nothing else I can do.  It just makes me really angry and emotional because they are from the old school and the italian background does not help (you know what I mean). I guess I expected them to be different parents but they will never change, I think I was wishing that they would change.

Do you know in the 6 months that we have been talking again they have NOT come to my house, always finding an excuse and it really hurts, because i try to involve them and have them over but they don't put the effort in.  So from now on I am not asking or inviting them over, i have my own children and their partners and hubby to worry about and spend time with, if they don't want to come over then that's their choice and regret, which in a way, i hope they do have regrets.

I'm sorry I am venting now and i am angry, you know i try to be a good daughter, i;ve done nothing wrong and i still feel like i get the crap treatment. 

take care

Jo xxx

[Jo3]

I am so damn angry tonight, I don't know where to begin.

OK, here it goes.  A lot of you on here know of my situation with my parents.  My sister (who supported me over the 4 yrs of not talking to parents) rang my mum this morning to say hi.  My mum was very angry towards my sister and said that dad is stressed because of her and me, that we have caused him so much stress.  When i heard that i broke down, i have never ever caused stress in dad's life.  The only thing I did was tell my mum (without my dad there because of her) that i was sexually abused as a child. They then did not talk to me for 4 yrs.  I have never caused any harm to my dad and why would I? I don't want my dad to be stressed, why would I want him stressed for, i love him so much,  i don't deserve this.

 My younger sister is having a 40th birthday party this week and my other sister is not going.  She has now been abused and yelled at by my mum because she is not going, it has nothing to do with my mum at all.

My sister told my mum that it is HER that is causing the stress to my dad not us. And then she said what about my brother and younger sister - have they not caused stress in my dad's life?  Oh yes, they have and plenty of times, i could write a book about my brother and the stress he has caused my poor dad.  Oh no but because he is the oldest and my younger sister are the golden children - they have done nothing wrong ever.

I am so hurt by my mums words because this hurts so much.  I am crying because i know deep down that i have done nothing wrong. 

My mum was going right off at my sister and started yelling at her so my sister hung up on her.

Crying and feeling very hurt

Jo

[Lara]

Hi Jo,

I'm really sad to hear about the relationship you have with you mother and the pain it causes. You are right that you have done nothing wrong and I know there's not much others can say to make you feel better about it but take some relief in knowing that you are not alone.

I can relate all too well to this family situation, I do not get along with my mother to the point where I benefit greatly from distancing myself from her but the unfortunate consequence is that I do not spend time with my Dad. I routinely am hurt by my mother's complete inability to show compassion or even just simple courtesy towards me. I continually try to reach out to them, hoping that one day they will become the doting, caring parents I always dreamed of but have always ended up being disappointed.

I have learnt over great deliberation of the matter that they are incapable of giving me what I wanted and even needed as a child. I probably won't ever stop hoping that I will still get what I missed out on (and still am missing out on) but it is a little easier to stomach when you know that they are incapable of giving you the attention, love and support that you deserve. Sometimes we just have to learn to stop reaching out to them. Its a much more rewarding experience seeking love and support from those who are able to give it - luckily I have an endless supply of that in my husband! Take care. Newbie poster Lara

[Jo3]

Hi Lara

Welcome to BB forum and thanks so much for your caring reply.

It sounds like you understand completely about parents especially mothers.  It is so difficult to comprehend or understand how any parents especially mothers can be like this.  I struggle with this all the time, and like you, I still hope that they would change and love me for me now. And yes, I do crave for them to love me when i was a child, an adult, a human being with my own choices and decisions. But no, it's only whatever she (mum) wants.

I am so sorry Lara to read that you don't have a close relationship with your parents and I really understand how you are feeling.

And like you say - spend precious time with the ones that love us and want to spend time with us - i have my husband and 3 beautiful adult children and their partners. I am very lucky.

But it still hurts to not have that relationship with my mum.

I am really glad though that I have a close relationship with my daughter (22 yrs).

Take care Lara, hope to chat again with you

Jo

[AGrace]

Hi Jo,

What's the saying, you cant choose your family...!

You can however choose what relationship you have with them. It sounds like distance might be a good choice here, as much as its sad that you miss out on the opportunity to connect with your dad. I do wonder though if your dad is truly showing a good example of putting you first? After all you are his daughter.

I can understand your anger. A couple of months ago while I was in hospital my mum came to visit me. She knows my diagnosis (BPD, PTSD, Depression & Anxiety), and she had the nerve to tell me she knows exactly how I feel, and when she feels that way she has a cup of herbal tea!!! I should point out she doesn't have a mental illness. Yet sometimes I do wonder. Seriously, if herbal tea would cure me id stop spending money on psychiatrists,  psychologists,  and medication and instead I'd take out shares in Liptons or Tetley! 

It sounds like you have a lovely family of your own, and not that im one for seeking revenge, but if thats what you wish for, then I think the best revenge would be to continue being a wonderful mum to your own children.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could pick our parents from a shelf full at the grocery store, check that they're not out of date, that they're full of nutritional goodness, and they are exceptional value for money...Wishful thinking!

AGrace

[Jo3]

Hi AGrace

It's nice to hear from you, thank you for your reply.

I think sometimes that my mum has a mental illness.  And my poor dad just does what she says, I can't work it out.

Yeah it would be so good to be able to "pick and choose our parents" from a grocery store!!! How good would that be!!!

My mum is the same, she would say to me that I am not strong because I am seeing a psych; because when she is stressed she copes on her own. She always reminds me that she is stronger than everyone else.

I agree limited visits to them is the way to go; it's just that i don't get to see my dad but i have no other option.

Thanks again AGrace

Take care,

Jo

[Jo3]

So now I am blamed for causing stress to my dad.  My mum blames me and my sister to have caused dad to become sick.  But the other 2 children (oldest & youngest) have never caused stress to dad - according to my mum.  Yet I could write a book about those two.

I am so hurt, feeling this like a knife in my back by my mum.

How on earth can my mum blame me for telling them about my childhood abuse, i know they would have been stressed about hearing it but i cannot be held responsible for this. I was only a child and now i feel like everything is my fault.

Not feeling good this morning - hurt and distraught

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I can feel the hurt from here, Jo. I can hear the pain in your words. 

What your mum is doing is blaming everyone but the people who are actually at fault here, because she can't process or handle the truth of the matter. The factthat she would do this when it is you who have undergone the abuse is quite frankly, disgusting.

I am glad your sister said the things she did and stood up to her. Your mum can't keep her head buried in the sand forever. I also feel sorry for your dad in this situation, almost being held hostage by your mums self imposed blindness.

I don't really have answers to solve this other than to have limited contact with you mother. If you feel like you need to vent about it here is a safe place, until you can get to your psych and maybe he can help you write a final communication to her, expressing all that you feel. Just an idea, he may not think its a good idea.

Its what I would do, but I am so far from makivng rational decisions i probably shouldn't even be giving advice.

I am thinking of you, Jo. When is your next appointments?

GA