I knew he was depressed when I fell in love with him... Sometimes the going gets tough. Any advice?

[Phattylovesit]

When I met my husband he was just a guy and I was in a relationship with another. When we got to know each other, I found him reckless, a bad influence, a loose canon. He just didn't care about life or anyone... or himself. 

We bonded over our experiences with depression. His life has been genuinely complicated since childhood ( death, drama, relationships, substance abuse). Mine was more genetic and situational (history + trigger). I am taking anti-depressants that work. He has tried them all..... He medicates himself with alcohol and weed, but they are only a brain-numbing experience, not a treatment. The down times are the worst. He is a shift worker, so being sleep deprived and lacking regular contact bugs him, as does everything in general on his bad days... The negativity is infective and I have no idea how to support him without shouting him down.... Is there anyone who has some advice from a similar situation? PS sedatives seem to work on him but his past and prolonged history prevent easy access, and he is negative to everything including counselling and drug therapy (says he's tried them all). It's hard, I feel like he's looking for an excuse to not feel better but I KNOW that he should and could. I am with this man until the wheels fall off because he is my best friend and helped me through my darkest time. Any advice?

[Neil_1]

Hi there phattylovesit

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Wow, this is a tricky situation – with both of you suffering from this mongrel disease.  Then to make matters worse, your husband is appearing to be now not trying too much to make advancements with his illness.

You do mention his down times are the worst – is he pretty much in a constant low and depressive mood or do you notice patches/glimpses of him being or feeling better?  Cause if there are some “up times”, then it might be worthwhile trying to find out or see what it was that caused some happiness;   see if that can be replicated?

Do you think he’d be up for a possible joint session (and I’m meaning between the two of you together here and not something that he is likely to smoke) for the two of you, where you make an appointment with either a GP or even a referred psychologist?  So you can both go along and that may just help him or assist him in taking a new step forward??   Also, you’ve mentioned that he has said that he’s tried them all re:  medications.  I’m not trying to second guess him here, but I believe there are an enormous amount of anti-depressants out there available nowadays, so I’d be semi-confident that there are in fact some that he hasn’t had a time trying.   And along with this paragraph, you may have already stated this to him, but I’d be reminding him, just how much he means to you – how important, how much you love him, etc – all that kind of stuff – it might just give him the impetus he needs to start to try and rebuild – even if it’s just to ‘try’.

I hope there’s other posters who respond to you as well, and I do hope you can get back to us with another reply.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Phattylovesit, welcome to the site and posting your comment, and if for some reason I may say something it's by no means to upset you, because I'm thinking aloud only.

Well it's an usual situation, well probably not, because he has helped you through your darkest hours, which is indeed a fabulous effort, however I can see a problem here for him, in that he prefers the alcohol and smoking his weed rather than taking antidepressants.

Now personally I can't blame him for using alcohol as a self-medication, simply because I used it as well, but it was one reason why my wife divorced me, saying that I preferred it more than loving her, because she loved me, but with depression it is so hard to be able to show her any love, as depression controls everything, so it's  a catch-22 situation.

So am I able to comment on his alcohol intake, maybe, because in hindsight I know the dangers which can happen, plus his substance abuse and smoking his weed can all lead to a blurted vision, so that's another reason why his doctors refuse to prescribe any more sedatives, as he was using them for his drug abuse.

OK he's helped you but he doesn't want to help himself, because he wants to do it the easy way which is good for him but not for you, and by you saying ' like he's looking for an excuse to not feel better', is true, and I'm sorry to say this, but he wants his grog, his weed and any substance abuse that he can get hold of.

In the long run all of this is going to backfire on him, and I am sorry you as well.

I won't say any more at the moment and hopefully wait until we hear back from you, and I hope that I haven't hurt you in anyway, just thinking aloud. L Geoff. x