I Just want to Love and Support Him

[AspiringReed]

I was dating the man of my dreams for 9months and I've always known he gets depressed which, for him, means a switch gets flicked and he goes emotionally cold & cruel & manipulative to the people closest to him to push them away. It has lasted anywhere from months to years. We both love each other deeply. We've shared genuine trust, intimacy and joy. I've accepted the consequences of staying with him. I've experienced this kind of treatment in a long term relationship, when I was younger. I know am strong enough to endure and I know I'm strong enough to leave if I need to.

He tried med's(no good), some meditations, counselling. Even tried a couple of meditations in between episodes to be ready for the next time. But, I don't think he's found what works.

Last weekend, the switch was flicked. He tried to fight it for a few days, privately. But he couldn't & now he's left me to save me from all the pain. He claimed he was numb but I don't think he was. There were a few things he did & said which showed me he still cared. I wept and begged him to let me support him. I said I'd accepted the risks of being with him, that I love all of him, not just when he's happy. I said that this is how we see how strong we can be together. He said he doesn't deserve me and that he'd try to hurt me to push me away. Then, the guilt of doing that to the woman who loves him would make him feel worse. Eventually, we agreed to be in touch in 6mths, regardless of what we had to say... it's over/try again/need more time....But he doesn't want to hear from me at all until then (unless my contact details change). I told him to contact me anytime he wants to, that I'll always want him to, even if he thinks he shouldn't.

I'm SO scared of how bad this could get, so sad that he wants to be alone and scared that he won't want to try again with me, even if he wants to, for my sake. I'm tempted to get in touch in 1-2 months to see how he is, Not to talk about us. Some people say its important to know that people care about you, even if you won't let them help. But, if he sees that I'm holding on, will he feel guilty and become more depressed? If I break our agreement, will he get mad or will he secretly want me to? He used to say that family checks on him cause they have to. But if I check on him, he knows its cause I care.

So many questions...I need advice... please help.

[geoff]

dear AR, if you don't mind me abbreviating your name, and thanks for posting your comment.

It's so hard to try and understand what someone with depression will actually do, so it's impossible to be able to read their mind.

I am curious about him saying 'unless my contact details change'.

What can happen is that the person with depression does think to themselves that they wish say you in this case, does contact them, but as soon as you do they then don't want to see you, it's strange, but it's what this illness does to us.

There will be other people with a different point of view here when you ask 'will he become more depressed', well I don't think so, because deep down they need to know that there is someone who cares for them. L Geoff. x

[AspiringReed]

Dear Geoff, thank you for your insight!

I don't mind the abbreviation at all.

The reason he said,"...unless my contact details change", was to make sure we could reach each other to talk in 6mths time.

Geoff, in your reply, are you saying that sometimes the depressed person wants to stay with their partner. So, they get in contact. But if the partner initiates the contact, the depressed person may pull away again?

Also, I understand the need to know that someone cares for them. I'm dying to show him that. Rationally, there's no way he could not know how much I love him. But I see how hard it can be to be rational when you're depressed. What's the best way to reassure him, though? Many people say that its really important to give him his space & be patient. I'm scared that, if I don't give him the time that he asked for (6mths), he may react angrily and cut me off permanently.

On the other hand, what if he convinces himself that

1)My love has changed or gone after the pain of breaking up with me. So, now he is alone, again

2) He should never contact me again, even if he wants my support, because I don't deserve to be hurt by him 

I'm sorry if I'm piling on the questions. I know that, technically, it's over. But I love him too much to walk away. Also, I'm the only person he's close to. His family are there to support him. But he doesn't connect with them or confide in them.

AR