I don't want to leave but I think his illness is contagious

[Lizzy42]

I have been with my partner for nearly 15 years and about 8-10 years ago he was diagnosed with anxiety & depression. In terms of treatment for his illness, he was initially prescribed medication, which he only took in bursts. He was referred to a councellor but only went to a couple of sessions. He has said he didn't trust them, thought they were only superficially supportive. He's taken long periods off his medication, in particular when his GP was overseas doing aid work. Around 1.5 years ago his GP came back and that was positive. He went back on medication, and the GP prescribed himmultiple repeats, as he says, because she knows how hard it is for him to get to the GP - lack of motivation.

I honestly don't know what difference the meds make. I try to make sure he takes them regularly, just to see if they're the right ones for him, but I can never be sure that he isn't skipping them. Sometimes he self-medicates with large quantities of acohol. I only ever find this out when I spy an empty vodka bottle hiddne in a shelf, or a cupboard or the shed. When I find it I find it hard to contain my anger and sadness and when I confront him he retreats, or beocmes sad. Then I spend the next few hours trying to make him cheer up or to understand where I am coming from. That I find it hard to trust that he is trying to look after himself.

He studies very part-time and has been trying to complete his course over 10 years. The assignments cause him anxiety which often leads to depressive episodes. His depressive episodes are characterised by a combination of: irrational behaviour or inflammatory remarks; slightly skewed eyes; slightly slurred speech; quickly changing moods and short temper; escaping (driving off and not returning for hours - like right now); or passing out into a deep but very unrestful sleeping "fit". Sometimes it's all of these at once, sometimes he accuses me and dogs me with arguments that come from nowhere and are barely relevant but are so inflammatory I find it hard not to react.

He works casually - between 0 and 20 hours a week - in a customer service role that he is very good at, very engaging and generous with customers. When he gets home from work though he tends to cmplain about some thing or another that happened. I work in the same place, as well as a part-time day job, and I tend to let him rant.

I could go on and on, and really I don't know what I am looking for here, but I feel helpless and I think I am catching his anxiety.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lizzy

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

You sound like you’re getting to the end of your tether with this situation and that you’ve been very supportive and helpful to your partner.  Only to have that kind of help and support to be at times, turned up in your face, so to speak.  And that’s the key element – with someone diagnosed with anxiety and depression – without their full attention to the matter, the chances of them trying to at least keep things at bay, will diminish if they’re not fully committed to the cause.

One thing I would mention, but this may well be an individual thing – you say that you try to make sure he takes his meds regularly, but can’t be sure.  For myself, if I don’t take my meds every day, by mid-afternoon, I come down feeling very ordinary, wonky, nauseous and other not so nice feelings as well – hence so I’m pretty much like clockwork in taking my meds.  But then this could be all down to me (or indeed the kinds of meds I’m on) and so he might have a much different one, where the side effects for not taking them do not cause him any undue concerns.

You mentioned that when his gp came back, that was positive.  Is that due to him having a good repour with his gp?  I’m guessing it was his gp who referred him to the counsellor – that’s a shame that it didn’t work for him, because people who are somewhat difficult in trying different approaches, are going to be less inclined to try something like that again.

Does he have any interests, hobbies, sports that he likes – even walking, cycling?   Other things that might be able to be incorporated to kind of help him with something else to occupy him for a while?

It is pleasing however to read that he is good at his job – so that to me sounds like he wears a depression mask so that it isn’t revealed while he’s at work – which then causes you to feel even further down when you get home, cause you’ve been using up a lot energy hiding your true self away from others.  This doesn’t help much I know.

I think I’ve rambled on a bit here, but hope that I may have said something at least a little useful.

I would love to hear back from you also.

Kind regards

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi Lizzy42,

Welcome to the bb forums. His illness is not contagious but it sounds like your anxiety, if you have some, may be triggered by his negative behaviors. From my experience it might be helpful if you stop watching him and let him be responsible for his own drinking and medication.

I would agree with what Neil has already said about the side effects kicking in fairly quickly if the medication is missed. This seems similar to what my partner says he experiences. When he first started medication I would encourage him more but I do not think it was helpful.

The response on the alcohol would be pretty much the same if he drinks too much he will feel the negative effects. Also although it may be recommended to not drink alcohol when on medication it might be okay to just accept a little social drinking. Others may not agree with me on this point.

I am not sure why his complaining at the end of the day is a problem unless he is not prepared to listen if you also want to share some of your days highs and lows.

If you are really worried for your own mental well-being it might be helpful to talk to a doctor. Also you could consider therapy to help you find some better ways of coping.

cheers,

Pixie.