i don't know what to do

[katie-j]

So my partner of 3 years has depression (melancholia). At this point in time i am really struggling to support him. As for myself i have anxiety and I worry about him all the time.

He has had depression since his teenage years (he is now 33) been on and off meds when we met he was on antidepressants he said that they made him feel flat- he never had the ups or the downs, just felt nothing. So he decided to wean off them. This was about 1.5 years ago now he has his extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). he has weird sleeping habits and i don't think this is helping his cause, he is never up before midday and always goes to bed around 4am. His day consists of smoking cones, playing xbox, work all day everyday. I think this is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. I really despise pot he says this is how he copes with his depression so he doesn't have to deal with his reality. I hate it and I hate the smell. I've asked him to quit so many times, he says that he is a very angry person off it but thats him having withdrawals right?

I know he wants help but at the same time can't bring himself to do it. he also doesn't like to talk to me about any of it and gets angry if i suggest anything. I tried to get him blood tests (low energy) took him to a psychologist for a few months then refused to go and missed appointments. he says that he doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets me but id rather know right?

I'm really struggling with this i try so hard to help him but there is no effort from his side to help himself and no motivation. I feel really nasty writing all these negative things about him because he is such a kind loving person, but he is in a massive rut and I  feel so useless and i don't want to give up on him but its taking such a massive toll on me and our relationship.

I'm trying to lead this horse to water but he won't drink.      

[Pixie15]

Hi katie-j,

It is really hard to sit by and worry and watch while we think someone we love is ruining their life. But if your partner is really content in his rut and has refused all your attempts at help it might be time to step back and think about some things that you can do for yourself and your own anxiety.

You might be acting out of the best of intentions but your worrying and trying to manage him and fix him might not be helping. Try focusing on yourself and your own needs this is not selfish it is necessary for your own wellbeing.

Grateful

[geoff]

dear Katie, I'll like to welcome you to the site, and well down for posting a comment, it's never easy to do, especially your first one.

I know how you dislike pot and the smell of it because you're not used to it, which I have never smoked it, simply because in the pub where I worked it was over bearing.

People who smoke it have an excuse on why they smoke it, and whether it's because ' he is a very angry person off it but that's him having withdrawals right', well yes and no, the main point to him is that he needs or wants an excuse to smoke it, so in other words he smokes it to stop himself being angry.

This maybe so as I drank alcohol to numb my depression for years, so I probably am not justified to debate this, but for you it's no excuse, and in hindsight I agree.

He doesn't want to talk about this and can I push the pot to one side at the moment, because when someone is depressed they don't want to talk to about their own illness, simply because their belief is that the person who loves them will just keep asking questions, so it's a catch -22 situation, where no one wins.

There is a huge problem here in that he believes that by smoking the pot is the only help he will get and then refuses to go to his psychologist, because they will say that he has to stop smoking it, he doesn't want to hear this, so he doesn't go.

You are caught in a position where unless he decides to stop smoking then you are facing an enormous challenge to help him, just as much as you love him, pot comes first.

So you have to now decide that you can't reason with him while he is under the influence of pot, although he will probably say to you when he is high 'he will stop for you I promise', but until he realises that he really needs to stop and to get his life back on track, then it's an uphill battle for you.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Katie,

Knowing what my partner went through in the beginning, trying so desperately to help me, I can empathise with your situation.

It's really hard to keep loving someone, or believing that someone loves us, when it appears that they don't even love themselves...at least enough to get help. In my darkest depressive episode I didn't want help, I just wanted to be left alone, I wanted to be ignored, I didn't want to be acknowledged, all because I didn't feel worthwhile.

You are right, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It sounds like you have delivered a consistent message over the years, and I'm wondering now if it's time to stipulate some boundaries?

What boundaries would you feel comfortable with?

My partner made it clear that if I didn't want help then our relationship couldn't continue. It was tough love, and I did consider ending the relationship, but deep inside I didn't want to cause him the same suffering that I was experiencing. He basically gave me a month to decide. If I wanted to get help then he would help me find it, and support me through it. All I had to do was let him know before the month was up. I did reach out to him, and it was the best thing I ever did. I still joke about the fact that he wouldn't have really left me, and every time he says "It would have been easier for me to walk away, than spend another day watching you suffer, so I was more than ready to leave."

You may not feel this is right for you, but whatever you decide, it has to be for you. Yes he has a mental illness, but that is only one part of his life, you are the biggest part of his life, so he needs to make some compromises. Maybe he only smokes outside, maybe he only plays on the xbox 3 nights a week. Perhaps he at least sees a GP for medication if he is not willing to see a Psychologist at this stage.

Are you getting some help with your anxiety?

AGrace

[katie-j]

I just want to thankyou all for taking the time to give a total strangeradvice and sharing your own stories.

I also forgot to mention that we live with his mother who also has depression. the reason for this was to save money on rent when she moved down from QLD.

His mother also smokes and i was under the impression that smoking was outside (ive recently given up smoking ciggies but it was always outside) But its not! she was also a heavy drinker before she met her new partner (3 months ago) she still drinks a lot but its a little better. In saying that i cant leave any alcohol lying around because she will drink it, replace it , then drink that too.

So these, I believe, are more major factors to his depression (and my sanity! haha!)

last week michael and I decided that its time to move out and find our own little place as we are both struggling to live with her. So i think that this is a good first step, to get away from bad influances- and he can see that. the promise was to quit when we moved and to have professional help. Hopefully he will keep this promise.

'Geoff" you are so right! I feel im in a catch 22! I dont want to pry and no he doesnt want to talk about it but I just want to help

 'AGrace'- you ask if im getting help. Well I was but not anymore. The pshycologist and i found out what my triggers were, how to stay calm and helped me to understand about my upbringing and how that affects the person that I am today. I stopped because of the costs but I still have his number if I am at breaking point. But im doing ok (sort of... ). and yes i need to set some boundries which im not very confident doing because i dont like to stand up to people and saying what i think. BUT i think that i need to say to him if he doesnt want my help our relationship cant continue (it hurts me to say it) but as you all say 'Gratefultoday'- I need to be a little selfish and look out for myself first, which is so not me! but all i want is the best for him and for him to see his true potential and what he can achieve when he puts his mind to it!

PS anyone know of professional help to get off the pot?? or is that something that you go to the doctor about?

xx