Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

[Charliebear]

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello Charliebear,

Just checking in to see how you are? I know how hard it is my friend. The thing I hate the most is when people say, you have to look after yourself. My mind is constantly thinking about my husband and if he is at work etc.  I take my hat off to you my friend. Your such a strong, loving person and you only deserve the best.

Please ask me anything xo

[Charliebear]

Evening everyone!

Wow what a change of events; 24 hours is such a long time and many things have changed. One thing I find my husband and I do well after all the arguing and hurt we go and calm down and the come back together to work on this. 

We have decided that we need to what is right for our relationship, our family, his health and mine. He is going to stay in the spare room and we are going to work out strategies/tools/ideas etc on how it's going to work with him still living here. 

He also told me that he does love me; he just needs to work on himself, the issues he has, the reasons why he feels like he does towards us etc. we know it will take time. 

I had a really good session with the counsellor today and I understand your concerns re having the same but I understand she can't tell me things that she discusses with my husband and I'm comfortable with her as I feel she is the one person who is neutral. She helps me calm down and refocus on me and my happiness plus this little bundle growing. She has suggested a few things to assist me so I am grateful for that. 

So we will take one day at a time, even one hour at a time. I need to remember to breath and count to three before I react. 

Purple monkey dishwasher - I do believe working on our happiness is very important. We need to be strong for ourselves and have that flow On affect to our husbands and in my case my children as well. So tomorrow I booked in for a pregnant massage. Just what I need to release some tension. Tonight I'm having an early night as well as I need to catch up on some much needed sleep.

thank you all once again. You know I deeply appreciate it and my focus is rebuilding this family. I don't want to give up just yet. There is some fight still left in me. 

Take care everyone xxx

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Great to hear that everything is on the mend Chaliebear.  I am at the point in my life where I just want to scream.  My husbands moods are up and down and I don't know where I stand anymore. He says he still loves me which is great:). But I know that she is still in the picture. I offered to be her friend and my husband said that she doesn't like me, ( even though she has never met me). I don't mind that they are friends but I wish that he was upfront with me. This woman is no good

what do I do? Xoxo

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

My dear Charliebear,

i wrote a reply earlier but it must of worked:(.  I am so happy that you and your husband are taking it one day at a time. I am at the stage where I just want to scream. I don't know where I stand with my husband anymore, and I hate that. He says he loves me and I love him, but why is he so different now:(. I want my loving husband back:(

[Charliebear]

Don't get me wrong this is not easy. I'm not sure if my needs will ever be met. I too hope for the love of my husband back. I'm giving him the space and it's going to be hard trying to live under the same roof, support him, try to make me happy and try not to get overwhelmed with everything. I still cry every night cause I just want him back too. One day is totally different to the next. I don't whether we are coming or going. I don't know whether he wants to chat or he doesn't. I still find it emotionally frustrating. I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't even sleep. I was so tired earlier and now it's 11.15 and I'm wide awake and it drives me nuts that he is downstairs on the lounge cause he has stuff all over his bed. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and not caring anymore and just do what I want and do stuff with my son. Then if he wants this marriage then he can fight for it. It's just hard cause I love him. I believe that through all of this I am just sad all the time. It doesn't help that I am at home all the time. So I need to get out and do stuff hence my massage tomorrow. I am worth it and you are worth it. I'm off to listen to music to try and relax me. Till the next time....the story continues.......

[geoff]

dear PMD, can I just ask you a question because I'm not sure who you mean when you say ' he wouldn't sleep with her and she hates that', and I'm just wondering whether this is his brother's wife. L Geoff. x

[Charliebear]

Morning! Geoff PMD has a husband who also has depression and has turned to another female. It is separate from my issue. She has her own post on the website. 

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Thank you for cleaning that up Charliebear. Yes Geoff, my husband does suffer with depression and yes he has turned to another woman. I am at the point of my life where I just want to leave him and not come back. I waited up until12.45am for my husband last night. Yes he was at work but he never works that late. I have asked him several times to take me to the vivid light festival that is only on for 2 weeks. Of course there is no answer and he just stairs right though me. I even said that I will take this Saturday off work and we can go. I bet any money he will go to the meditation centre.

this is breaking my heart, as I weight 52kgs and I don't feel like eating much:(

[geoff]

dear PMD, thanks for getting back to me, and I can well and truly understand your worry, as my ex was doing the same working to some ungodly hours and even not coming home one night, but this is about your concern.

For me looking at your situation from the outside, it does seem as though there isn't any doubt what's so ever, and even going to meditation well are you sure that he actually does go.

I'm sorry for saying this to you, but if he has turned to someone else and it's a female friend, then he would be open for any temptation from her, and for this to happen would definitely be on the cards, and she would take every opportunity she could to entice him, and because he's depressed he would easily fall for it.

Your weight is a very low amount, and as much as you love him, the way he just 'stairs right through you', must be heartbreaking for you.

I can't tell you what to do, but you are really hurting, and the love only seems to be going one way, but even this isn't strong enough to maintain a marriage.

People can say and they can be right, that it's only happening because of his depression, well yes and no, but the damage it is causing leaves a trail of misery, plus I still believe that once it has happened it will happen again, especially when there is confrontation between the two of you, as he will again seek either this person or someone else.

This hasn't been a very cheery reply to you, but it has happened many times before, and you will always doubt where he says he is going.

I hope that you can get back to me even though I may have said some awful things to you about your situation.

I really hate doing this to people, but I feel as though I need to say what I have been through myself. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Thank you for your post Geoff,

Please look at my page as I replied there to you. This is a different situation to Charliebear.

thank you

PMD:(