Husband's Depression & Anxiety Getting To Me

[alethea]

My husband was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies about 4 years ago. Since then he's been on medication. Even with the medication, he's paranoid, defensive and often aggressive towards the wrong people, which is evident in his inability to hold a job for longer than 6 months. He's a qualified and experienced IT programmer and his skills are in high demand, but he can never get along with people and always ends up at the losing end. He's always worrying about something, makes mountains out of molehills and what's worse, believes the entire world is conspiring against him. He believes that everyone around him and known to him are in some grand scheme to make him the centre of the universe!

After 7 years of marriage, dream after dream shattering into millions of pieces, I'm at breaking point myself. I feel I'm headed for a life of depression too. I've seen two counsellors so far, who have said I just need to keep talking to him and support him, that communication is key.

I've tried, but he always says I don't understand him and that I don't see his point of view. He has even accused me of not knowing how the world works. 

I'm so sick of it now, what do I do?

[Bec78]

Has he tried different medication or counselling himself?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear alethea,

7 years of marriage is pretty good with your given situation.  Well done.

Maybe you IT husband (with all his faults) is some kind of perfectionist.   This might point to a diagnosis of Aspergers (which you can do online - it's just situation questions and they give you the results straight away + boundaries).

Anxiety is really catching.  He'll worry about something. You'll worry about him worrying about something.  He'll worry more.  Someone needs to step in early when these anxious thoughts happen and call a "time out".  Change the subject.  Have sex.  Anything.   Actually, having sex with a perfectionist might be a good thing.  Whatever.

You seem to know very well how the world works.   There's no way you should take this at face value.   Psychologically he is minimalising your concerns, telling your not to worry your pretty little head about the big bad world.  It's a total con.  The other thing with a statement like "you don't know how the world works" is that sometimes we project our thoughts onto others, so, in a way, you could interpret this as your husband not knowing how the world works.  But if he say it to you with some conviction you might fall for it.    Call his bluff ?  Ask "I'm interested to know, in what precise emotional, physical and spiritual way don't I understand how the world works ?  Hang on there while I get you a pen a paper.  No, you select the pen and paper as I might not chose the right ones".   Do you get this angle ?

Good Luck being a great partner for another 7 years.  There are a lot of marriages where partners don't fully understand each other.  Even in Pocohantis the Indian sqaw that falls for the English Naval Captain have their own cultural difficulties.  That is until they go to the secret Mother Nature and snuggle in the forest.  And it doesn't get much better when they take Pocohantis back to London to dress in finery and be a lady.    Then there's the racial discrimination as the Navy officer is white and Pocohantis is black.   If Disney ever outdid itself with a children's movie about partners that are worlds apart then Pocohantis is up there with the best.  And all this flux is sustained with one of the best musical scores of all time.  Infact, the theme song "Colours of the Wind" won the Oscar.

So, you might be worlds' apart with your husband but at least you're not whitelaced and bonneted whilst wondering where you forest dagger should go.     And your husband (masquarading as John Adams) isn't going to get on with the savages or his shipmates because there will always be something out of quilter.   And IT people are totally quirky anyway.  Even when wearing petticoats.

Adios,David.

PS   Hey, I use some imagination.   "Have you thought about seeing a GP ?" is equally as valid.   Or cut the electricity off and organise a massage and joint bubble bath when the computers are off. Candlelights across the shower wall.   Dulcet whale calls in the background.  Talk in soft Elvish whispers.  Wash each other with mouse pads.    You know, have a computer free night.   Night without Byte.   If you think about it precision is as far removed from imagination, spontaneity and passion as you can think.  Although you could always give each other score cards.

[CarolineCarr]

Hi Alethea,

I know communication is important, but I think you can get to a point where you can feel as if you are banging your head against a brick wall.

It's very draining when your partner is worrying all the time and behaving in an irrational way or being hostile towards you. The thing is, that behaviour is due to the depression. I think it would help if you learn to take an emotional step back. There are many ways of doing this and perhaps your counsellors could help you. This will mean that his behaviour doesn't have such a negative impact on you. This can take a bit of practice, but it makes a real difference.