Husband putting all the blame on me for mental health and addiction

[Silentlycrumbling]

Hi everyone ,

I apologise in advance for the long post. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. He has always had a problem with smoking pot and depression for around 8 years ( looking back now he has had signs since the start). Three years ago his mother passed away and he went down hill . He has lots of periods where he can’t get out of bed, won’t turn up to work , pushes everyone away and stays like that for a week or so . When he comes around he expects everyone to just go on like normal and now that he is good everyone else should be good too.

I work full time , do everything related to our children do all the things related to the house , all the food and bills and just asking him for some help around the house and with the kids can set him of .

I come home and see that he is smoking pot in the house ( which I have told him I don’t want the children around ) and he tells me I just have to deal with it . He says the only problem we have is me asking for help and getting angry about the pot because if I didn’t everything would be fine . He has also said I’m the reason he gets depressed.

Im at the point where I don’t say anything because I’m scared but it’s eating me alive. I want our children growing up in a house where they don’t have to walk on egg shells and they see family as one that walks on eggshells. I have thought about leaving but he has told me many times that we are all he has and I worry about his safety.

He is medicated but currently that’s all he does . I’m in the. Process of getting help and talking to someone because I believe I’m showing signs of anxiety. My eldest child is also quite anxious and also getting help .

i would love to hear from people in the same situation or who have been here . It’s so mentally draining . He tells me not to tell a sole anything or it could set him of so I’m constantly in fear that Anything I do will set him of.

A year ago I come home from work to a note saying he was gone and he couldn’t do this anymore so I called the police and his best friends and 24 hours later he was found . He got so angry at me for getting help and can’t see why him leaving That note and leaving would cause me any grief. I don’t think myself or my kids can handle much more

thank you

[Doolhof]

Hi Silentlycrumbling,

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with and that it would be very beneficial for you to have a talk with a Dr. a counsellor of some type and maybe even a lawyer.

It sounds like you have the financial capabilities to leave if that is what you decide to do.

I guess you need to consider what is most important to you in life.

Do you think there is any chance of your husband changing?

I was recently told that if a person doesn't have any reason to change their behaviour they won't. The person advised me to leave my relationship and then my husband may consider he can't take me for granted.

I have tried talking to my husband and I just don't think he gets it. The more we do for them the more they expect. I can't change him, but I can work on changing me and what I want out of life.

Hope you find some answers as feeling "stuck" can do your head in!

Cheers from Dools

[Silentlycrumbling]

Hi

thankyou so much for the response . I’m in the process of getting myself and my eldest support for our anxiety that is related to what we have been through .

this is not the life I want for myself or my children but I’m very worried for my husband and his safety is the only reason I’m staying at the moment .

[FxZIONZ]

Hi Silent,

So i am not in a similar position to you. However i agree with Doolhofs response. I am similar to your husband. I get in a headspace and need actually serious threats to get out of the headspace.

For example, my values in life had depleted to just about nothing. I didnt give a damn about anyone else, i was self centered. Then when work called me in and were like 'hey, we cant keep you on once your contract ends unless you can prove you value the company better than what you do now'. So i was like, well i dont want to lose my job as it means with my anxiety and depression i have to go through the whole regime of finding a new job. So i made improvements and ended up keeping my job.

So I agree with Dool. Give them a reason to change. Dont expect them to change but give them a reason to. Then if they do change make it known that they cant go back to that state of mind. They need to go to work, they need to help with the kids, chores and your own health. They need to be forced out of that state of mind.

Its harsh, however i know if that was me in your partners shoes, if i ever got that bad, i would need to be threatened enough to switch out of the self centered state of mind to a open mind.

To get your partner to help around the house, just ask for little helping hands. Like hey can you just throw the washing on and then hang it up when its finished. Or hey can you do the dishes. And over time just increase how much you ask for. Eventually a little task will be nothing and he will just do it.

Its alot but hope something was helpful.

Tj.

[wrainbow]

Hi Silentlycrumbling,

I was almost in an identical situation like yours a few years ago, I feel for you. It must be very frustrating and feel helpless and hurt when you want to support him, all you get is blame. It is unfair and you don't know what to do. I have 3 children and I have no doubt that your concern about kids' wellbeing as well. Mentally draining for sure.

Years of draining relationship went pass, our situation hit the rock bottom, I once decided to move on by taking separate way, that declaration woke him up. Both of us didn't want to do that as we value a united family for children, but I felt that I had no choice. Well, I took counselling sessions and helped me to cope, then eventually we learnt how to maintain the relationship. Things can be changed, and people can change too only when ready. If you look after yourself first, it might inspire him! Our current relationship is good, though not perfect, I feel much stronger and be able to handle his tantrum.

[Tijana]

My situation is similar to yours in many ways. All I can say is, put your children and yourself first and if that means separating from your husband, so be it. He doesn't care about your or children's wellbeing, so why should his wellbeing be your priority.

[Doolhof]

Hi Tijana,

Just noticed your post here. Sorry to read you are experiencing a similar life to Silentlycrumbling. Hope you can find ways to look after yourself and children if they are involved as well.

I'm wondering if you might feel comfortable starting up your own thread if you have not already done so. It is certainly okay for you to join in anywhere here on the forum.

Hope you are able to get your life back together and find ways to move forward.

All the best from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Silentlycrumbling,

Hope you have managed to get some assistance for yourself and your child.

Have your circumstances changed at all? It can be very difficult at times to know what is the best thing to do.

Hope you are all okay.

Cheers from Dools