Husband not coping with role as a Father

Colqujes · ‎18-05-2015

After many arguments about the way my husband is parenting our 4 year old - verbally abusive and aggressive - my husband has finally admitted that he is not coping and know that he is playing out the way his Dad parented him. My husband is a shell of himself - drinking every afternoon, weight gain, generally pessimistic. Our constant arguments with me calling him on his aggressive behavior towards our Son are taking its toll on my and my feelings for him. He had decided to take a back seat to parenting and hand it all over to me - he feels as though his reactions are hard wired into him and he can't change so he will avoid the situation all together as he doesn't want to damage our Son like he has been damaged.

I know that he is capable under neath it all and Ii want to help him out of this self loathing and constant state of hopelessness. He is a great provider and loving husband...but struggles in his role as Dad - we also have a new baby 4 months old.

My husband has a history where his older Brother committed suicide and then his Mother consequently drank herself to death after the event. I know a lot of this not coping is stemming from all this un resolved past.

He won't see someone or relationship counselling as I know he will feel attacked and feel like he is on trial and feel like he is a "bad person" further when he isn't coping already - he is open to me reading and trying to help.

There is so much more and so many layers I don't even know where to start.

Number one is that he will no longer be actively disciplining our Son and I will take over that main role to stop the cycle of abuse and stop the triggers for the situation getting out of hand. He can be such a loving Dad and thats the sad things its parenting under so many extreme up and down emotions. Intense Lover, Intense Anger and unrealistic expecations of a 4 year old. Sometimes I think I should just leave - but I love him and know that his past is now manifesting in the stressful time of young children and I am trying to put my expecations and hurt aside as to not just abandon him like so many before me such as his Mother and Aggresive Dad.

Where the Hell do I begin?

Jacko777 · ‎18-05-2015

Hi Colqujes,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, you have all been through a very tough time and I really think you are turning a corner, you have decided it is time for a new plan. I am admire your determination to fix this.

I am sad to hear your husband is struggling, I want to give him a hug, in fact, can you pass the keyboard over to him??? He SO won't be attacked, he won't be on trial, he will have to share his story with a professional (who has heard it all before!) who can help him to develop a strategy for recovery. He has some options; he could ring the BB phone service to get some pro advice about what to do next, he could go and see his GP for a 'diagnosis', or he could seek a counselor. I think he would benefit, probably greatly, from appropriate therapy. Will he do any of this?

Does he know you are posting on here? If he does could you give him this message for me...Gday Mate, I was concerned and a bit sad to hear how things are for you guys, your loving wife is keen to work with you to make a fresh plan, to make things better and right as you know they can be. You are not hard wired mate, you are elastic, you can grow new bits, good bits, you can recapture your love and calmness, lots of crap goes down and we are not always aware of how it affects us but it does in many ways, so we get help, from someone that has seen it all before, we develop a new strategy of recovery that takes small steps each day to achieve, we take satisfaction from knowing that we are in the saddle and on track. You can do this mate. Others have, so can you. Action cures fear...start this process of recovery now, for your self and your family, set the example. Big slap on the back for you mate, get on here and talk to me.

Jack

Colqujes · ‎18-05-2015

Thanks so much for your reply Jack - it means a lot to hear a clear voice in this fog I feel we are in.

He doesn't know I am posting on here as yet - I am wary of him reading my post due to the way that I have described him and it triggering more negative self talk and self loathing. I think he needs someone to correspond with and talk things out with.

He has a lot going on at the moment with a course he will be going overseas to do and will be away from home for 5 weeks - this may give him some time to breathe a little without the kids constantly around...hopefully I know he has needed help for such a long time but as he has said....there is so much wrong where do you start and I think it just feels so overwhelming for him.... I try to say "How do you eat an Elephant? One piece at a time... hopefully he is coming to his own realisation that getting help will move us,him and our family forward in the right direction to healing.

Jacko777 · ‎18-05-2015

Thanks for replying Colqujes.

If you did want to suggest this site to your husband you could remind him that it is completely anonymous. As you know he can post here and get some support and advice, many people here have been through various treatments and possibly we can help to reduce his concerns.

You are so right, it's one bite at a time. I guess that doesn't mean you can eat an elephant quickly, it's a big animal. I practice taking satisfaction from knowing I am on track, I am biting the right elephant, you don't want to eat a whole elephant for nothing. For me, mental wellness is a journey, not necessarily a destination and I have the choice to enjoy the journey, or not. I practice choosing to enjoy the journey, some times it's hard, some times it's impossible! I can understand that your husband is overwhelmed, it feels like a massive thing for him, we can all relate. My journey of recovery by the way was instigated by my concerned loving partner who brought it to my attention (!) that she was having trouble dealing with our relationship, we got help and never looked back, it's still a journey. And hey, so what if it is a hard road to recovery, it beats never departing, it's worth a red hot go, you both deserve greater peace and happiness.

You could copy stuff into a document if you wanted to share with him. Does your husband have mates he can talk to? Hobbies, interests, pastimes, passions? For me it is important to keep all the aspects of my life topped up so I can have some strength and self respect when one aspect is challenged. Love to you and your family.

Jack

SeventyEight · ‎22-05-2015

Hi Colqujes

I often feel like your husband does, in a situation where I am impatient or tired - my father's voice comes out of my mouth. Now my father was not a terrible parent, but I am not planning on parenting like he did. I feel so embarrassed afterwards because I have made a concious decision on the way I want to parent.

And I think that is what has worked for us - my wife and I sat down and said : "This raising kids business is a team sport. We need a game plan and we both need to stick to it"

Sure some days we muck it up (mostly me as I am not the primary caregiver), but we can hold each other accountable and say this was not what the plan was...let's get back on track.

Being a parent is hard - hugs for you guys

Carmela · ‎23-05-2015

Hi Colqujes, what a beautiful person you are. To be a carer is one of the most challenging things to do. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. There are no hard and fast rules on this journey.

I have travelled a similar road over the last 9 years. I spent my time trying to figure out what to do for my husband and lost sight of me and my son as the depression was so consuming of my time and head space. The one piece of advice l would like to share as it was offered to me was - don't forget about YOU. YOU are a mum, not just a wife and you are also YOU. It is important to ensure your own mental health for, as a carer, we are susceptible to the depression. I saw a Counsellor which helped immensely. It gave me a forum to speak openly and authentically about my feelings as l could not do this with my husband in fear of setting him off or making him feel that his was not a good husband.

I contacted Carer Australia. They are a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to improving the lives of carers through services like carer counselling, advice, advocacy, education and training.

Another contact worth checking out is Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia (MHCAA). They provide specialist mental health support to families and carers. Support includes linking people to other carers who can offer face-to-face peer support.

I joined a local group of carers which was amazing. They were all carers of partners or family members with mental health issues and the 2 hours per month was so incredibly useful and heart warming. ARAFMI will be able to direct you to a group close to you.

In closing, you are precious and worth your time. Take time out for you as you are important. You are an amazing Mum and don't doubt that. Living with someone with mental health issues raises our doubts and fears. You are courageous for reaching out. Stay strong.

Sending love to you and your family.