Husband is abusing medication

[isthisit]

I have been with my husband for many years. We have a child and another one on the way - due to arrive in 10 weeks. Before I go into details about my husband I should say that when we had our first, I suffered from perinatal anxiety/depression and then PTSD due to a traumatic birth process. I know this also had an impact on my husband too. I kept my PTSD to myself for the first 6 months of my child's life, but finally told my husband and got successful help for it when I couldn't hold it in any longer. My husband reacted badly to this and decided that it was all his fault and that I was blaming him. Definitely not the case and I repeatedly assured him of this. And this is where I *think* the problem started.

I believe this is around the time that my husband began abusing medication (purchased illegally from someone he worked with - based on text messages I saw). Before I saw any physical evidence I knew something was up, knew when he was 'off his face'. I'm a health care professional and administer a variety of medications on a daily basis at work. I know the signs and symptoms. That and I'm not an idiot. This was then confirmed by finding blister packs of the pills.

He would be gloriously happy when high, and a moody shit when hanging out for a fix. There have been times when he has been very unwell and claimed he's had a virus - again I'm not dumb and know that it's withdrawal. The last time that happened I thought that was it, he'd finally woken up to himself and everything was fine for quite a while.

Fast forward to a few months ago and I have a feeling it's happening again. Then he spends $700 in 5 weeks out of our bills account. So I check his bag. And there they are. On occasion he must take too much and he'll go to bed at night of a weekend and not wake until after 2pm. I find myself going in to check on his to make sure he's still breathing. And yet somehow, he manages to stay functional - never missing a day of work etc.

Last week I had a bad feeling and checked his bag again. HUNDREDS of pills. I have no idea what this would've cost or what he plans to do with them. Creating a stash? Suicide?

I've avoided saying anything because I don't know how to approach it without him getting angry or going into denial despite evidence. But I now feel like if I don't say something and he accidentally overdoses it's my fault and my children will grow up asking why I didn't try to help daddy. That and I am become depressed myself.

Help?

[Bethie]

Hi

I can only comment from the point of view of being a recovering alcoholic/addict 17 years clean and sober. Sorry if I'm blunt on this subject. It sounds like he may be dealing or getting ready to deal. The money going out from your bills account he would know would eventually be noticed and that you would most likerly take steps to cut of his supply of funds.

You seem like you know the deal with addicts. Nobody can tell them to stop. It must be a personal choice. Maybe a bit of emotional blackmail might work. Tell him how sad it is when kids go to visit parents in jail and the mental scares the children carry as adults

[gld]

Hi isthisit,

I feel the most import thing is to look after yourself and your young child first.

Addition is something we are unable to control for others and is very difficult to support others if they do not want our support.

Having such great fears for your husband has the power to become to very overwhelming for someone who is experiencing this sort of thing. Going to a good Gp where you could go and talk to who could help you find some supports for yourself.

Look after yourself and know you do not have to go through this alone.

Gen

[isthisit]

Bethie

I questioned the money being spent immediately. He put it down to taking up smoking again behind my back. This much is true. Smokes are expensive but not that bloody expensive.

I think my biggest fears are: 1. He'll die 2. When told I can't put up with this or expose the kids to this he'll choose the pills and I'll have to kick him out.

Terrifying all round really.

I'm going to make an appointment with my GP as soon as I can to talk it through with him and what I need to do. I don't plan to say anything until the working week is done so we've got a full weekend to yell/cry/talk/etc

[Bethie]

Worse case senario you may need to get him taken in via the mental health act. I had to do that with my husband because of his retrograde amnesia and chronic PTSD.

[gld]

Hi isthisit,

I feel that anyone else's actions are their own and no one benefits from taking on others actions as their fault.

By reading your posts you are taking steps to make improvements for you. Please find supports you are able to access when things become overwhelming when taking theses steps like friend you feel comfortable to talk to, family as well as beyond blues 24/7 support number on 1300 22 4636. Taking to someone has always helped me when things get heavy.

Gen

[Ask_Jay]

Hi isthisit

I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happening for you and your husband, especially so close to your due date – I know it must be creating a lot of unwanted stress for you both. And with your history and the impending birth, I’m sure this makes you want to get things sorted as soon as you can and that will be adding more pressure.

I think you’re doing a great job of managing a really tricky situation. It’s always tricky having those conversations and I thought you had come up with two excellent strategies for managing the situation: making a time to talk things through with your GP and finding a time to talk with your husband where you had uninterrupted time to yell/cry/talk 😊 have you managed to do either/both yet?

I also wanted to say that maybe your husband is trying to deal with a tricky situation the best way he can too. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept his behaviour if it’s intolerable to you. It just means trying to reframe the situation to think that each of you is doing your best with the coping strategies (tools in your toolbox) that you currently have. The trick may be for each of you to get more tools! For this may be talking to your GP/counsellor, getting some more strategies together (e.g. support for yourself, a plan b for support with your pregnancy/birth, alternative places to stay if you need to) and getting clear about what you need, your boundaries and what you will and won’t accept. For him – well, that’s harder to say as I don’t have an idea of where he is at. You could give him information about alcohol and other drug support services and hope that he uses it. A good first step could be Counselling Online https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/ - it has a lot of great info about drug use, including self help information and the options to seek help over the phone, email, or webchat. You can also use the service for support.

The thing is - you can’t make anyone get help, they have to do it for themselves and sometimes that’s a hard thing to come to terms with. So - you need to look after yourself.

Best of luck and let us know how you go.

[nickypee]

Hi there

Sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I understand how hard it is dealing with an addict. My brother has major addiction issues and bad depression which he medicates with alcohol and drugs. They constantly lie and manipulate things so that you will stick around and support them. They love to play the victim role too. Don't feel bad for taking a break from him if you need. I've had to take several long breaks from him just to protect myself and my own mental health.

I would get on to a mental health plan via your GP. In the meantime, the drugs and alcohol service run by the govt is really helpful. Your husband can go into detox via the public system. You can always ring the beyond blue phone number anytime which I have done on several occasions for my brother.

The really hard thing is that they don't want to get help themselves and they are often heavily in denial. Yes I would cut off his financial resources and give him the ultimatum to get help or you are going to leave. You need to keep yourself and your kids emotionally safe. Don't hide this from your family and friends. You need lots of support and help during such a tough time especially with another one on the way.

Don't feel responsible for your husband taking up drugs. That's not your fault. Everyone will most likely go through mental health issues in their lifetime and we all need to support each other. I think it is a big cultural norm for Australian men to deal with stress and their issues with alcohol and drugs. Life seems to be getting more demanding, stressful and expensive which is why people are getting anxiety and depression more.

I hope your situation improves. Just remember you are never alone and never feel ashamed about the issues you are dealing with.