Husband in "dark place", feeling helpless!

[beckikateman]

I hope I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe it's the right thing, for the sake of our relationship and our children.

For the past month, I've noticed a change in my husbands behavior (we've been together for 19yrs, married for 10yrs & have 2 boys (4yrs & 6yrs old) so we know each other very well). At first I thought it was me. I noticed less physical contact, less intimate moments, felt less attractive, more distance, vagueness from him and just an awful gut feeling like something was just not right. Like a sixth sense or women's intuition. My first thought was "there's another woman".

He's been very distant also, he'll disappear into the shed or bedroom and I've caught myself feeling quite resentful. Resentful because he disappears at the most inconvenient times when I'm trying to juggle kids homework, showers and dinner preparation, like he's "opting out" of family responsibilities. I have caught myself approaching him and telling him "stop distancing yourself from the family, they're our children, not just mine, "just snap out of it!". I'm now ashamed for saying that as I now know better, but at the time, he wasn't talking to me and I didn't know what was up with him and I just got to that point where I was feeling very frustrated.   

Two weeks ago I asked him several questions "Do you still find me attractive? Do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me? To all of which he said "yes!" So, then I asked him "So what's up then? Somethings just not right, you're not talking to me, you need to talk to me!" To which he replied "I'm just tired!" He seems to be always tired, brushing off any advances I make towards him. Because he's tired!

Last night I got to a point where I just felt like there has to be another woman, so I said "You say you love me but some people can love/desire/lust over more than one. Is there someone else?" He said "No, that's not it!" To which I replied "Well if that's not it, what is it? You're not talking to me, I feel like somethings up, I can't shake this feeling of somethings just not right. I feel like you want out, I feel like you don't want to be here/be with me anymore. I cant help you if you don't talk to me!" So, now he's opened up. He calls it "being in a dark place"

He's still providing well for our family, doing well at work and still managing finances but I now feel he's putting on a brave face outside the home and he shuts down once he gets home. I've done some research on the wonderful University of Google this morning and I'm on the verge of making a Doctors appointment for this week (as per advice on the net) and the plan is, is to go with him. I'm slightly hesitant in making that appointment without consulting him first but then I think he may deny that it's that serious and refuse to go. Our relationship together and our family unit can't stay healthy without help, so do I make the appointment without his consent or not?

[geoff]

dear Beckikateman, great for you to join the site, and I must say that you have explained the situation very well.

OK so there is no other woman, and that's good for the both of you, but especially yourself, and from reading your post it does seem as though he is suffering from some type of depression, and when I say depression it's at the top of the umbrella in which all the different types flow down from it, and with him it could be any one of them, or it could just be depression.

What people do with depression is they put on a 'fake face' either at work or even socially, and as soon as they come home this face is taken off and they slump back into how they actually feel, and that's by being depressed.

At the moment he is in a state of denial, because 'being in a dark place' hasn't necessarily admitting to being depressed, because this word is still considered to be taboo, but really there are so many people suffering from this disease.

He does need to see the doctor and once you get him there I would say a few words to the doctor while he is with you and then ask if he wants you to leave, hopefully not and hopefully he will break down, where the doc will start the process for him to feel better.

You have to understand that this is the beginning of his treatment, so we don't know how long before he begins to feel better, but I would like you to keep us in touch, because you may need support as well. L Geoff. x

[Queenie]

Dear Beckikateman - I know where you are at.  I was there about six years ago and instead of getting help and focusing on our relationship, I tried to keep things together on my own and now things are exactly where I didn't want them to be.

I found that as the years progressed, like you I was trying to find a reason behind his increasing distance from me and our children.  Like you I thought it was another woman, that is was me. I now know that he was struggling to come to terms with the changes within himself and feeling guilty that he couldn't give his family the love that they needed. .

Please get help - it's just not possible to do it on your own.  Get yourself a support network.  Get him a support network.  Research depression and for those of us who are caring for people with depression. Go with him to the doctor. This was the most helpful thing I did but I left it too late - the doctor actually said that it was the best thing because he got a more balanced view of how bad things were  (it was hard for my husband to be honest with his doctor even).  Go to a counsellor, both of you, alone and together.  See if you can find someone who can help you to respond to his depression and support him without giving up on yourself.  I deeply regret that my jealousy and anger about being increasingly isolated and physically and emotionally deprived led us on a path that has resulted in us now seperated and unsure of what lies ahead for us. Please don't get sucked into the black hole like I did, and alienate yourself from the people that love you and the things that you like to do.  Coping with depression is exhausting, and that inexplicable jealousy of everything that they do that makes them seem 'happy' outside of your relationship is consuming. 

It is a long road you have ahead of you, equip yourself as best you can now, so that you can be the strongest, most supportive person you can be while looking after yourself and your children. Please look after you.  

While I am no expert, and I also know that your path will be different to mine,  I hope that my words can help you in someway. 

Queenie