Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!

[Imagine]

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.

I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).

He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.

We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).

There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.

I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.

What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?

I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.

I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything. 

I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.

But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.

Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

[verysadlady]

I am so sorry Imagine 😞  Having been through something similar I know exactly how it feels when someone you love and trust changes personality like this. It makes you feel like you are mad, like things are surreal and there's no way to make sense of it.

Of course it is much worse when you are faced with a fallout in terms of your living situation, trying to cope with this sort of thing while you are in such shock and emotional pain.

Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with for a few weeks, or who can come and stay with you?

It will take some time for the shock to wear off, you will run on adrenaline.  Talk about it to everyone, it helps, the more you talk the easier it is.  Just vent.  Share with people who have similar experiences.

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

[Imagine]

Thank you Geoff and please don't apologise for being asleep - you and the others here have already given me so much support, good advice and strength and I can't express how much that has helped me.

I have accepted that I can't change him - he is lacking that willingness to work on a relationship and I can't help him with that. All relationships face some hardships - I know that is just part of life, but you are right - it's hard to have been lied to and then discarded when I freely gave everything I had based on a hope he never shared, but it is what it is and there is no future in a relationship where one person does all the giving and forgiving. He has become selfish which is a sad outcome for a once beautiful and compassionate person, but that is beyond my control. I feel sad that he is losing so many relationships in his life with his current behaviour, not just our marriage, but that is ultimately his choice.

So I am just trying to get through each moment of each day with the belief that there is a light somewhere ahead in this darkness.

Thanks again for your kindness and support.

Take care

Imagine x

.

I

[giggles]

Hi Imagine

You know what? so now you know for sure.

If I was around you at the moment I reckon you would properly be part of my knitting and crochet group creating wonderful pieces due to the wonder in you.

thank you for your delightful response to my post all I see in you Imagine is someone who needs time to heal herself and she has such a big heart that I may need two skeins of colorful wool to wrap it up so the beating will push the blood round the whole body so she can become what ever she would like to be.

Or we simply make a scarf to keep you warm when you feel the coldness from life.

I know the practicality of life really sucks I could tell you some things but there is always a solution this you know  and I personally will not allow myself to dwell on stuff now and I have learnt far too much to let the depression win.

shame we did not have a place to post what we make during our recovering boy have got some art pieces that sit here doing nothing much. Be lovely to see what everyone sees especially since they have come from a place of joy.

I do loads of other crafts as well cause I can.

there has to be a bigger purpose for you Imagine as I believe there is for everyone reaching out on this site. I am not responsible for telling anyone what they should be doing, as tempting as that may be at time. the power is always us doing for ourselves with what ever resources we have at hand.

Unfortunately the depression etc to me is our undoing but the doing up is great fun like creating with wool.I get how you are feeling at the moment but take heed once your counseling starts making sense to you the feeling will lesson I found I could not push this no matter how much I wanted to be happy all the time. Ha to that one.

Its the fear that needs to subside.I get your feelings on that score.

This is here for you Imagine Love the name. So use it Imagine what good will come from you once the cloud moves eventually.

One minute at a time and all the best.

so pleased I dropped by I had been wondering about you so now I know.

Isn't that fault thing a beggar why would anyone consciously do things like this to themselves.

giggles