Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!

Imagine · ‎12-12-2013

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.

I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).

He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.

We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).

There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.

I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.

What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?

I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.

I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything.

I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.

But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.

Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

Imagine · ‎26-12-2013

Thank you so much BennyBoy and Geoff. Your honest, thoughtful and insightful words help a lot.

I am being very careful to be quiet, peaceful, patient and supportive and not apply pressure (while leaving the door open if/when he wants to discuss the subject). I can see the pressure of the depression itself is crushing. I can't imagine what it feels like but I can actually physically see the weight on his shoulders. It's very reassuring to hear you say that this is the right thing to do, because it's a very hard thing to do. In a way, it helps me as well, because it's a huge effort for me to do this, to quietly cope with my own (physical and mental) pain and most of the household responsibilities, but if making that effort is something that helps, it feels worthwhile and gives me something to focus on, a goal amid the confusion, darkness and pain.

I know the first apartment he applied for was a weekly rental, not sure about the one he is waiting to hear back on but I do know it's another short term one which is good. He doesn't seem to be making any long term plans. The places he is looking at are fully furnished so it's not like he is setting up a new home base, more just a hideout I think.

Thanks again for taking the time to help and support me. I appreciate it so very much.

mr_confused · ‎29-12-2013

Hi Imagine,i know all too well what ur going thru,been married for 17 yrs our anniversary was in december,she didnt even acknowledge it,she took our boys on holidays,basically to get away from me and to think i hope,i love her dearly and supported her thru her rough times ova the last year.it is so had when someone you love and cared for suddenly decides its over,it does break ur heart and the depression sets in and wonder where did it all go wrong.i now have mild depression and anxiety,stress from all thats happened in the last few months,i'ts been hell.i am wishing when she returns she has a different mind set,but i have to wait and see.i know she cant live without me,but she has to see that for self.but then it mite be a little too late,she has attempted suicide 3x but that is more attention seeking than going thru with it and she says that we are ova but she is the one that rings from hospital to come pick her up,she has friends,but calls me,so yes i'm confused about the whole situation.if yours works out thats great news and i hope for the best.the waiting game is the hardest part.

Imagine · ‎30-12-2013

Hi Mr Confused,

My heart just goes out to you, There are no words that truly express this pain. .

Thank you for responding and sharing with me. I wish that no one had to go through this but having people who understand is a huge comfort to me. I can understand why you have depression/anxiety/stress - I feel like I am heading that way too and the physical toll on my body is brutal as well.

I am in the same place in the sense that he is shutting me out, blaming me for all sorts of things that aren't my fault, claiming that I am weak because walking uphill is painful with my inflamed joints and because I can no longer lift 25kg bags of garden supplies (I only weigh 45kgs!) but then also occasionally doing the complete opposite in other ways. He showed me pictures of his apartment this morning (apropos of nothing, I didn't ask to see it or raise the subject), went out for coffee with me yesterday, talks about extending the vegie garden next year (obviously assuming we will still be here as neither of us can afford this place on our own), talks about still going on the holiday we have booked in April "as friends" but then completely shuts me out. Feels so cruel but I know it isn't his fault. He has no cruelty in him - I've known him for 24 years so I am sure I'd have seen that before now. I haven't had to face the suicide attempts though - that must be a whole new level of hell that I cannot even imagine. I am seeing a big increase in drinking but he's a genial drunk so I am just watching out for his safety and quietly asked him to mention this to his counsellor. I keep anything like that to a minimum and as light as I can, I had him laughing when I pointed out that, like the overachiever he is, he even excels at depression. I am trying very hard not to put any pressure on him but it is incredibly hard on me. But there is no point in searching for any hope or reassurance from a depressive, they don't have any to give while they are depressed.

The waiting game is so hard. I feel sick with stress and fear but I can only take a moment at a time, be grateful for any positives and try and keep hoping that it's the depression, not that it's all over.

I wish you the best of luck too. Please let us know what happens when she returns. I will keep my fingers crossed for you, her and your boys.

guest75 · ‎30-12-2013

I feel for you Imagine, it must be a terrible situation.

I am in the opposite situation to you at the min, in that my partner has left me because of my mood swings due to my depression. But most of it is my fault, i didnt listen to her when she told me to seek help

If your husband is anything like me, just offer him all the support he wants, but dont be offended if he refuses or pushes you away, keep offering, and be there for him

It sounds like he is still in love with you just wants space at the minute

Anthony10 · ‎30-12-2013

Hi I know what its like..I have bipolar and feel there is no one that can support me, that's why I just joined. Hope to chat to others in similar situations

Imagine · ‎01-01-2014

Hi mattyj and Anthony10,

Thanks for your perspective. I am trying so very hard to understand. But even my best efforts to give him space are still apparently pushing him away. It's hard for me to completely hide my pain and to not speak to him at all, 24 hours a day, when I am broken-hearted. I am not asking for answers to the big questions - I know he needs to get well before he can answer them. Just wanting him to behave with simple courtesy to me and to acknowledge that he is not the only one suffering. I understand he is sick, but is his selfish behaviour uncontrollable? I want to believe it is the disease talking but I am confused because he is reasonable with others, it's just me that cops the brunt of it.

He is still here (by his choice - he could go to a friends or his Mums until the apartment becomes available) but he seems to expect me to be invisible or appear only when he feels like seeing me.

Did you feel like that about your partner? Is it part of the disease? Is there any advice you can offer me please? It seems everything I do is wrong. I don't know what to do, where to set the limits? I don't think it's acceptable for him to bellow at me for sleeping later than I expected when, exhausted from sleepless nights of worrying, I overslept on a nap. Nor should I have to hide in the back bedroom until he leaves.

I love him so much, but I am afraid of damaging that love and becoming resentful if I let him force me into tortured silence and take away what's left of my shattered self esteem.

Thank you again for your support and input. Best of luck to you both

emuman · ‎01-01-2014

Hi Imagine, Sounds like you are going through what i may be about to go through. My wife of 17 years has been suffering depression for a number of years. She has had help but often does not take the advice. It seems her depression comes from being bullied in school in the past plus other events. She has lost many friends and even some family i believe due to the depression and the mood swings. She now has very few friends and does not work so has a lot of time to think alone. I too have trouble knowing how to approach the situation and advice is not taken. The online counceller today suggested i go see a pyhcologist to get advice wife the aim of getting us both to some sessions. This is what I aim to do next week. My wife says that the only thing keeping her here is our kids. I too worry all the time and feel your pain. I consider myself to be a very patient and gentle man which has helped keep it together for so long but my strength is weakening. It is such a difficult disease to beat. I'm sorry this is much advice but I know what you are going through. It is hard for us to understand what they are going through. I know if my wife leaves things will be worse off for her as well and i'm afraid of what this will lead to. Hope it all works out for you and stay strong.

mr_confused · ‎02-01-2014

Hi Imagine,Well she has returned,picked her up from the airport,didnt say much,just straight on her phone texting.Was being ever so nice and polite,it didnt matter.She went to bed for a few hours got up and left,didnt see her till next midday morning.looked after our 2yr old son,ever since she got back.(which i loved).

She told me yesterday all her troubles about the endless list of boys and boyfriends running after her,as if i wanted to know and how she keeps losing them.

Our marriage is ova,i finally have closure after what i thought was 17 years of a normal marriage.We neva had anything in common(apparently) i guess having 3 beautiful boys don't count,

She did admit she pushed me away and hurt me,but that is still no compensation for what has happened.its a new year,for both of us,have to try to forget but it wont be easy,still care about her(which really hurts)like she feel asleep on the couch yesterday after being out she looked cold,so i put a blanket over her(i hate i still have feelings for her but time will heal,some it takes longer for her she has already moved on).

like you i lost weight didnt really eat for 12 days,just fluids,no alcohol,but i have come to realise i must look after me and me first,go and get pampered, a wax,massage,dye ur hair,whatever makes u feel better about yourself,start going to the gym,a lot of female gyms around,plenty of support.

yes one day she ask's how are you this morning,you ok!,What am i suppose to reply Yes couldnt be happier our marriage has fallen apart and you moved on,but i'm fine! She has no real feelings only fake ones that leave you wondering does she mean it or not.

just keep strong,try to forget (which is so hard) look after yourself. xx

guest75 · ‎02-01-2014

Hi Imagine,

I dont know if it effects everyone the same way or not - but your husband seems to be the opposite of me. I want people around me, i want to be close to people and i dont want to be alone. I would give anything in the world right now for a hug from my partner, thats all i want. We had a lot of fights before she took out the IVO, but apart from the times we were fighting I wanted to be close to her.

Sorry i cant be anymore help

Imagine · ‎03-01-2014

Hi emuman,

Thanks for your response and I truly feel for you. It is just so hard to imagine any positive outcome when they do not seem able to help themselves and rebut every effort, however gentle and kind, that we make to help. It's a bleak outlook for us and for them and much as we desperately want the terrible strain to ease, there is no easy answer.

I don't know if this will offer you any hope, but I did FINALLY (after much effort, patience and tact) persuade my husband to see the Dr this week. The Dr thinks he needs to continue the counselling (for the limited number of sessions on offer) then see a psych. He is also to continue his antidepressants (I thought they weren't working but Dr seems to think he needs more than meds). The exercise he is doing is good and he was told he needs to manage his drinking better. I guess I was hoping for more than this, but at least, he went to the appointment, the Dr doesn't think he's a suicide risk right now, he volunteered all this information to me and the Dr thinks he is on the right track even if it is an incredibly long road ahead. He has been asked to go back in a month.

He has now gone away for the weekend to see his brother and is moving out next weekend so I am alone with far too much time to think, and too exhausted to go anywhere and escape my own thoughts. I know these are positive steps for him, and I have been encouraging and supportive and swallowed my own fear and pain, but I don't know where they will lead for us, if there is an us, and that is terrifying.

Like you, I am trying to Stay Strong and keep that little hope alive. Good luck with the psych. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that there are better days ahead for us all.