How to support boyfriend struggling with stress and depression

Bnh1989 · ‎10-08-2019

Hi Everyone,

I am looking at how I can best support my now ex boyfriend who is struggling with depression.

We were dating and spending generally every second night together, depending on both of our work situations, recently I could tell that things were not great for him and he wasn't in a great headspace. I knew that work had stressful and his grandmother who is like a second mum has not been well. I would remind him that if and when he was ready to talk j was here to listen. He would respond that he knew that but he wasn't wanting to talk about it as he didn't want to burden me. He was constantly tired and would spend most nights playing games to as he would say distract his mind.

The other night he came over and I knew he wasn't in a good way, he sat down and told me that he was breaking up with me as I deserved someone who made me happy and wanted to spend all their free time with me. I told him that despite how he has been recently he does make me happy and that I wanted to be there for him. We spoke some more and he said that he still loved me and that I had been the best girlfriend he had ever had. I suggested a break and he said that what would happen if we got to the end our break and he still felt the same, We agreed to meet for a coffee in a fortnight.

When I have spoken to our mutual friends they were shocked that we had broken up and thought we were really good for one another. I don't want to push him away as we got along really well and I believe we could be friends of not in a relationship.

I'm struggling as to what to do now, I want to support him through this but I don't know how and I, scared that I'll lose him completely if I push too much.

Any ideas or thoughts would be great appreciated.

StrawberryYoghurt · ‎10-08-2019

Dear Bnh1989,

Honestly, trying to get him some external support other than yourself. Professional help is what he needs, try having a calm conversation with him explaining non-judgement and that there are people that will help him. The longer this goes on the harder it will become in the future.

Speaking from personal experience, please take care of yourself. Please wait until he is on track to getting better at least before you get back together. I am in a 6 year relationship with someone who has been depressed from day dot and it is the hardest thing to deal with. So much stressed and ownership of their mental health is placed on you unfairly.

Getting him to speak put and getting him to do things for himself is going to be the key, he won't get help unless he is open and wants too. Try speaking with the GP to get a mental health plan and get some free psychology sessions. He may only need a few of these to start the process of healing himself.

I know that you don't want to push him too far which is understandable, but having an actual face to face conversation in a quiet and comforting environment over a cuppa will hopefully reduce the stress around the topic of getting help and or having an open conversation. Offered a listening ear, support and let him know that you are there for him.
If you do "push it" and he doesn't want to be friends etc, he WILL realise that you were trying to help and that you had good intentions. It is all a slow process that takes time to realise the situation you are in and heal -not an over night process.

Good luck, stay strong and look after yourself xx

paddyanne · ‎11-08-2019

Hi Bnh. I read the reply from StrawberryYoghurt, which I can only reiterate. Be a friend only, because a romance is not really suitable for him at this time. Talking about the situation with mutual friends is a great help, but honesty with them is the key here. Explain clearly that you and he are friends and NOTHING more at this time, if your mutual friends believe there is more than just a friendship they will try to push both of you into something that he isn't ready for yet. He sounds extremely confused and if you can encourage him to seek professional help, it will benefit both of you. Keep it light and casual but try explaining you are not a professional counselor and you could accidentally steer him in the wrong direction. At the same time self-care is important for you. My ex and I are good friends now, but it took 7 months. We had to adjust to not being together and learning to be friends which we hadn't been. I still care about him, but his needs and mine are different. Pushing someone into committing when they're unwilling is not a basis for a relationship.

Gripo · ‎14-08-2019

I am in a very similar situation, been with my bf for close to 1 year, 4 months into the relationship he pushed me away and ghosted me for 2 months. He reconnected and promised to never do that again. However 6 months later, from being very loving and caring turns into a very possessive insecure person. He disconnected again a month ago, this time he is in touch on and off but very distant and says things like "i am not ready for a full on relationship" and then says" don't worry about what i said and give me some time", "I need me time", "I need to get my shit together" etc. He hasn't opened up on what he is going through yet, but all he said was "I have some issues that i need to deal with alone".He has mentioned he is on some form of medication that has lowered his testosterone levels. so i assume he has got professional help. All the signs say he has anxiety/depression. I want to be there for him, How can i get him to open up to me? It is actually making me very anxious, hoping he is and will be okay.