Can I save our marriage?

[10101]

I have been with my husband for 10 years and I love him dearly.

We moved to Australia 8 years ago and have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy. We live in a isolated rural area, and all our family is in the UK or France. We don’t have much support here.

The last 12 months have been so hard.My husband has been living with Major Depressive Disorder and has had episodes of Pyschosis. He also drinks a lot.

He has been trialed on many antidepressants some have helped some made it a lot worse.He is now on anti psychotics which he is very ashamed about.

His behaviour has been erratic. He had told lies, stolen and cheated whilst at his worse. He continues to tell lies and now I have no idea when he’s being honest and when he’s not and I have a feeling he does not know the difference now. His behaviour indicates that he no longer knows the difference between right and wrong. His behaviour is very risky and when confronted he always breaks down and talks about how he wants to be dead and we would be better off without him.

I am struggling. I am bringing up our son with no support. Whilst trying to help my husband.I know it’s not my husbands fault but some days I get so angry with him, he won’t stop drinking even though he knows it makes it worse. He tells so many lies and I feel so hurt our marriage is in tatters. I don’t think he can care about me.

If I choose to leave the only place I have to go is the UK I can’t afford to live here on my own with no support . I don’t want to take my son away from my husband.

I know it’s not a healthy environment to raise a child in but I really meant my wedding vows and despite all the hurt I don’t want to give up. We were happy for years and I really want that back. I have no idea what to do.

Has anyone watched someone go through this and come out the other side ? Or am I just holding on to false hope ?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So, you are wanting hope in what appears a desperate situation with no support here in Oz. I do think there is hope with some proviso's.

My last relationship was with a lady that was a closet alcoholic and that climaxed after 9 years to an unacceptable level. I am all too aware of the negative effect of drinking does to a relationship and I think therefore counseling is your main hope. How do you go about this with him especially if he refuses?

Being in a rural area wont help but it will be worth the travel if you can get your GP to refer you.

Firstly set up your counseling appointment then ask him to accompany you. If he refuses, then attend alone. Your counseling will be for your marital issues but if he does not attend it will also be for learning how to survive in your marriage without his assistance. Either way you will benefit. During this period of setting the counseling up, be calm, caring and express that you will be really proud of him for attending as a spouse and a father, to secure your future. Encouragement rather than rage.

Your husband has been unfaithful you say, this poses more challenges. However, it is your choice and no one elses whether this is a defining factor in your future because I note that you take your vows seriously and are so considerate as to not wish your son to be a single parent child- that is admirable. The only reservation I have is how far this commitment will go? Will it go that far as to damage your mental health further by traumatizing you? Will it later on damage your son more by staying than leaving and he having a part time custody situation? For those reasons do a little research on living costs and child support to ascertain the feasibility of separation. You can google "Child support formula" to find out your possible income from your husband IF you have sole custody. A social worker at your medical clinic can help you also in that regard.

I would leave any thoughts on Alcoholic Anonymous just now as this would come up in counseling where it is a safer place to discuss and raised by the third person.

Well done in getting help as it is a difficult issue.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pipe

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/man's-disease-thinking-more-than-one-thing-at-a-time#qgk6fHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

[10101]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My head has been a bit of a jumble and your advice has given me some things to take into consideration.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear 10101,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

You mentioned that your husband drinks a lot and how this has affected you, so I would like to make the following suggestion; there is a fellowship called 'Al-anon' which is for the friends and family of those who are affected by someone else's drinking. The link is here: https://www.al-anon.org.au/ ...... and the number, if you would like to call someone to talk to is 1300 252 666.

There is no requirement to attend meetings. You can just turn up to any meeting at any time. Sometimes though, it maybe helpful to call someone first. Hopefully they would be able to put you in touch with someone local to you. You are not alone in this, and Al-anon is a place where you will find comfort, support and understanding from those who have been where you are now.

Alcoholism is a disease; recognized as such by the World Health Organization, and is progressive. It is a two fold disease in that it is like an 'allergy' (most people who drink are okay with it and know their limits, but some people are not okay with it and have an 'allergic' or an abnormal reaction to it in that they consume much larger and more frequent amounts) and it is also coupled with a mental obsession; in that the idea of drinking will 'overtake' all other ideas. There's an internal battle of 'Yes' I can drink and 'No' I shouldn't drink that goes back and forth, back and forth until the person can no longer cope with the battle and drinks to stop the anguish.

It's almost a bit like Alzheimer's; we can see the person getting worse and worse, and occasionally they too can see themselves getting sicker, but they and we seem unable to stop it.

Your husband may not want, or right now have the capacity, to do anything about himself, but that doesn't mean that you can't do something to help yourself. And Al-anon could well be the thing that will help.

In the meantime, we're here for you and with you. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. I'll be thinking of you. Take care. Mel. xox