Husband has bipolar/depression and won’t seek help

[Emma_Dilemma]

Hi - long post sorry

I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years now & was unaware of how serious his mental health issues were until after marriage.

He has bipolar depression.

He has really low self esteem, no communication skills , & doesn’t think counseling will help. He is on medication daily, but has told me before that he has suicidal thoughts nearly every day. He has in the past , when he was drinking heavily , been verbally abusive and often asked me to end his life for him. We have a 15 m/o who he loves, but he hates my family & I have to make excuses for him not being Around.I don’t expect him to attend all events but I do the same for his family. He can enjoy time with his family and friends but when it comes to mine- he disappears.when I ask him to talk to me about it he won’t,I feel like he is lying.

I am very close to my family and this kills me.

He also is very tired most of the time, he is on a sleep apnea machine, & if I need help with the baby he flat out just says no he’s too tired.

In the past when I was worried he was suicidal I checked his phone once , & found messages to a family member saying how he thinks my family is crazy and how I need therapy - I have actually had counseling after having our baby because his anxiety and depression was feeding into my own anxiety. I am much stronger for it. I am now always checking his phone and he deletes everything

mutual friends have messaged me & told me that he has said to them about how my family is crazy, & how I’m the one who needs counseling. When I question as to why he is talking to others & not me he can’t answer me.

i feel at a loss. I loved my husband but as I was unaware of this condition until after marriage, I feel stuck. I feel like the person I thought he was - a happy social person who loved being around my friends and family with me - either doesn’t exist or was lying to me this whole time.

I have been begging him for the past 5 years to seek help.

I had a conversation the other night with him- a hard one , I told him that I need him to understand I can’t continue to be lonely in marriage & this is not what i thought marriage with him would be like. I told him that I loved him but that I have a lot of red flags & if he doesn’t learn how to take care of himself that I would take my daughter and leave.

i know that was probably the wrong choice of words & have never threatened leaving before but I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time trying to get him to understand

help

[smallwolf]

Hi Emma,

welcome to beyond blue.

It sounds like a horrible place fro you to be in. As far as your choice of words is concerned, you said you had been begging him for a long time, and at that moment those were the word you used. You could have another conversation explaining what you said or how you said, it because you were probably at the end of your tether? (Even my own mother told me in relation to my dad that in some areas he has to take responsibility for his health.)

As far as other matters are concerned, not liking your family, saying you are crazy etc. But then you also have young child together. If he had professional help but still had those thoughts, how would you feel? Perhaps you could ask him what is it that he dislikes about your family? At least that way you might have some reason.

Also remember that you have been to a counsellor once, so you could always have a chat with one again. Have you spoken about with any friends? If so, what did they say?

There is also a thread on the forums called This Bipolar life which you might like to have a look at - you might get some ideas there.

Tim

[Emma_Dilemma]

Thanks Tim , I will look at that thread for some insights.

i have no problem seeing my counselor again if I need to - and I did speak to him the next day explaining why I said the words I said. Hopefully it helps him understand.

[smallwolf]

Hi Emma,

I mentioned chatting with a counsellor mainly because you had spoken one previously and sometimes be able to talk openly with someone about the situation can be helpful. Of course you could also talk with friends and family about this as well. What do they think about the situation?

The other comment from your initial post was when you said that before you were married he was happy and social. What do you think changed the way he responded (or didn't) towards you? Are there topics you are able to talk to him about without him closing up? (I used to work from home - did that for the 15+ years as a software developer; totally kills social interactions, and as a result you can lose the skills to talk to other people.

Tim