How to help/support/survive wife with possible/probable bpd?

[wombats]

Hello,

I have been having difficulties with my wife for about 2.5 years now, we have two wonderful boys (6.5 and 3), and been separated for the last 6 months. I at first thought that she was experiencing extreme pms, things were ok for about 2 weeks, then out of nowhere she would switch for the next two weeks (irritable, picky, aggressive), about the end of which she would get her period. We would have arguments which would often end with me sobbing as I had no idea what was going on and the content of the arguments was often highly irrational. I started leaving the house to get away and to keep this away from the kids. Getting away became more common, and ended up in us being separated. I have had conversations with people who are familiar with bpd and they have said that its highly likely my wife has bpd.

I want to return to my family, but I don't know if I can cope with the intensity of her anger and emotions, her inability to accept responsibility for her actions, and general refusal/disregard for my opinions. I have tried to get her to help by suggesting she sees someone about her stress levels but she refuses. I have also asked her to see someone because I'm asking her to, as I have been to three counsellors over the last two years because she wanted me to, but she refuses. Her GP has given her a referral, but that ended up being cancelled.

Does anyone have any experience with and/or advice for these situations at all?

[wombats]

Hi quirkywords, I have posted two monologues to yourself and Kicker.

Yes by bpd I mean borderline, and yes I do realise that I shouldn't use the term as undiagnosed and I do try and focus on the behaviours (much more tangible than a 'condition').

I asked my counsellor how to go about establishing boundaries, thinking it was going to be done verbally, but they said that what I'm doing (not getting into the argument, keeping calm) is probably the best I can do. I'm not sure of the best way to curb her spending.

I have been reading the walking on eggshells book, lots of the behaviours are familiar to me, and unfortunately the high functioning side is also more familiar to me. Most of my wife's friends an co-workers think that I deserted my family and have been off having a picnic while she struggled. They don't see the woman who constantly complains about not having any money, but doesn't stop buying unnecessary items. It also doesn't help me maintain confidence in my own sanity.

[KICKER]

Hi Wombats, sorry again to hear of your recent struggles. I commend you for trying to be the best Dad and husband you can be under extremely difficult circumstances. Self control is not easy in the best of times, let alone when dealing with a spouse who has a challenging illness. Hang in there mate. I don’t know if your a praying man, but I’m certaintly praying for you and your family. It’s very easy for extended family who don’t see how your wife behaves as closely as you do to make some unfair judgements. Hopefully they will learn the truth one day.

Cheers. Kicker

[wombats]

Thanks Kicker,

I'm not a praying man myself, but I appreciate your prayers. Now that I'm maintain my composure, I'm hoping that something will register with my wife that she isn't able to keep her emotions in check. Time will tell, for the moment I'm happy to be back with my family.

[quirkywords]

Wombats,

Thanks for your detailed feedback.

I am not sure you have seen this thread it is quite long but it may interest you and you could read a bit at the start then to more recent posts and see the person’s journey.

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blended family and BPD Wife

I am glad you are back with your family .

I know that stories like yours help others as many more people read posts athan write

posts so you sharing honestly will help others not to feel so alone.

Quirky

[wombats]

Hi quirkywords

Not so sure if it was detailed feedback or me venting!

Thank you for giving me the heads up about the Far Side's posts - I can see many parallels/similarities and it is reassuring that I'm not alone. I'm also on the sane forums, and between here and there I'm actually fairly astounded about the support that is out there.

I'm glad to be back with my family but it is very hard work at the moment. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but the resistance I am up against has amazed me for the last six months and continues to do so. Two centre issues going on - a) I haven't backed down about the past six months not being all my fault, and b) my wife doesn't want to go back to her weekend job (she has said this). With me being back, she isn't entitled to centrelink and child support. She is saying that because she wont go back to work, we have to sell the house, as we won't be able to afford the mortgage. I've also been accused of coming home so I can dob her in to centrelink. When the conversation about the last six months comes up, we just butt heads. I have suggested that when we get like that, we should agree to drop the subject for the time and try again later, or at marriage counselling. I then get told that I'm trying to silence her. Last Thursday she told me that our marriage counsellor had told her I was "mental". When this came up next I suggested we talk about it at marriage counselling - her reply was that she won't be going to marriage counselling anymore. When I refused to bite (and said this is what we need to talk about at marriage counselling) over the weekend, she lost it at me. Our eldest started telling her to stop talking to me and that she wasn't being nice to me. I took the kids outside to play cricket, and was screamed at through a window. Five minutes later I was asked to come closer to the house so she didn't have to shout (my fault), and was accused of coming home to make her angry so she looked bad in front of the kids.

Right now I'm tired, and my next hope in having something resolved is gone with the counselling refusal. I came home with the hope that if I kept my cool, she may realise that her behaviour was unchecked but that doesn't seem likely (but its only been a week). I'm hanging on for the woman I married to come back, but (as with the last six months) every time a glimmer of hope appears and gets closer, it gets stomped on.

[wombats]

Hello everyone out there

Could I ask for any stories of success? Either from a carer or a cared for person?

Or if you know of someone else's story?

By success I mean some form of relatively normal functioning and communication between two adults, most of the time

Ta

[wombats]

Hi folks

I've been back with my family for nearly 3 weeks now. I'm trying to work things out with my wife. I'm struggling because she won't let go of anything that has gone on. Unless I accept complete responsibility or agree with her, it ends in her getting angry. I'm managing to (mostly) keep calm enough that it doesn't escalate too much. I'm exhausted of defending myself and her relentlessness whenever we try to discuss something. I'm two steps away from throwing in the marriage, I've had enough and don't see her changing at all. Does anyone have any advice/experiences with this kind of situation?

Thanks