Hard to not take it to heart

[Angel82]

I've been with my partner for 10 months now he suffers from depression and anxiety unmanaged, also I think has a bit of PTSD from his past relationships where he was treated very badly. he is very guarded and finds it hard to trust me and thinks very little of his self worth. I was in a relationship prior to meeting him for 20 years and I suffer depression as well but am well balanced on my current long term medication so I know what it feels like to go through the spiral of depression what I'm not experienced in is being on the other end of it.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Angel82,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

Perhaps you could check out this link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-others/when-someone-you-care-about-wont-seek-support

and maybe find some useful tips in how to help support him through this challenging time. I know it can be so frustrating when trying to help and support someone who doesn't seem to want the help, or think that they need it. Perhaps part of that frustration too is that it can take some time .... and yet we lice in such an 'instant' society that we want, even expect, things to happen quickly.

Anyway, I hope that helps a little. Just take it little by little and remember that we are here for you anytime you want to post about what's going on for you and your partner.

Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[Croix]

Dear Angel82~

Welcome here to the Forum, you have a difficult road on two counts, you have depression yourself, even if well managed, and you are trying to be wiht some else that has it too -BUT un-managed

I'm sure you can remember what it was like when things were bad for you. The desire to withdraw, partly based on exhaustion, partly on the mind being so busy with the darkest of thoughts htere is no room for interacting with anyone, not even the most loved. Being isolated from oneself, not knowing if one loves someone, or even if one is capable of love -plus self blame and guilt

You reached the stage, thanks to medical support, where such things are well controlled. He sadly has not

Looking at what happened to me I know the only way I got better -and I am better now - is though medication and therapy -plus family support. You can supply the family support, but not the first two

May I ask about him? Does he have any particular reason for not seeking medical help?

So can I suggest the very best thing you can do for your partner is persuade him to get that medical support? This may not be easy, he may not recognize he has anything wrong with him or may have other reasons . It may be worth considering that another - such as a parent, sibling or freind - might be in a better position to convince him. Do you think this is possible?

Trying to deal with lack of trust and always facing someone who appears guarded against you is hard. Even when you know all the things I've listed above it is very difficult not to see it as a lack of a close relationship, or even that one is failing in some way

I guess when my wife was faced wiht this she had the support of her mum, not only in practical terms around the house and family, but to supply both care and perspective, to point out to my wife she was not failing or doing anything wrong. It made a huge difference for her. Do you have anyone like that?

PTSD is another matter, it is another condition I have, and it too needs the proper treatment, and in the meantime trust is hard. I do not know if your partner has this, or just the natural reaction to a toxic past relationship, however again outside help is needed

Please look after yourself, with support from those that care, and a medical eye on your depression. Do things for you -things you enjoy and take your mind away from the everyday pressures and problems.You have to be well yourself to help another

I hope you come back and talk more

Croix

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A long enough list.

[Angel82]

I am a nurse so I am overly helpful and sympathetic by nature and feel the strong need to help when someone is struggling. problem is he doesn't want it. I feel so hopeless and helpless majority of the time and am trying my best to be patient and listen to his needs but he doesn't want my suggestions of help he has an excuse for every one of them how it won't work and I get that that is part of the depression and I love him deeply so I want to try my best to be there for him but I feel myself being pulled into the spiral again with him. I do take things to heart when he is distant or not affectionate or brushes off my affection and I ask if I have done something to upset him which he gets upset by cause he says it's his depression and he hates that I think that way cause he doesn't want to hurt me. It's been 4 months since we have been intimate I understand he is not in the best headspace which is why I'm not going to pressure him but I constantly feel very selfish thinking what about my needs what about what I want and I hate that I'm thinking that way cause it's not normally me. He says I'm the only thing that keeps him going and he doesn't know what he would do without me but he has separated his life before me and his life with me like he is living in another dimension. He can't get motivated to finish his renovations so he is paying a mortgage on a house he can't live in he works a casual job that he enjoys but works 11 days a fortnight only to pay a mortgage and child support for a son he sees one weekend a fortnight and has debt collectors chasing him every week . He won't ask for or accept help from me or his family so he is stuck in this vicious circle. Our communication is good we don't yell or have massive arguments we are both pretty passive in that way which is a massive difference from both our previous partners. I am looking for advice not a solution as I know depression doesn't go away but can be successfully managed as I am living everyday productively with mine. I just wish the same for him.

[Croix]

Dear Angel82~

you said

I constantly feel very selfish thinking what about my needs what about
what I want and I hate that I'm thinking that way cause it's not
normally me

Um, you are not an inexhaustible well of care, compassion, or even energy. Your needs are probably the most imortant thing at the moment.

Look at it this way: On every passenger airliner there is a notice:

Put oxygen mask on self before helping others

You need care, affection, acknowledgment, intimacy and closeness. Without those in time what do you think will happen? Burnout? Resentment? Anger? Lack of self esteem? Increased depression?

So your BF really does have to see you, and care about you or himself enough to try for therapy. As I said before how that is accomplished you would have a better idea than most.

If things stay the same maybe you need to step back and look the the relationship and what it is doing to you. Well manged depression is a very precious thing -as I know - and should not be sacrificed.

I'm not trying to be discouraging, your BF is lucky to have you, but it does all hinge on him at least trying to get better.

Croix

[Angel82]

I know how much support is needed to get through to the other side I know I need to be patient I have tried the soft approach with no luck and I'm afraid the hard approach might make him run

[Croix]

Dear Angel82~

I wish I had the answer for you, a hard approach is indeed a risk, particularly trying on your own. Perhaps his family might be more active? I know you said he did not seek help from them, however that is not quite the same thing.

Sometimes children can be a motivator if matters are presented in the correct light, again perhaps if he felt he was doing something for his son that might be enough to make a start?

I'm guessing, it's true.

Croix