How to help and support my 20y old son through deep social anxiety, self-hatred and depression

valanne · ‎25-02-2018

Hi, my son, aged 20, has been suffering from social anxiety and depression for over 2 years, probably a lot longer in a not-so-obvious way. Since finishing his HSC he has cut himself off from all his friends, dropped out of uni 3 weeks into a course, and has been increasingly living a reclusive life eve since. After working night shifts at McDonald's so he could sleep during the day, hide or justify his antisocial behaviours, most of last year, and going to leave in a remote country town by himself with the hope and good will to 'sort himself out' and understand his existential and identity crisis and overcome his depression, he came back home last September, to my relief, and was very welcome back by both his father and myself ( we have been separated fo a few years). After spending a month or so with his father and trying to discuss and unravel with him the roots of his deep malaise and antisocial behaviours, as well as the effects of his father's over protective and controlling parenting over his development and mental health, which ended up in one too many arguments, he has been living with me since October, and had cut off all communication with his father. Small talks with me on how he feels and why keep him going as I am the only person he ever talks to... though this is on the decline as he increasingly shuts his bedroom door when I gently try to challenge his thoughts or ask what the next steps and future plans may be . He hardly goes out, spends all day in his bedroom, and has been refusing categorically and fiercely to seek (professional) help in any form - whether counselling, mentorship, therapy, group meetings, online forums (despite one brief participation in your forums last year) etc... I was hoping for the best when he accepted to see our GP in December to try antidepressants, which he did for a couple of months but stopped recently as he believes they had no effect whatsoever, confirming his belief in the uselessness of seeking help... As his mother, it has become increasingly hard for me to cope, to know what to do and say, given his fragile state of being and the barricades he has built to protect himself from any trespassing... he is very unwell, and I feel I need help and advice! I should also mention that he has taken great interest in the ideas and work of Canadian Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson... me too... but he is going nowhere beyond understanding what's wrong with him... weak, too agreeable... HELP please !

Croix · ‎25-02-2018

Dear Valanne~
You are in a horrible worrying situation and it really is hard know what to do. While you wish with all your heart for your son to get better it looks like you have no avenues open to you.

Before talking about your son I'd like to take a moment to talk about you. This is a highly stressful situation and I'm wondering what sort of support you have? A parent, partner or friend who you can talk unreservedly with and who can provide care and perspective is a great thing. Then again being in touch with your doctor would be a sensible thing too. There you can have your health monitored and may even receive productive advice

Talking to his doctor might be helpful too, please excuse me if you have already done these things.

For your son I guess the first thing is to say the two things you are aware of already. If you ever think he is immediate danger you call emergency services (000 or CAT or whatever your doctor advises). I know there may be the problem afterwards of seemingly broken trust, however it is the only thing you can do.

The second is that competent professional help really is needed. it is just you are unable to make him see that. I'm sure you have tried every way you can think of to persuade him, unfortunately without success. I guess in the process you will have used up all your 'cred' with him and he may be resisting either on principal or simply discounting anything you say in that area. In fact he may find it annoying.

Is there anyone in his life that he has respected or might take notice of, a relation, teacher or old acquaintance that might better persuade him?

Perhaps you dropping the persuasion for now and not mentioning it might allow you to spend time with him doing things he might enjoy, at least as a companion, not just a mum. Anything from scrabble to swimming. Similarly if there are any remaining friends they might be encouraged to drop around.

Trying to be a companion over time might make him more open to suggestion.

If you want a really long shot (which personally I'd give a try) give the Uni of Toronto a ring and ask Professor Peterson if he would have a quick word. Probably a really silly idea, but parents tend to try everything no matter how far fetched.

If you would like to keep talking here I'd expect other's may have more concrete suggestions.

Croix

valanne · ‎01-03-2018

Many thanks Croix, you did sum up perfectly everything I have been trying to do and still doing ... including playing Scrabble! I have many supportive friends but there is so much they can do. I am going to see a psychologist on the advice of my GP, I need help to find ways to break through to my son or I am going to go down with him. As he has cut off from everyone he knows, refuses to see anyone, even going to the local shops in case he runs into someone he knows and has to engage in some form of conversation is a dreadful thought... there is little I can do to make him connect with the world outside his bedroom... I don't know if I should be tougher with him, as his mum, it is difficult given his unwell state of being, should I ask him to go and work and pay rent if he wants to keep living with me... pay bills... take more responsibilities.... Should I discuss a timeframe within which he needs to do something about seeking professional help if things don't improve... As you say, I am being a companion to him, but any suggestions I may make, no matter how light, go unheard or he runs away into his bedroom. He hates any forms of questions, to the point that I am scared of making things worse, saying the wrong things, asking the wrong questions, and of another year going past without any light. Jordan Peterson is coming to Australia next week.... ! He is inviting me and has bought two tickets... He is going out of the house to see and hear Peterson, mainly to talk about his new book '12 rules for Life - an antidote to chaos' which he has read, and I am trying to get through it in my limited free time. Let's hope this can trigger something positive although he had already contacted Peterson directly in the past but he never listened to his advice of seeing his GP and a psychologist... (apart from trying antidepressants). Perhaps as you suggest I should try to contact Peterson myself... I may have a chance next week, or later .. Anyway, any further advice on how to be, what to say, how far to go, as a mum is very much appreciated , very much needed and comforting! If anyone has had any similar experiences, please share!

Croix · ‎03-03-2018

Dear Valanne~

I can't see that much you are not doing already. It's like so many things in life.

There are a couple of points though that I'd like to emphasize, mind you they are things you probably are well aware of already - so please excuse me if so.

The first is in relation to being tougher. One simply can't judge on normal everyday standards with someone who has a mental illness. A self-absorbed and lazy teenager may well merit a wake-up call about contributions to the household and personal development via employment. For someone who has great difficulty exiting his secure room I'd be most hesitant.

While I understand your motives if you went that way it is so similar an action to what many parents do I think it might be open to being misunderstood and create a greater feeling of isolation for our son. I guess you are the best judge. As for time-frames, they are fine if they work, otherwise what do you do when time is up and nothing had changed?

Maybe you can get him to help more, if you can't do a physical/mental task easily maybe he can help. He would be able to see it was not just 'treatment'. Sell him on the idea of female frailty:)

If there are any decisions you can let him make that might be an idea, say what should be for tea, (and associated grocery list). Anything you can think of where you can defer to his judgment (obviously not on treatment) which will do little harm but may boost his esteem.

The other thing is that no one person by themself can do everything for another permanently, keep them alive, make them well, not even make them happy. It has to be a joint effort, and you are shouldering your part, his part, and a medical teams part - all by yourself. You are doing an imaginative, loving fantastic job, and really your son is incredibly lucky to have a mum like you.

I'm very glad to hear you are seeing a GP, and now a psychologist. Hopefully they will also say your burden is a huge one, and prevent the chance of you descending into feelings of failure and self blame (totally unwarranted of course).

So what are you doing for you? There must have been things you have done in the past for your own personal enjoyment, are you doing them now? I've found enjoyment and distraction from hard circumstances is essential. The distraction provides a moment's relief and the rewarding of self had a positive psychological impact. It's not being selfish or frivolous, it's being realistic (it also helps perspective).

Croix

valanne · ‎14-03-2018

Thank you Croix. I am looking after myself as best as I can, friends, distractions, movies, books, yet my thoughts always come back to my son. It is good indeed to get some support from a psychologist, yet very hard to know what to do... I feel he is getting worse by the day and I feel totally powerless and hopeless, scared of asking the wrong questions, of setting boundaries, of making it worse... I've got to find little steps he will accept to take, but without any goals, even very small, it is impossible. He happily does a bit of cooking and gardening but that's about it. He doesn't want me to ask him anything personal, or he runs away into his bedroom. When I ask him what it is I can do to help and support him, he gets angry, just 'being there' and 'being a role model' is what he needs he says... what does being a role model means when one can't do or say anything... what kind of role model is that... and the worse part now is that he is taking his anger out on his younger brother, the only person he seemed to care about, had fun with... now I've got to protect his 12 year old brother ... tough times.

Croix · ‎15-03-2018

Dear Valanne~

I guess being a role model is more about a question of being you than doing anything in particular.

Having a person who is loving, has common sense, deals with things and generally stands for normality - a trusted figure - is a huge tower in a dark landscape. I found this with my wife, who was all that and more.

While it might be sensible to ask how to help it does not mean your son knows the answer -any more than I did.

You mentioned barriers. I would think they come in different sorts. Barriers to protect yourself, to try to protect your older son, and those to protect your 12 year old. I do not know for sure of course but suspect those to protect is younger brother might be more understandable and acceptable to your older boy. I'd think part of being a role model is to demonstrate how to protect both your older son and others.

Perhaps I'm off track - what do you think?

Doing some cooking and gardening is great, encouragement (or reliance) on him doing more seems an obvious avenue to take. While it may not seem directly related to your son becoming less depressed, it may be a more effective way than encouraging talk.

I have the feeling you are doing a pretty good job. It is not one where progress is immediately visible, but I'm sure is there anyway. Please do not get discouraged, many things in life require us to simply persevere

Croix

PeonyRose · ‎08-05-2018

Valanne

I have just joined BB today to ask for help on the forums and as I read your post ... I could have typed it myself.

I too am facing the EXACT same situation with my 20 year old son .. which also started after VCE ended. Every word you wrote above is happening daily in my household .. even down to the point of him now hardly speaking to his father (who lives elsewhere).

My son will not leave the house, has no friends and will not help out around the house at all. Initially he asked for help but after a few visits decided they couldn't help him and has refused to see anyone else since then. We have not tried medication as he also refuses that in any way.

I have tried to get him work via friends, co-workers, ex-co-workers, family .. but every single time he said yes at first and when it came down to it .. he wouldn't go. We had a family meeting and tried to get him to see that he either needs to get a job, go back to some sort of education or if he can't then he needs to seek help from professionals and he agreed at the time, but when it came down to it .. refused to go. Open days, physiologist appointments, jobs lined up for helping out etc ... all let down. Even when his father or I take time off work to attend with him .. he refuses.

I am at the point now that I do not know where to go for help as I feel I have exhausted everyone i know for ideas or help. I feel like I am totally alone and try not to talk about him with anyone anymore . I wont give up but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

Recently he has taken to being very rude to me (in a childish way) .. like rude gestures and when I ask him why does he do that to me .. he says because he hates me ! My heart just breaks daily. I can see him going deeper and deeper into this rut or whatever I can call it ? I need to do something but dont know what.

valanne · ‎11-05-2018

Hi Peony Rose

Thank you for responding to my post and sharing your own story, it does help a lot not to feel alone... It is very difficult as a mum to try help one's adult son when they shut the door and resent you more and more if you try to get close to them... It has been over two years for me and my son is increasingly isolating himself while trying to get better by himself, refusing any form of help... and going nowhere... I have been seeing a psychologist so I can get a little bit of support and advice on how to cope and support my son... It has been helpful as I understand better his deep social anxiety and depression, yet there is very little I can do until he accepts to seek help. However I am learning to step back, trying to engage him in 'general' conversations rather than personal ones which make him run away, and I am slowly and gradually asking him to contribute to more and more bills and living expenses as he is living full time with me (I am separated from his father), to take responsibility for his actions, or inactions! soon he will have to find a job and face his fears... only exposure to his fears can help him face his demons, and learn to cope with his suffering and change his mindset .... There are also some ('self-help') books that can be useful if your son is happy to read - mine is not, well, anything I suggest is rejected, and there is no one else around who can reach out to him... I would be more than happy to continue this conversation with you if you feel it could be useful. Take care of yourself too!

Soulmumma · ‎13-05-2018

I too am in this exact situation except our boy is 15. Its easily the hardest most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to endure! I feel like I'm losing my beautiful boy to his demons and i am failing in my job as a mum....we are supposed to protect them, even from themselves. I'm failing at this miserably 😟 I've never been so scared in my life and i feel we have no direction moving forward. How can i help him if I don't know how?? I also found out this week a friend of mine took his own life at 27 yrs old. I'm gutted and now more scared for my boy 😭

You are not alone in this, I know the pain your heart feels as mine feels it too xx good luck to you and Valerie and each of your boys. Sorry i have no answers for you xx

PeonyRose · ‎14-05-2018

Thank you Valanne for responding. When I came here to seek help and read your post I nearly couldn't believe it. Someone else going through the exact same situation. It is so hard as they are adults and you really have no way to make them listen anymore. It has been over 2 years for me too now since it started and definitely getting worse all the time. Yesterday "mother's day" ... my son didn't even talk to me. I had visitors and family over for a get together for see a friend traveling back to USA, and he literally didn't speak a nice word to me the whole day. I always wonder to myself that one day ... when he is better, will he look back and think to himself what an awful person he has been to me ? Will he ever see things differently.

I have a daughter too (who is a year older and doesn't stay at home a lot of the week as her boyfriends house is closer to her work). She had some difficulties when she was between 14 - 18 or so, but has come around and has achieved so much in her life so far .. is so determined and full of get up and go, that I could not be more proud of her. I raised them both alone - just the three of us always. I just dont know what has happened to him.

It started with anxiety of not wanting to go out with his friends to clubs or out at night .. to not seeing ANY of his friends and staying home ALONE all the time, and barely leaving the house.

I can tell he is frustrated with himself and bored as he gets quite angry at times, but he is not willing to accept any help at all or do anything to help himself. I have given him MANY books on self help as has my sister etc, but I don't think he reads them ... or at least he wont admit to reading them .. BUT he is very obsessed with those motivated people on YouTube etc -- watches them and even preaches to me about it but seems to not take action himself. He is a health food and organic foods fanatic .. that is the ONLY thing that seems to get him talking - occasionally. I have tried to get him to open days at Swinburne etc to look at nutritional courses .. but he won't go. Says he will ... but never goes.