How to cope with daughter’s self harm

[Rami]

Hi all, I’m a newbie and have never posted on a forum before but have been dealing with my daughter’s anxiety, depression and self harm for 3 years and it’s wearing me down. She is on medication, regularly sees a psychiatrist and is seeing a psychologist too (third one we have tried) . There have been some improvements but she is still self harming (cutting) and that is what is so hard for me to deal with, especially when I see what she has done to herself or she shows me. It’s so hard for me to control my emotions and devastation when I hear she has self harmed. The dr’s have told me I need to expect it’s going to happen and to keep calm and not overreact as that will make her feel guilty but it’s so incredibly hard for me to keep my cool. I desperately want her to be better and would appreciate any advice .

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Sorry to hear what you are going through with your daughter. I think your reactions would be normal for any parent. Wanting to be normal, whatever that is, is something I want for myself as well.

There are resources on the beyond blue website for carers. And there are alternatives which I am sure you would be aware of.

I guess, from the other side, these things take time. Unfortunately. For me I have to think about how far I have come rather than how far to go still because I don't know.

Can I ask if your daughter speaks to you much about what she is going through. Just allowing the other to talk can be helpful.

Kind regards,

Tim

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rami,

Welcome and thank you for being here and sharing what's going on with your daughter. I'm really glad that you decided to post and I commend you on both reaching out and caring so much for your daughter. Often in situations like these, people (especially parents) want to turn their heads and look the other way - so finding ways to cope and understand is so important.

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is getting some help, even though it sounds like it's been a long haul. Like Tim/Smallwolf said, things do take time and that can be really hard.

You mentioned in your post that it's been hard to control your emotions; how have you been coping so far? What are the things you do to try and manage?

You also said that your GP said to expect this is going to happen. Have they been helpful in talking to you or giving you information/support/advice?

I know that I'm asking a few questions here! But I just think ways to cope or advice can be so unique to each person, and I don't really want to repeat what you've already been told over the years.

RT

[Rami]

Thanks for your reply, I will have a look into what is available for careers and yes she has started talking to me a little bit more about what she is going through. She is the type to bottle up her emotions, whereas I want her to talk about how she’s feeling . I think her psychologist is giving her techniques on how to communicate better with me about how she is doing, but it’s going to be a slow process I guess.

[Rami]

Thanks for you reply RT, it’s interesting you asking me how I’ve been coping so far as I don’t think I’ve been asked or ever thought to ask myself that question before...I suppose I’m muddling my way through and to be honest I don’t think I am coping some of the time. Talking to my sisters helps me a little since a lot of people don’t know what’s going on and so it’s nice to have a couple of people I can vent to. I also find having a good cry on my own helps me a bit too, but don’t know if that’s counter productive...I could probably use more advice on ways to come to terms with her condition since it may be a long journey .

Many thanks to all the helpful people out there on beyondblue

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rami,

It's good to hear back from you and I'm glad to hear that in your reply to Tim your daughter has been opening up a little more.

Muddling your way through is okay; it's good to be able to talk to your sisters and people to vent to and it's also good to have a cry. Crying can just be a healthy emotional release; totally normal and healthy way of coping. There's this idea with coping that we have internal and external - with internal being around our thoughts/feelings and external being around talking to people or getting some support. I think we need a bit of both.

I think one of the important things to know about self-harm is that it is really common (especially in young people) and even though it can be terrifying, it's a person's way of coping. As your daughter finds and learns (and practices) better ways of coping, the self-harm tends to reduce.

If you're interested in resources, there's a couple I think are really useful:

http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/resources.html - If you scroll a bit you'll see some info for parents, and there's topics like understanding self-harm, things you can do, being able to communicate with your daughter and self-care. The self-care especially 🙂

If you are a reader, I'd also recommend 'Self Harm: Why Teenagers do it and what parents can do to help' by Michelle Mitchell. I'm not sure how old your daughter is but I really think that there's some good advice in there for any age.

RT