How much do I share with my depressed ex?

[OneReasonToSmile]

My partner and I recently separated after almost 2 years together. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and I knew this from the start, however I'm still learning about the illness.

We separated because we both need time to work on ourselves, without the 'burden' of taking care of each other. I think we both had ideas and expectations of what a partner should do, for example take care of the other and think of the other's feelings etc but it was actually becoming a real burden and created guilt and shame for our failings to fit the role. We both needed to be selfish and take care of ourselves first before we could continue in our relationship. 

Despite our separation, we still talk almost daily via messaging. We agreed that we still wanted to be part of each other's lives and I always tell him to let me know if he needs space.

He's actually started messaging me first and asking about my day, which is unbelievably touching!! I see it as a sign that he's getting better because he's starting to see beyond his depression, which is great. I know he's still struggling but he's making lots of progress. 

My question is, and I'm hoping you can share some insight on this, how much should I share with him? I am absolutely thrilled to see him improving but at the same time I'm struggling myself. I miss him dearly and want to get back together but I know he can't handle a relationship right now so I'm not going to ask. Do I let him know how I feel? The last thing I want is to put pressure on him, and even if I'm not asking, is telling him going to make him feel pressured?

I've also been having a rough time lately as I run my own business and a problem client is causing me financial and emotional stress. Its been tough and I don't know how to answer him when he asks how my day was when sometimes, its been miserable.

How much do I share with him? I don't want to add more to his depression, I don't want him to feel guilty as he might see it as his failure to be there for me through this (he's an amazing guy and completely selfless so I'm scared this is how he'll think) but at the same time, he's someone who's opinion means a lot to me and when he asks me how I am, I want to be honest with him as I would expect him to be with me. The depression complicates things because I'm not sure if I'm being unfair to him by unloading my baggage when he's got so much to deal with already.

I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer please!

[white knight]

Hi ORTS, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

People such as your partner that are "fickle" and sensitive due to their illness issues need as much tact as you can give. On the same token couples should feel free to share their lives and that includes daily difficulties and hurdles jumped. So you need to be in between. If the latter isn't shared at all in fear of placing stress upon him then you wont be fulfilled as a partner. If it is shared excessively then you'll face other problems. My wife and I have almost perfected this balance as we both have depression issues and I have bipolar type 2 and dysthymia.

These are some of the ideas we have come up with -

- Be honest and open at all times. This avoids the other partner feeling there are things being concealed. It will also give you piece of mind that you aren't holding back an worried you'll slip some information out one day he knows nothing about. Avoidance of clashes from this secretive culture.

- Openness about your mental status. Daily we ask how are you? Did you sleep ok? etc. General caring. This allow the other person to adjust their care of you or him. If I answer my wife "not having a good day" which occurs around once every two weeks, then she knows I need her patience and tolerance more than other days. This has avoided sparks in my mood. This care from her towards the end of the day results in a lot of gratitude from me. We actually get closer because of her commitment to me. Whereas a few years ago we'd drift away and argue.

- Tact. You can still limit the level of information passed on. I call these "ticklers". eg "I had a tough day, that guy with the bad debt is giving me the runaround....but don't worry about that you probably aren't in the mood to talk about that". This gives him the option of knowing if he is capable of a long conversation about it. If that conversation commences ok it doesn't mean he could maintain the subject for its intended length. Half way through he could hint to you "ok, sorry I can be of more help" or a physical sign like rubbing his forehead"...prepare to stop straight away. Give him a hug of thanks for listening up to then.

Reassurance, praise for effort, questioning his mood/well being, and so on, all positive attitudes will save the day.  You can also attend counselling to hone some more skills. My view is that your relationship has a better chance of success being together. Take care.

Tony WK