How do you tell its depression or the relationship is just over?

[Racket]

Hi all, I'm in need of advice. 

Ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. The last 6 months has been especially tough. 

Hes amazing, caring, selfless and I absolutely adore him.  When things are good it's amazing. But as with most relationship we have issues. 

When we met he was really into the gym, ate well didn't really drink and now all of the opposite. He has very a very low opinion of himself no matter how much I tell him how great he actually is. 

We haven't had sex in 9 months, however he is still very affectionate and tells me he loves me often. 

More recently he's become very moody and angry. He's told me everything is hard and he's so unhappy and he feels depressed. 

The big problem is he's also decided he dosnt want children. He says life is hard enough and kids are a burden.  I think it's the depression but can't be sure. I'm 33 and he's 37 so I can't sit around for another year waiting for him to get help. 

Its so hard, I'm a positive person and love life! But recently his darkness is having an effect on me. He knows this and can tell I'm unhappy. So why dosnt he seek help if he can see he's hurting who he loves? 

My head says leave the relationship is just over but my heart says stay and help him through this. 

[pipsy]

Racket, hi my name is Pipsy.  Sorry to say this but I think you know deep down what the answer is.  You both want different things.  From what you say I wonder if you've been talking 'children' and he's simply got 'cold feet'.  If you decide to stay and he tells you to go, are you going to or are you going to ignore his request.  It sounds very much like a 'catch 22' situation.  Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and doesn't know how to tell you he doesn't want what you want.  When you met, he may have been going through a time of figuring out what he wanted.  It's possible the gym was just a way to meet someone.  He took care of himself (which is good), perhaps he got bored and decided to revert to former ways.  Whatever the reason, I think you're going to have to accept the relationship may have 'run it's course'.  I know how hard it is for you, you've invested time into this and you feel you're being tossed aside, don't wait till he tells you to go.  Suggest a 'cooling off' and see what he says.  In the meantime, try and fill your life with other interests.  He doesn't want children, you do, this can really frighten men.

Pipsy.

[Pixie15]

Hi Racket,

Two years is not really that long to be in a relationship. However if you really want children and your boyfriend doesn't you might want to consider if he is the right person for you. This does not mean that you do not love each other. Romantic love is great but it is not what holds relationships together over time. Even if your boyfriend agrees to having children when he is not depressed if he suffers from the depression again he could change his mind. Where would that leave you? I do not think it is selfish to leave. 

cheers,

Pixie.

[geoff]

dear Racket, hi and welcome.

I  can only agree with Pipsy and Pixie, 'it may have run it's course', and as your head tells you to leave, then that's the decision which is guiding you to reality.

It's good of you to want to help him, but firstly you don't know how long before he seeks help and how long before he responds, but in the meantime you are being drawn into a cycle of sadness and losing your enjoyment of life and being positive.

As Pipsy says 'don't wait until he tells you to go', and we are never sure whether or not this is his motive. L Geoff. x