How do know if she needs support for depression or if I should just move on?

[Qball101]

I've been in a relationship with someone for 3 years. When we met she was unhappily married to someone who is emotionally abusive. She is now in the final stages of her separation and he will move out soon. She has two young children. I know she's struggled with her mental health and confided in me that she had an episode of bulimia.

Throughout her separation she said that I have been the one thing that's kept her sane. Above all else, I've just wanted to help her be the happy person all the time she is with me. She's been struggling with her feelings because of her children and recently I've felt her start to push me away. Initially, I thought little of it, she was going through a tough time with much on her mind. Then I started to feel her distance more when together, like she didn't want to be cuddled. We talked and she said she needed space, she broke down and wept and I said I would always be her friend and support her whatever.

Last week she was sending messages saying I was her best friend, how she loved me, couldn't imagine a life without me, was everything she wanted in a partner, but just needed to feel right about it all etc. This really messed with my head and my mental health has been deteriorating anyway (I'm suffering from insomnia, can't eat and am seeing a counselor). Out of fear of losing her I gave her an ultimatum. She phoned me and was hysterical, she started talking about suicidal thoughts. I immediately realised what I'd done and felt so bad about it, but sometimes sorry just doesn't convey what the other person needs.

We've not talked much since. She has sent me a couple of messages hoping I'm okay and saying she needs space from any extra stress. I've tried to be supportive by stepping back. Last night she sent me a message hoping I was okay but saying it wasn't just me, she now didn't know who she was anymore. I replied saying that she could take as much time and space as she needed and I would be here for her as a friend when she needed me. Today there's been nothing. I am worried but know she is speaking to a counselor.

I want to support her but it's so hard, we were so close. I feel I should reach out to her in a few days if I've heard nothing to say I care and am thinking of her but is this invading her space? If it's depression, then I want to help and will swim upstream through rivers of treacle for her. If she just doesn't love me anymore I need to try and move on for my own sanity. How do I work out which it is?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well you've been handling the awkward situation for some time now and holding it all together. What has caused this change in her? I have a couple of theories.

• She is about to separate from her husband after a long time. Regardless of the abuse, it would still be traumatic.
• That going from one relationship to another doesnt give her any breathing space to rediscover herself.

Both are not your fault in fact, you have shown open patience but withheld frustration.

My view is, if she sees a future with you she will come when she is ready. Give her that time. You've reassured her and thats good. If she messages you again, short supportive words is enough.

In the meantime find distraction like hobby, friends, sports, put her on hold while she finds herself.

It's tough, love has its hurdles. I think you are doing fine.

TonyWK

[Qball101]

Thanks Tony. I think your theories are probably right. It just seems like such a short time ago we were so very close and really only days since she was expressing such strong feelings for me. My instinct tells me that she cares for me a lot but is confused whether those feelings are genuine or whether I was the exit door from her marriage. It's just really hard to cope with when things move at this pace, I'm only human and I cracked at what was a vital moment for her. I feel so disappointed in myself for that.

Her husband has been openly seeing other women recently and I said it's okay to feel upset about that but she said she prefers it that way. Still, I think it must have some sort of an affect on a person to see your husband leave with an overnight bag knowing he's going to meet another woman even if you can't wait to see the back of him.

As hard as it is, I want to give her the time she needs to rediscover herself so to hear you say that helps me feel better about trying to let her go even though it is not easy. In the meantime I will try and move on with my own life and focus on my work and reconnecting with old friends who I have neglected.

However, as we will need to see each other in relation to a project we are working on together from time to time (next time in about a week) that is going to be tough. I offered to step away from it earlier in the week to make it easier for her (and me) but she told me not to be silly and she wanted me to be there (in a professional capacity of course).

I'm not sure how I'm going to be as someone mentioned her name while I was half-way through a presentation last week and I nearly burst out crying. Obviously, I want to be the best version of myself so she doesn't go away and start worrying about me (and so I don't look stupid). Any pointers or advice on how to block out the emotions for an hour and be my normal self with her would be much appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi Qb

Yeh, those details shead a different slant on it.

I have no ideas on putting thoughts behind you except distraction. Even reading social media prior to that hour would help.

I think if you feel strongly enough conveying how yoir action has been your lifes biggest regret isnt a bad thing. It will help your recovery but it will always be something she will cherish. I dont see that as justification for her husband to go after you.

You are rational and reasonable but even with those qualities we should remember that we all have non perfect lives.

THE SKELETON

They point the finger they do

Expose your skeleton in your wardrobe

Then don their smartest suit

Covering their own skeleton they walk around with

-all the damn time.

TonyWK

(Guilt like worry is non productive)

[Nick_E]

Hi there, I am sorry to hear about your relationship problems.

I wanted to just say that I find short 10-minute mindfulness meditations help me focus and calm a racing mind. I usually have an intention along the lines of,

"This morning I am whole, calm, capable and confident"; "I will be focused on my presentation"; etc.

And, then you need to think about your reaction to your close friend - how can you diffuse the emotion and remain professional for this short period? Is allowing yourself to send a text message after the project meeting a way to help yourself stay focused and get through that one hour?

You've shown such compassion by supporting your friend I wish you all the best moving forward.

[Qball101]

Thank you Nick and Tony. I think maybe looking at some meditation techniques could be helpful to remain calm during short periods of working together so I am going to look into that.

Unexpectedly, last night I got another message from her asking me about my week. The exchange was all very superficial initially but then she said she was so sorry for not being there for me and I got to tell her how sorry I was for freaking out. We shared a couple of hours of conversation over messaging and it was really nice to reconnect with her but she's obviously in a really tough place and just has no emotional strength left. I found it difficult because when you care for someone like that, you just want to do all you can to try and help them with their pain, but of course I need to maintain some distance at the moment for her sake if not my own.

However, to know that someone is falling to pieces every time they are alone is tough to walk away from so I'll probably try and drop her a supportive message at a time when I know she's likely to be alone if I don't hear from her in the next couple of days. Anyway, seems our friendship is on the mend even if our relationship isn't. If I've learned anything from the last week it's that whatever bond exists between us, romantic or platonic, while it can be submerged by the emotional pain caused by the other things in our lives, it seems to want to bob back to the surface eventually and that's a reason for me to be happy.