How do I help him?

[Guest_18368109]

Hi there

I'm currently on an emotional roller coaster with my ex-husband. He and I have been separated for a long time. We have two children and have co-parented them since our separation and consequential divorce. He is in his second low point for the year. I am trying to be supportive as he leans on me a lot.

I consistently change my schedule to help make things easier for him, but then I get angry when he "checks out" and leaves me with all the responsibility. He is not seeking professional help at the moment, which also upsets me. He is not doing anything differently to help himself. He and his family seem to think all he needs to do is talk about it. I'm not a professional, so I don't know if this is true. 

He is a good person going through a hard time. I just want him to get better.

How do I help him to see that he needs professional help? We've been to doctor's and he has seen (and been discharged from) a psychologist. Should I be saying yes every time he needs my help? 

Thanks in advance.

[Janey_beyond]

Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this difficult time with your husband. You’re doing an amazing job at trying to support him whilst juggling everything else. You mention he and his family just think ‘all he needs to do is talk about it’, so I am curious why he wouldn’t want to take the opportunity to talk to a professional? I understand he has seen one previously - did he not have a good experience?

In my opinion, I think it’s important to be there for him, as it sounds he needs the support, but I wouldn’t encourage to drop everything for him. 
I wish I knew more about why he wouldn’t want to seek professional help. I get that it’s not for everyone, but trying is the best he can do. It can open opportunities for medication, self regulation tools and a space to talk about whatever. 
I hope everything goes well.

[therising]

You sound like such a good person who is trying to hard to manage an incredibly challenging situation. Many ex spouses would simply say 'Not my problem'. For you to go above and beyond says so much about you.

As a gal who's managed ins and outs of depression for a few decades, I'd have to say (based on my own experience) that a major key to managing comes down to being able to make greater sense of what the depression's about. Finding a brilliant guide who can lead us to a greater sense of self understanding, while also shedding light on the way forward, is so incredibly important. I've found the thing about depression involves there being so many different types of support. We can have someone who supports us in finding greater clarity and the way forward, someone who supports us with taking responsibility when we just don't have the ability to respond (for a number of reasons), someone who supports us through gaining energy in relatable ways so we're not left feeling like a flat battery, someone who supports us in ways of bringing us occasional joy and even laughter, someone who supports us in becoming more tuned into our feelings and the list goes on. There can be a whole team, collection or circle of people. Perhaps the questions might be 'Who's missing from your ex husband's team?' and 'What does that team need to look like, for him specifically?'. A good team is going to be working in your favour too. If you've proven yourself to be the most reliable person he has in his life, it makes sense that he's come to rely on you so heavily. If he can come to rely on others, it becomes shared responsibility, which gives you more breathing space and time to yourself.

If we're someone who thrives on a sense of structure, it can definitely be hard to thrive when having to restructure on an almost daily basis in order to serve another. I'm wondering whether you can feel the lack of structure/amount of chaos. Do you think it might help to set a solid structure for your ex to work with? Kind of like 'I can't help you at this time or that time because I'm not available then. If you call me at these times, I'm free'. Could also involve adding 'We need to set up a number of people for you to rely on, not just me. This way you're not waiting for me to be free to help. Developing ways where you can rely on yourself is also important'. I know, easier said than done. If we're a deeply feeling person, we're going to feel someone's needs and desperation and that can be hard to dismiss.

For someone who cares so deeply, there can be a tipping point. When caring too much becomes overwhelming, time consuming, stressful and even depressing in some cases, bringing a sense of balance back into play can be a major challenge for someone so caring.

You're an amazing person. He's blessed to have you as a friend.