How do I get my husband to seek help?

[Sonia]

Hi, I'm new to this website and forum but I felt i had to find somewhere to turn for advice. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and married for 3.5 of those years. The first few years of our relationship were great. Fairly soon after we were married, my husband changed. He hasn't had a steady job for the last 3.5years and any job he has held has been because a family friend has offered it to him. He hasn't been working for almost a year now. I have asked him to find work as I need his support financially, he tells me he is looking for work but I know he lies to me about it. When I tackle him on his lies, he shuts down.

He used to be a mad sportsman but stopped playing sport just before we got married and he has no inclination to go back. He is at home all day and doesn't do anything round the house unless I keep asking. He doesn't have any passion or ambition for anything. in the past, I have asked him to leave but he won't.

I believe I have tried everything to get him to work and think about our future but nothing seems to work. I have been to see a counsellor on my own as I'm not coping. This helped for alittle while but not anymore as my husband is not committed to making changes. All of my family live in the UK, his family are dysfunctional and I don't really feel they are supportive and most of my friends are mutual friends of ours so very hard to talk to them. I finally arranged a couples counselling session and he did come along but he wasn't happy about it.

I suppose I have now come to the conclusion that he is suffering from depression and anxiety. He needs help but I don't know how to get him to get help. I have previously mentioned to him that he needs to talk to someone and he says he will but never does. I know forcing him into something won't work either. Any ideas on how I get him to seek help?

[Kip]

The million dollar question....

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Sonia,

You feel you've done everything.  Why do you think that your "husband is not committed to making changes ?".   Is it because you are trying to elicit change ?  Maybe because he is depressed is a simpler answer.

It's a bit facetious to remark that this is "The million dollar question..." (Kip).   Making fun of someone's suffering is not very empathetic.    It's just one question in a complicated scenario and even friends that have offered work hadn't had much success.  Why would this be so hard to understand ?   The guy has lost his job, suffers from "depression and anxiety",  doesn't seem able to change, comes from a dysfunctional family, has lost his passion, his sporting hobbies, his motivation for living, hasn't worked for a year and doesn't seem keen to seek help.   A million dollar answer would be more therapeutic.

If he went to the couples counselling (unhappily) then why not try another session or two ?    This might encourage him to seek talking therapy on his own.  The main thing is that he did come along.   That seems a huge plus compared to the other factors.  There might be no reason for his depression - it might just be a bunch of defense mechanisms or emotional turmoil he's going through.   A man that is not able to work for his family is very hard on himself.  Why make it harder by making him accountable or by comparing the great first years with now ?  Marriage is marriage, for good or bad.

I hope that was more helpful than the glib "The million dollar question..." response by Kip.    When I respond I am using years of experience as a depressed husband that has battled this disease and managed to still have a family and a career.  I would never make a put down like that.    It's missing the point.   Touche.   There are other responders on the site that can honour your thread with a bit more understanding.   Being depressed is not a choice;  being supportive is.  And you seem to be doing a great job with this predictable illness.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Sonia, I'm so sorry about your situation it only seems to get worse day by day.

What I would do is to click onto 'resources' at the top of this page ( like I say to many people ) and order the free info from BB on depression, this may spark him into realising that he is depressed.

Now you must look after yourself, because this will wear yourself down, simply by exhausting yourself in trying for him get help, so I would go and see your doctor. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Sonia,

Here's the forty million dollar answer........

The neurons don't respond as well in a depressed brain.     It's called "brain fog".    It's something like half what a normal person's thinking ability is.  I''ll put the scentific research notes in my PS.   This should explain why your "husband changed / depression".    A little acceptance of this would help immensely.

Adios, David.

Ref:  Stanford University, San Franciso, California, USA.  Stanford is the premiere world research centre on psychology and the brain.  My wife is doing her 2nd Ph D for them on Music & the Brain.  

[Kip]

Hello Sonia please be assure I wasn't trying to be thoughtless I just dont know the answer. I hope you find some help Kind regards.