How can I help my mum who seems to have given up on everything?

[Friend94]

Hi all,

My mum is a long-term depression sufferer who's been frequently in and out of hospital for 8 years and has received every treatment that our doctors can possibly think of (including medicinal canabis). Nothing seems to work.

On top of medications and extreme treatments, doctors continue to encourage her to regularly exercise, meditate and try other natural therapies that they are confident will help, but she refuses to attempt. I've attempted countless times to motivate her to exercise and meditate (I personally find it very helpful). My dad and brother have done the same. I completely understand that her condition makes these actions seem impossible, while I can't begin to understand what's going on inside her head.

I'm 26 now and I miss my mum and I just want her back. I've been living out of home for several years now and I travel 2 hours home once a month to see my parents and I'm always overcome with sadness seeing her sitting on the couch, unable to hold much of a conversation. Sadness gradually turns to anger and frustration knowing that there are actions she can take to try and help herself, but refuses. Again I know this is not her fault, but I love her and need her back.

My concern shifts to my dad who feels like he doesn't have his wife anymore. He dreams of travelling Australia with her but she has no motivation to. She was incredible when I was younger at planning our family holidays - she loved it. Dad's had a couple of breakdowns and I see the strain on him every time I go home. Next year I'm planning on doing my own trip around Oz with my partner but I'm too concerned about leaving them alone together.

I'm ready to have a real deep conversation with Mum. One that I've never had before. I feel like I need her to see how it's effecting me. I want to actually plan a light exercise routine where I can coach her along because I know this will have some kind of positive impact.

I'd love to get some advice on how to approach this conversation. Will this direct approach be too damaging? What would be the right things to say to someone in this mental position? She's incredibly stubborn but would an exercise routine where I shower her with encouragement help her?

Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

[Emmen]

Hello Friend94,

It's distressing to see your mother so changed from the person she used to be. I understand your desire to help her, both for herself and her family.

I'd think it's a good idea to have a conversation with her, but do bear in mind that you need to be gentle and positive with her. If you were to approach her directly and tell her of the effects she's having on the people around her, she may interpret it as being a burden on others (depression can do that). Perhaps you can try an approach where you remind her of how important she is to you and your family, and that you miss doing activities with her since you've moved away? And then suggest a light exercise routine that you could also participate in along with her? If she rejects it, then ask her what activities she'd like to do with you and see if you can at least get her to be interested in something.

Kindly,
M

[Friend94]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you so much for your reply. I've definitely found some reassurance in your advice. I was concerned that if I approached her with that hardline tactic that it would make her feel like a burden. It's nice to know that taking a more positive approach could be more helpful, which is something that I feel a lot more comfortable with.

That's a great idea to suggest choosing her favourite exercise. I'm trying to figure out how to help her understand that exercise might not be an instant fix but it will provide gradual improvement over time.

Thanks again for your help!