His depression is ruining our relationship

[Louisem]

Hello, my name is lousiem and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post!

For as long as I have known my partner he has suffered depression and anxiety. He is on medication but it took a long time to find the right one and he's recently had to increase the dose as the depression has returned.

He copes by drinking, which we all know doesn't fix anything but he tells me its the only thing that calms him. He has only been drinking white spirits as wine turns him into someone I don't recognise but the last few weeks its been wine, beer and spirits and he has even started being secretive about his drinking. We started seeing a counsellor at the start of the year because it was either that or end the relationship and up until the depression returned we had been going well. He's always found it hard to communicate so this has been a safe environment for both of us to share our feelings. He's now refused to return to counselling and I'm struggling to even get him to have one final session so I can continue to see the same counsellor.

I feel that everything is unravelling and its starting to feel like it did six months ago and although I love him dearly and know he can't help how he feels I'm not sure I want my life to be like this. Its dragging me down and its not fun anymore. I've thought about leaving but I feel that would be the worst thing I could do for him right now but how do I manage my own happiness while supporting him? His 15 year old son lives with us full time (his sons mother lives 4.5 hours away) and we have a good relationship so if I left this would impact him as well.

Do I just ride the wave and do what I can to look after myself or should I give him an ultimatum - continue with counselling or its over? Maybe I should have a break from our situation and move out for a while? He is a wonderful man and I've waited a long time to find someone like him but depression and anxiety wasn't part of the deal. Has anyone ever been in a similar position to me? If you have how have you managed it?

I'd be grateful if you could share your thoughts and experiences.

[Jacko777]

Hi Louisem,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are faced with and I hope you get some ideas and support here, you can talk here any time. It's obvious you have a clear picture of your situation and you are well aware of your options. It took the concern of my wife for me to get proper help for my own depression, I have come a long way since then. I think you have the right to express your concern, about your relationship, your partner and yourself. Perhaps an ultimatum might be a bit confrontational, but surely he will listen if you tell him you can't keep going on like this?? If he is not responsive perhaps you can try the 'take a break' option, see what his response is, get out for a while if you need some time and space.

Certainly his drinking isn't a long term solution to his condition, he needs proper help I would think. 'Depression and anxiety wasn't part of the deal', but I don't reckon it's intentional hey? He has an illness and he is having trouble committing to treating his illness, a lot of us have been there. If he is not on a path of recovery I can understand that it would be very frustrating and concerning for you, there are resources for 'carers' on this site that would help you to better understand your situation. Stay compassionate and keep communicating with him, keep persisting I reckon.

Jack xo

[geoff]

dear Louisem, hello and it does take a great deal of courage to post a comment, especially when you're new to the site, but thank you for doing this.

I can absolutely relate to what you have said, as I was the same as your partner, which was the reason I was divorced.

Depressed and drinking from when I hopped up until I flaked, and I can't blame my wife for doing this, as it must have unbearable, however all relationships are different, in terms of how they are able to cope, but in your situation 'the wick is getting shorter'.

In hindsight I must have awful to live with, and now have certainly changed my ways.

The depression causes the drinking and then it keeps going around in circles, so in other words one causes the other, it's no different than trying to get off a spinning wheel, when will it ever stop, and even once he decides to continue his counselling, he has a long way to go.

Well we do love our partner/spouse, but our love changes so much over time, with pure infatuation at first to a caring love, but many between these two, and yes my ex and I still love each other, and once again it's another type of love.

I have to address my reply to you as it's your post, but if he won't continue any counselling then nothing will change and he will continue to drink and still be coping with his depression.

There's no easy way for you to help him if he doesn't want to help himself, but the decision is something you will have to choice on.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think from what I've said you know how I feel.

I'm sorry for this happen, and for me to go this again would be just devastating.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x