help with my husband and I care for special needs child

stayathomemum · ‎10-02-2015

My husband has pulled away thinks are bad at work no security hard to get a full time job,flys in flys out has work and money issues I stay and care for our autistic child things were ok of late but he says that he loves me but doesn't have it in him to try anymore.I know he is depressed and we am sure he has aspergers a small bit,gets very aloof, doesn't like to be touch sees things different-he cant quit work he has lost appetitde all things how do I help? I have begged that I am here I have fallen apart telling him I will do anything to help don't feel ashamed needs see someone but he doesn't now,doesnt now what makes him happy,doesnt now what he wants do,doesnt now about us,wouldnt leave still lives here helps like having a room mate but hard is it the depression or me do I back off always said everything was my way only my opinon mattered and yes I agree I havent listened but I don't want give up how do I help him and approach subject without him cutting me off

Pixie15 · ‎10-02-2015

Hi stayathomemum,

I see this is your first post so welcome to the BB forums. I hope you find some support here as I have.

I am thinking from what you have written in your post that your partner is a FIFO worker. He is trying to continue on working but is having trouble with the working conditions and afraid of doing anything about not being well because he is worried about losing his job.

This is not a good situation for you both especially as you have a child to support with special needs. It is really good that your partner is prepared to basically do everything he can to support you both. Maybe all he can manage at the moment is to be living with you as a roommate but that does not mean that it will always be like that. I have been married over 34 years and have weathered many storms and do not think this is that unusual. Your relationship may be stronger than ever when you get past this difficult period.

If you think your partner is depressed have you thought about going along to see your doctor about what sort of support is available for both of you.

Grateful.

stayathomemum · ‎13-02-2015

Thank you for replying,I am getting myself help but in the mean time I falling apart he flew out today for a week which is going to be hard,he went to his doctor in 2 weeks off to see a physiologist he is worried that he will get the diagnose of aspergers-autism feels embarrassed said he loves me just needs sort himself but how can I show him not going anywere love him regardless

Chris_B · ‎13-02-2015

Hi stayathomemum, good to see you back on the forums. It's good to hear your husband has getting help and that he has assured you that he loves you in spite of how his depression can sometimes make him behave. It can be very difficult to know what to say and how to act around your partner when the black dog hits.

There's a bb resource below which you might find helpful, and you might want to also check this section of our website.

Below also are some threads started by other FIFO workers and families which you might like to read through:

Withdrawing and sadness

How to care for myself while caring for depressed husband

Struggle street with partner

Pixie15 · ‎13-02-2015

Hi stayathomemum,

CB has given you some very good links to follow with the carers book and the other forum threads.

Your partner has taken some steps to seek some help and that is something to be thankful for. I personally do not think it is a good idea to worry about diagnosing myself or my family members. Find it both fruitless and confusing.

Is your partner going to see a physiologist (or did you mean psychologist)?

Even if your partner gets a diagnosis he is still going to be the same person you met and married. A diagnosis is just meant to be a means of identifying what treatments may help. A lot of people seem to get multiple diagnosis and diagnosis which change over time.

It is going to be hard to support your partner if you feel you are falling apart yourself. What other help do you have to support you? Are you making sure that you are caring for your own needs and doing some good things that you like to do?

Grateful.

stayathomemum · ‎13-02-2015

Thank you all,yes trying to get me help I am very sad.Just love him with all my heart cant live without him trying give him space but also not give up

Pixie15 · ‎14-02-2015

Hi stayathomemum,

I can understand that you are very sad. I have a partner and son who both suffer anxiety and depression. I know it is hard to watch someone you love suffering and knowing that you can not do anything to fix them can be very difficult.

If you are a full-time carer for your autistic child does that mean you are at home alone most of the time with your child? What other support do you have apart from your partner?

I am a little concerned for you as your last response sounds very sad.

Grateful.

stayathomemum · ‎03-03-2015

Well update life has been hard I have been aseeing a physcologist and my son as well hubby was just diagonised with Aspergers . Also he is blaming himself for our son with autism . He is currently seeing a physcologist as well but he has made then excision to separate reckons it is for the best he has apply for a job us toms that may come up and he will be gone. I said I would waited ask about counselling etc no not interested so he is looking after us I have said that we need to do up at separation agreement as we have live under the same roof and then when it gets serious he gets intimate with me like he doesn't want to lose me? I can't win I can see he is torn but if I let him go that's what he wants easy way out

stayathomemum · ‎02-06-2015

Well been a while lit has happened in 5 months this all happening

hubby has ignore us and our son gone into complete meltdown - relocated to another state will not have family councelling or even help.

our special needs son severe depression on anti deoressants under the care of specialists dud to dads abandonment of him and of course having bad thoughts etc etc - was placed in hospital hubby didn't even call

im keeping my head above water but my husband needs help won't get it ! Try talk to him ,email begged for councelling what have it

Pixie15 · ‎03-06-2015

Hi stayathomemum,

Glad you are staying in touch with the forums here.

If your partner and son are both away from home at present. Do you have any other support? I know that it can be helpful to just share your struggles. So I am wondering if you have support.

Have you considered finding out about therapy for yourself to deal with you feelings and maybe talk things through with someone who has some understanding. Even if we have family and friends who are prepared to listen they may not be able to understand or be very helpful.

Also there is a publication on this site "Women and Separation" which you might find interesting to read.

thanks,

Pixie.

(Grateful)