Help with my child....

[Tigerz]

Hi all,

like many parents I am going thorough teenage years with 2 girls. My youngest is a pretty happy child and doesn’t give me any problems.

however my 16 years old has been having problems for over 2 years now. A couple of years ago she declared to be transgender (from being a girl she thinks she is a boy). As she was having panic attacks I took her to the doctor and then a psychologist. With the psychologist we decided she would wait until the end of high school and if she then was still feeling transgender to do something about it. The psychologist diagnosed her with depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

We stopped seeing the psychologist as anyway she wasn’t following the suggestions given. She is very socially awkward (probably due to the fact that she is not comfortable in her skin) and spends all her time at home. She never goes out, doesn’t practice any sport. Even when she bunked school she was still staying home. She spends way too much on social media and YouTube.

I feel powerless and angry. I feel resentful towards my husband as him and his family have mental issues. However, my daughter always and only seeks my support. She never goes to her father and expresses her anxieties. Whenever she wants to talk she only comes to me. At least she comes to me, instead of keeping it inside I suppose, but it’s taking a tall on me.

I am suspecting that my behaviour is that I want to refuse the reality. I don’t want her to take any medications to change her body, as I know that are side effects.

I wish she was more independent and she was like majority of the kids. That she was going out and getting into normal trouble, such as being late.

anyway we are going to doctor tomorrow as she is saying she feeling even more unmotivated and depressed....

[therising]

A warm welcome to you Tigerz

'Identity'...hmm...it's a tough one sometimes, even when we're not facing gender identity challenges.

I find my sense of identity is largely based on how I identify: I'll identify my self through my established and changing beliefs, sometimes through feedback from others, through aspects of mental health (such as positive or negative levels of chemistry) and so on. Then, how I relate to my identify will determine the relationship I have with myself and those around me.

I believe, human beings generally tend to want to gravitate toward what or who they can best identify with at any given time:

• If your daughter is looking for trust, acceptance and guidance, she may identify with you more than with her dad
• If she is looking for a diverse range of people, she may identify more with social media and youtube than she would with the range of friends she currently knows (who don't face the same issues as her)
• If she's looking for guidance to best suit her (we're all unique), she may be looking to identify with a course of action other than what was suggested by the psychologist

I'm not necessarily suggesting the following but simply throwing out the idea of how she may identify herself differently if her circumstances were different:

• How would she relate to being a supported and guided member of a transgender community? Would she identify herself as someone who is effectively guided and supported by understanding people?
• How would she relate to a new group of friends who were accepting and open-minded in regard to gender identity? Would she identify herself as someone who is accepted by open-minded people?

Perhaps this helps in offering a view in regard to her current identity: I am generally not supported by most people in the 'straight' community. I am unacceptable, in a closed-minded community. 'I am' are 2 incredibly powerful words we can all relate to.

Being a spiritual person (of the non religious variety) as well as a vegetarian, unless I'm hanging out with a meditation or spiritual development group or dining with non meat eaters, I'm generally considered 'weird' as opposed to 'normal'. Basically, if I'm part of a community who encourages me to be my most authentic self, I find I'm part of an uplifting common form of unity. Finding our 'tribe' is definitely something that feeds the soul.

From one mum to another, you're doing a great job, seeing your daughter obviously relies on you as a trusted guide.