Teen Son Mental Health

[NessieT]

Hi Guys,

Firstly please forgive me if this ends up long but would love some tips etc.

My 18 yr old son was recently officially diagnosed with anxiety. I too have anxiety so I was not surprised exactly. He was put on medication 2 weeks ago and I am hoping this helps along with continuing to see a psychologist. What I am struggling with in his over analysis of his thoughts and feelings and his constant worry that he is a bad person. It is not unusual for him to check himself with us frequently, for instance, we have been asked; could I be a sociopath, psychopath etc, could this be cancer. He brought up a very normally developmental event from when he was little where he and another child looked at each other without clothes. Both children were of similar age and development and he started worrying if that makes him a sexual predator. This then started his thoughts going crazy about whether it meant he was sick in the head, how do you know mum, does someone just wake up and do this sort of thing? We spend time talking this through and he was like the idea repulses me but Im scared mum do people just snap and do bad things.

I made the mistake of talking about my father in law one day snapping - I was referring to his breakdown due to PTSD. My son was like, what do you mean, do you just wake up and lose the plot and hurt people or do bad things. I said no he never did that, he was very sad and couldn't cope after an incident at work. Then with the recent news of the mentally ill person stabbing someone he starting having anxiety saying, mum do mentally ill people just do that, do they wake up one day and lose the plot. He has himself in knots worried he will wake up a bad person one day.

He suffered with bad separation anxiety from us when he was about 11 etc whereby we couldn't move the cars around out the front without him panicking to check that we were leaving. He has hypochondria as well. He has always been a bit awkward and we have had this checked in an assessment which didn't identify much else besides anxiety.

Thankfully he has a job, he has a psychologist but he has a very small friendship group that are all very 'nerdy' and don't really get out and do much.

I just don't know what to do. How to guide him to becoming an independent and healthy adult and to help him stop these runaway worries.

Thanks

[JessF]

Hello NessieT, I can hear that you love your son very much and are keen to see him engaged in life in a way where he doesn't have so much time to be bothered by his racing, runaway, anxious thoughts.

It sounds like your attempts to reason with him so far have involved trying to rationally debate his anxiety with him. As someone who has anxiety yourself, can you think back on what was an effective strategy for you when your thoughts got the better of you? What worked for you? I know for me personally, my anxiety is not rational, so trying to have a rational debate with it didn't work, because new awful possibiltieis would always be thrown up. It sounds like your son's mind is good at playing this game, and by getting him assessed for potential additional mental health problems, I wonder if that has served to reinforce this feeling he has that he is just a ticking time bomb.

I'm reading also that while you're keen for your son to be independent, you're questioning some of his choices: his friendship group, and how they choose to spend their leisure time. His runaway worries are distressing for him, certainly, but it sounds like they are also distressing for you. If you are able to reach a place where you can feel total acceptance for the person he is at this stage in his young life, this may allow him some space to sit with these fears and realise that they are not life-threatening.

One way you could try modelling this would be to try introducing the concept of 'Worry Appointment'. For twenty minutes each day, say you will be happy to talk to your son about whatever is worrying him, but only at this time. Whenever your son comes up with one of his worry scenarios at another time of the day, he should write it down in a notebook, or in the notes on his phone. This hopefully should give him some control back over when he chooses to worry about things.

All of your son's feared scenarios boil down to someone who fears that they may lose control of themselves and their life. The more you can do to enable his independence and support his choices, no matter how difficult that may be.

[NessieT]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are spot on in your observations. I have a joint appointment with his psychologist and him this Saturday so we can make sure we are all on the same page in helping at home.