Help my depressed friend (long read)

Luciferase · ‎17-06-2014

So i've known John (not real name) since 2006 when we both came into Australia. He's a great guy with a lot of potential in him to achieve great things, but sadly has been held back by himself, or rather the depressive side of him. Lately however, its been so bad that he's barely living, all he does is eat at really odd hours, watch TV and browse the internet. He sleeps when the sun rises and gets up when it sets, and the whole process repeats. I've tried coaxing him to sleep on time, to have his meals on time, and while he agrees with me that he should be doing all that, he somehow just doesn't do it in the end. He always ends up defaulting to that vicious cycle. Its sad, because John always tells me how much he hates getting up or sleeping at ungodly hours, but at the same time it keeps repeating itself!

In 2011 - 2012 I convinced him to see a medical specialist to have his depression checked out. From there, he was referred to a psychologist whom he had for about 4 months. The psychologist had a more practical approach to tackling his depression, he was told to do practical activities (set goals etc.) and basically to have a more active lifestyle. I did notice a small improvement in his mood, there was a sense of structure in his life. Then he complained that he was still having sad/depressive thoughts, he was then referred to a psychiatrist. He was put on anti-depressants (I can't remember which one it was) and the psychiatrist was more concerned about his thought process rather than being practical. So this continued for a good year. His mood was generally OK, but he still had his depressive tendencies and mood swings. Alas, at the end of 2012, he told me that he felt the treatment wasn't working for him, that it didn't 'fix' his depression and decided to quit, thinking that he could tackle the problem himself.

Neil_1 · ‎18-06-2014

Hi there Luciferase

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post about your friend, John.

It sure sounds a different way of living from John – so in doing this, you’re also saying that he basically doesn’t go out either? Well especially in the later part of the night as the early morning clocks in.

Having this current routine, it’s highly likely that he isn’t working at the moment – however, an upside of this, if he’s still not willing to change his nighttime activities – is that there must be a lot of jobs that are needed to be done at night-time and I’d imagine the queue for such positions wouldn’t be overly long? Has he or yourself thought of trying something along those lines?

Prior to you getting him along to the medical specialist in 2011-2012, was he living the night-time hours then, or was he doing the normal day-time routine?

Has he spoken to you as to why he is living the ‘owl’ like hours? Is it his way of escaping away from the rat-race or having less human interference/contact?

The treatment that you sought for him in ’11-’12 sounded like it was on the right path there for a while, but only to fall by the way-side. Do you think he’d be up for another shot at that – with some possible, slight adjustments to it – in that, to try and find out what made him stop continuing in going before and to kind of advise him that there won’t be a need to “do that” or go to “that session”, or whatever it was that put him off?

Just some thoughts there, and I do hope you can get back to us.

Kind regards

Neil

Luciferase · ‎18-06-2014

Here's some more of the story...Fast forward a year and a half (to present) and John, to my eyes, has spiraled down to a terrible state. For the past year, he has become increasingly reliant on me for the most basic things. I have literally become his personal caretaker. I have no issues helping him carry out tasks but it has come to a point where I feel that he needs to be doing something to bring on a sense of structure back to his life. His mood has become incredibly unstable, he'd blow up in anger over the smallest disturbances, he is generally irritable and will lash out at me for trivial matters (although he does apologize later). He has withdrawn from his friends and family. He only manages to see other people when I bring them along with us. As it stands, I am the only person he still trusts and depends on. More recently he has started putting the blame on me for failing to help him recover, I feel incredibly guilty and also at the same time, helpless. As much as I care for John, I really feel that there is only so much I can do for him as a friend. I feel that my own relationships and work are being strained by John and I find it increasingly difficult to support him by myself.
I am trying to get John back to seek medical advice but he is stubborn. I feel the best way to get him back into a routine is to have him attend a rehab program with activities and a structured timetable for him to revert back to a normal lifestyle. As of now, I am quite lost in what I should be doing for John. I really want to see him back on his feet. We are in desperate need for an intervention. Any first steps that I or John could take?

AGrace · ‎18-06-2014

Hi Luciferase,

Welcome to the community and thank you for taking the time to share your and John's story. It must be incredibly frightening to feel like you're running out of ideas to help your friend.

Have you thought about contacting the Beyondblue chatline? Or even another infoline (SANE or lifeline) that can help give you some guidance in where to next? It sounds like you have put in a great deal of effort to keep him on the right track. The other idea that comes to mind is suggesting to see or speak to a medical professional together. You could also find out if there is a CAT (Crisis Assessment Treatment) team that operates in his area, whereby a treatment professional could come to John. (I know these services are offered in VIC but I'm not sure about other states.) It's been some time since the last professional intervention and there are possible new treatment options available that weren't an option before, so you could try taking this stance when speaking with him.

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has experienced mental illness for a long time it's quite common for "us" to lash out and blame the people we love or care about when things aren't getting better or when we feel helpless. My advice there would be not to take that on board personally, "we" only act out on the people we love because we know that the trust wont break.

The only other question I have for you is are you taking care of yourself among all of this? It's really important for carers to also get the help and support that they need and to remember that you are there to help but you are not entirely responsible for John's actions.

Let us know how you get on.

Kindest Regards

AGrace

BeeGee · ‎19-06-2014

Great advice AGrace.

Luciferase (sounds devilish!) - this might sound like an extreme option, and you will probably dismiss it straight up as not workable, but I''ll put it out there anyway - you can park it in the back of your mind and maybe the time will come when you pull it out again and give it a serious think.

How do you think John would react to the idea of a voluntary admission to a psych ward for a time? It sounds to me like he needs much more structured care than he can get at home or in the community; from what you've said his condition is really quite severe and needs some concerted and consistent professional input. The common reaction to a psych admission is one of aversion, but I've known people for whom this has been the turning point in their treatment; without it they may not still be here.

Chew it over and if you think it might be a real option, you will know the right time to suggest it.

Luciferase · ‎20-06-2014

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. Forgive me for my late response as I have been rather busy. FYI, Luciferase is a bioluminescent protein 🙂 (I work in a research lab).

Things have been pretty much the same for John the past few days. I have coaxed him into tidying up his household, which has been left in a rather terrible state for months. At least its in a better state now. However, John's sleep cycle has been deteriorating. He now sleeps around 6-8am and wakes up at 3-4pm! He says he feels dejected. I really think he should seek medical advice but i'm also afraid to bring this up as i'm sure he will react negatively towards it. Any advise on how I may approach him? I am more than willing to help him through this or even attend some of his medical visits, i'm just afraid on bringing this up with him 😕 He is insistent that he can 'fix' himself, but he's been saying this for over 2 years now and things aren't looking any better to me... Thanks for the input guys, really appreciate any form of help.

vip · ‎20-06-2014

Hello Luciferase John's depression is out of control now he needs a gp visit medication and a referral to a psych just having you to rely on is honestly not enough .He wont fix himself keep an eye on him and if you do notice any disturbing behavious ring an ambulance they can come without the siren and they can get him into a clinic at the hospital. goodluck

AGrace · ‎27-06-2014

Hi Luciferase,

Just wanted to see if there's been any progress with John? Were you able to get him to seek professional care/advice? 2 years is a long time to push on through, and I understand its quite common for men to want to fix things themselves. If John's not willing to seek extra help there's nothing stopping you from speaking to someone to get support and guidance as a carer.

AGrace