I'm a dad-to-be with a struggling mother-to-be

[MP]

Hi guys,

This is the first time I have used an online forum. My wife is pregnant (12 weeks along). She has a history of depression, is lost in her career direction, and is now terrified of being a mother. All fairly normal themes obviously. She has complete melt downs (tears, yelling, darkness) almost every day. We have done a lot of counselling in the past and have more booked in. I really do understand her concerns and try to help her as much as I can. But it is having an impact on me. I really hate to admit it (but maybe it is good to say it anonymously), but I feel 'short changed' with life, that things could have been/should have been 'better.'

I know this is all really self-centred, but I guess that is why I am asking for some help, but I feel weighed down and disappointed that every 'exciting' phase of life (children, wedding, etc. etc.) comes with all these blues from my partner. I find it frustrating that I feel I can't have an adult, mature, stable relationship and conversations with my wife. At the first sign of her doing anything 'wrong' at work, she falls apart emotionally when she gets feedback. I think it is all having an affect on me. I am worried that the cortison that must be excreted each time my wife is stressed and upset, will be heightening the stress levels in the baby and it will effecting the baby's development. 

Cheers

MP  

[geoff]

dear MP, by having your first baby can be very testing, and in this post I am not taking away the fact that your wife is carrying the infant, and that their tastes and behaviour can change during the 9 month pregnancy, so can I just put this in the back ground, and please girls I am not being sexist.

I do have to worry that as your wife has had depression before that she needs to have  a counsellor who does deal with PND, and there is no guarantee that she will develop this, but I understand how you feel, because my wife ( ex ) also had PND for our second child.

It's not being 'self-centred' because a marriage involves two people, just like when you have new born baby, there are so many new situations that do happen as the baby grows, so it does need two people.

When my wife had PND we had her mum come and live with us because at that stage I was working 7 days in a family pub, and really she was such a great help, however you have to get on well with her if this happens.

I would suggest that you click onto 'resources' at the top of this page and order the printed information from BB, it's free and might be able to help you to learn on how to cope.

Please let us know, and I'm sorry that no one has replied back to you, but as there are so many new posts that come in, it pushes other posts onto page 2. Geoff.

[KLD]

Hello MP. First let me say congratulations on the baby. Also, I'm sorry you and your wife are finding life so tough at the moment.

I suffered Postnatal Depression after the birth of my first child in April 2012. I've been feeling well for 7 months now.

I want to assure you that your feelings about being 'short changed' are normal. Depression is so tough and really affects carers. Try not to beat yourself up about your feelings, it is ok to feel that way.

You mentioned that you had some counselling booked in. THat's great. I'm also wondering if you're seeing a psychologist. Some cognitive behavioural therapy may help both you and your wife. Also, have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist? Don't worry, they're not all white coats and straight jackets! When you have a heart condition you see a cardiologist. A psychiatrist is for mental health. Perhaps your wife, especially, could benefit from a psychiatrist. My psychiatrist really helped me get my insomnia and PND under control. Yes, I did and still am taking medication. Talk to the doctor, but I believe there are medications that can be taken during pregnancy (PLEASE CHECK THIS FIRST THOUGH). Also check with your GP/Obstetrician etc ... about your worries regarding your wife's stress levels and the impact on the baby. Hopefully they can put your mind at ease. 

Some things I found helpful to reduce stress when I was very unwell was meditation. THere are some good simple apps you can download free. I liked Simply Being. THis may help you and your wife. 

In terms of worries about being a good parent, it may help to make some lists of things you 'need to do' such as buy the cot, pram, clothes etc... Then make a list of 'what you want to do as parents' ie breastfeed/sing baby to sleep/ go on walks as a family.  My psychologist said there's no right or wrong in parenting, there's only what works and what doesn't. It's what works for YOUR Family that matters.  There are also parenting courses that might help you both feel more comfortable. Ask your doctor or early childhood clinic. When the baby comes let people help you, ask them to throw on a load of washing, pick up some milk, watch the baby while you both sleep. 

In terms of you feeling disappointed at life, maybe some 'time out' or 'you time' might help. Perhaps a family member or friend can visit with your wife a few times a week so you can go for a walk or do something you enjoy for an hour.

I hope some of this might help you.

[Onion33]

Hi MP,

Just because you and your wife aren't feeling well now, doesn't mean it will always be like that. When pregnant and after giving birth, a woman has so many hormone changes that it sometimes feels like your own feelings are completely out of control.

For me, I had a great pregnancy. In fact, I felt "higher" than high because of the hormones. After baby was born, I had a massive hormone adjustment and started having extreme panic attacks (never had them before). I got help immediately and medication did the trick. I couldn't just "wait and see" if it would pass. I had a new born to look after! I remember feeling SO SO guilty that i was ruining the experience for my husband. In fact, those thoughts just made me feel even more paniced! He told me he was supportive (even though I knew he was terrified). I always encouraged him to talk with me or friends (which he always refused). So well done for seeking help for yourself too.  

My son is 1.5 years old now. I'm still on a low dose of medication, I practice meditation/mindfulness, my husband and I are wonderful parents. My point is, if you get help, this difficult time will pass. Try not to feel that this "short changed" feeling is permenant. It's temporary, yet still important either way. Seeing a pyschiatrist (maybe one who specialises in PND) is a must!

All the best. Thinking of you and your wife.

[KMW27]

Hi MP,

I am new to posting but I feel some of your pain.  My husband and I are going through a hard time at the moment for other reasons but I have just become and aunty for the first time.  My family (on both sides) has a history of depression and I suffered PND when I had both my kids over 5 years ago.  My sister-in-law is showing signs of PND now with a  young baby.  

From my experience in life, it really seems that some people are able to sail through and be really happy and up-beat all the time.  Other people, like me (and it sounds like maybe you and your wife too)  don't seem to be able to do that.  Now that I can admit that to myself I find it easier to accept that I am not as happy as I would like to be all the time.  I guess there are things you have to try when the going gets tough.  Some of the things that helped me when I was pregnant and after the birth were going to PANDSI (meeting up with other mums and dads who had post and anti natal depression).  There might be a similar thing in your area you could try and look into for you and your wife.  Also taking anti-depressants has really helped me cope with everyday challenges.

Also I have had seen psychologists at various times over the years and had counselling with social workers as well when my children were very young.  

My husband is going through a hard time at the moment (for other reasons) but he feels a bit like you, that everything is hard, and feeling "short changed" by life.  I know it's not great that you feel like that, but I think it's a big help that you can acknowledge that is how you feel.  That is a big step to getting help and getting through the tough times.   

I hope this makes sense to you and you get some help from it.

K