Help me to help my mother.

[JohnnyN_]

Hi,

Recently I found out my mother was suffering from severe depression. I also recently just turned 20 and as a young adult I have absolutely no idea on how to help her and i feel totally useless. My friend recommended me this site and its the first time im using an online thread so please bear with me. 

My mother is the absolute pinnacle of my life, and the thought of even losing her drives me insane. She is a very strong woman who has been running her own business's since we moved to Australia (1997). Now, due to this she is always under a lot of stress from work and recently, i think its been starting to take a toll on her body. Shes been eating A LOT less, lost a lot of weight, never has a smile on her face, her personality almost feels dead and she always complains about feeling tired or too stressed to keep working. She also has been losing her temper here and there, but most of the time shes in her room drinking until she falls asleep. As a result of this, ive been trying my best to stop her from working too much but she doesnt seem to give up. She is a clear example of a workaholic, as she works every day from Monday- Sunday, with little to no breaks. 

As her son, i am extremely worried about her health and wellbeing (physically and mentally). The other week, I found her medication  that her doctor has been making her take and I am completely against it. After doing some research, it scared the living hell out of me because it didnt look like it was going to help her. Maybe im just being paranoid.

 Im sorry for such a long text, but any advice would help. I feel like im being useless when i could be helping my mother recover. I dont want to lose her or let her feel any more emotional pain for another second. Seeing her like this drains the life out of me too and kills me inside. 

Any advice will help. 

Thank you. 

[Pixie15]

Hi JohnnyN.,

Welcome to the bb forums.

I found out my son was suffering anxiety and depression when he was about your age and I felt really ignorant and helpless. I also felt in some way I was responsible for it. I still worry about that sometimes.

When I first found out my son was on medication I said it will be okay just like managing diabetes or any other chronic illness. Doctors do not generally make people take medication. Your mother must have agreed to it. If you feel she is not adequately informed about it you could find out about some of the side effects and just discuss it with her. Also if she is drinking as well that might reduce the effectiveness of the medication. If you are aware of the side effects and you see your mother acting in a way that causes you concern you could discuss that with her.

Your mother might have difficulty getting out by herself to do new things and has become locked into basically working every day because she does not have anything else. Have you thought about rather than just telling her not to work as much asking her to do something fun with you occasionally? 

There is a lot of information on the site here and I hope you get a chance to have a look at that. Ultimately however your mother is an adult and you need to respect her right to make her own decisions on how she lives her life even if you do not agree with them.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[JohnnyN_]

Hi Pixie,

 Thank you for the reply and for the advice. After reading your post, I actually began to agree with most of what you were saying. I will take your advice and try to start some hobbies with my mother so she can explore new boundaries and experiences.

As for her being an adult and making her own choices, well, that is very true. I feel as though my ignorance can come in the way i behave towards and i feel as though I still act as a child by trying to change her instead of helping her. 

Thank you again Pixie15. I wish you the best for you and your son. 

 Kind regards, 

JohnnyN. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Johnny, welcome to the forums. Below is the section of our website that Pixie was referring to:

Caring for someone with depression and anxiety

Have a look also at the Carers NSW website for resources.

[Bb23]

Hi JohnnyN., 

I'm your age too and have experienced/am experiencing a lot of what you're going through. 

My mum is my sunshine, and when she is sad, I get sad too. The main thing that has worked for me is being really open about my own issues and problems, which has generally sparked her to talk about what's going on in her mind. It's taken awhile but totally worth it. 

My mum also has previously suffered from anorexia and body dysmorphia. Her doctor once prescribed her a full on diet drug that i was defiantly against! I sat mum down very seriously and told her that she is my sunshine and that I want her to be well. So I began to shift her focus from diet/exercise, to fun mother/daughter time activities to keep her mind on something else. 

After around six months of constantly opening up and talking, and making new focuses, she began to get better.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with parts of life, and all you can do is to continue to be the great son you are. You are honestly doing great, and being a person that you should be proud of.