Help for my PTSD partner

[eljaycee]

I was helped by geoff last year during a hard time....that hard time has returned but I'm trying to manage.

I have dropped in to the forums at various times just to read posts and the kindness that people show here.  It helps when I feel lonely....

My person who I've seen for 18 months or so now,  has complex PTSD and goes through periods of isolation.  There seems to be more anger behind it this time which is why he says he doesn't contact me because he doesn't want to lash out at me.  The lack of contact is stressful for me and I miss him and worry about him.  He has told me is getting treatment, so I just have to trust him to contact me when he's ready.

I just wanted to touch base with understanding people.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Eljaycee

Well, welcome back to the forums … and it sounds like you know about them, which is good and it’s also good that you’re reaching out for advice/guidance.  And yes, Geoff’s a ripper isn’t it.  And you’ll be very pleased to know that he’s still here with us … thank goodness;  that man is wealth of knowledge and experience.  

It does sound a difficult situation that you’re facing.  When you say “person”, that would be your boyfriend, yes?  Not that it really matters at all I guess.  So he wants to be by himself, and not with you there as a support for him?  Which to me sounds like you’d be wanting to provide that for him – hence why you’re coming here.  

When he says he’s getting treatment, I guess he’s not going into detail about that?  Which is a shame because it would be good to know just what professional help that he’s undertaking?  Regular GP visits, referrals to psychs, any medications, etc.  

I hope some of the above has proved a little useful for you.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[eljaycee]

Thanks for your reply Neil, it's nice to meet you 🙂

He is my boyfriend. We live separately, mainly because I have kids from a previous relationship and he doesn't want to inflict his ptsd on my kids.  He is a very thoughtful and caring person and we get along so well when he is stable and feeling good.

Before we were as close as we are now, when we were more friends than in a relationship, he shared more of what was happening in his life....his thoughts and his treatments.  Now that he considers me closer to him, he shuts me out more. I understand why, but it still hurts.  A few nights ago he rang but I was asleep and didn't answer the phone.  He later said that he'd planned to break up with me.  He told me he wants to self sabotage anything that is good in his life, he feels inwardly angry and wants to wreck things for himself.

The treatment he has told me he was planning to get this time is an extended stay in a mental health facility that he has been before.  I just hope he has gone and will be feeling better soon. 

My instinct is to nurture and provide comfort which he wants nothing to do with.  He doesn't come to me for comfort, prefers isolation.  It's hard to feel punished for wanting to love someone.

[Neil_1]

Whoa Eljaycee - WOW what a change to your pic!  Um, yes, that's cute I think 🙂  Is it one of the characters from Monsters INC ??  

Great to meet you also - thanx for getting back with the amount of detail that you posted … that helps a lot, but gee, it really does sound so difficult for you on so many fronts.  

Your compassion really shines through in the words that you post and the way that you express things … and it’s a massive shame that he can’t feel that or benefit from it. 

On a positive note though, he’s very considerate to you with regard to your children … as if he’s in a bad place, he doesn’t want to be displaying that in front of the little ones (I’m just guessing that they’re little 🙂  

This illness just sucks big time … where it affects us, but it affects the ones that we love as well.  So at this moment, you’re not sure if he’s admitted himself??  When was the last time you heard from him or saw him?  

Sorry, but another question … when he last went to the mental health facility, did that have a positive effect for him and did he come out better??  

Great again to hear from you Eljaycee.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[geoff]

dear Eljaycee, lovely to have her from you again, but under distressing circumstances.

When we are great friends with someone all is reveille, from maybe past friendships, families, work, injuries, life threatening experiences and nothing is heard back, but as soon as we become a closer item like living together, we then begin to hide some secrets and prepare not to disclose them, so this in turn begins a communication problem.

As much as you would just to love and nuture him, I don't believe now is the time, and you appreciate this and hope that he has admitted himself to hospital, and from what you have said he seems to an unstable man at the moment, and you know that I only say this not meaning to verbally criticise him, because I know he is not well, but all I want is your safety and to be of prime concern.

What I would do is to ring the hospital where he was last admitted into and see if he is there, and if he's not they might have some idea as to where he is.

I am again frightened for your safety but you know me, it's second nature, but please get back to us, as Neil who is my esteemed friend, just as all the others are and too many to mention, has begun the replies back to you, so please it's a concern to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[eljaycee]

I deeply appreciate your reply Geoff, as well as Neil's....but it seems that just as I felt that things were hopeless, like last September, he replies to my messages as soon as I reach out to BB for advice and support.

He has never been physically violent.  He has inner rages....gets very angry with himself.  The lashing out would be verbal, but he turns off his phone and becomes uncontactable.  I have never felt unsafe with him, even when I have managed the occasional face to face meeting during his down times, he has never been physically threatening.

He was only able to get booked in to the hospital at the end of the week, apparently it's a busy time for bad heads....but says he does feel a bit better already.  His affection in his messages has returned and he has asked how I am - something he doesn't do when he's really low.  I am going to keep the ball in his court, so to speak - I'll leave it up to him to contact me when he feels like it....which is good for my self-esteem by not having my messages feel like they're ignored, plus I'm not irritating him unnecessarily by messaging if he still feels like being silent at times. 

I know, I need to be tougher, more resilient when the shutdowns happen....but in the midst of his withdrawal of affection and attention, I sometimes feel completely distraught.  This is something I have to work on I know.  I know he is concerned that this happens, but I also realise that it is all he can do to think outside of anything other than his own head at times.  He has said in the past that he expected to be single for the rest of his life, that he didn't want to feel connected to anyone, but I came along and he couldn't help but fall for me.  He says he knows it's selfish of him to isolate himself, but he said if he had a choice he wouldn't do it.

He does improve after his stays in the hospital, although, as a lot of mental illness people do, as soon as he feels better he doesn't follow through with therapy.  This time I am going to push more.  If he wants me badly enough then he needs to try to avoid these shutdowns....not just deal with them once they happen, but to try and prevent them in the first place.  But I know the key word is try....I don't do ultimatums - I'm not about to say if this happens again then we're done....there's no way I would do that....but it would be nice if he would try continuing therapy, even during his 'up' times.

Neil - hehe...thanks, my monster is just a cute pic I found 🙂

I thank you both for your kind words, I do appreciate your advice.

[geoff]

dear Eljaycee, thanks for your reply.

It's a respond and reply that I knew that you would have in you.

I will reply back as I have to leave the house now, but once I am back home about 8.30 I will get back to you which I will enjoy talking to you again. L Geoff. x

[geoff]

dear Eljaycee, you are right when you say ' he feels better but he doesn't follow through with therapy', and this is certainly something that he really should do, because once he has one of these times when his mind is not under control, it defeats the purpose of going to hospital as everything that he has learnt to stabilise these awful times has gone out the window, so he's back to square one again.

This can be very frustrating especially for you, because everything seems as though he has improved and accepted this advice, but all of  a sudden it's back to square one again.

It seems as though he really loves you, as you do with him, and I wouldn't worry about when he says he wants to be single, it's only this illness that is making him say this, that's just a natural response from someone with depression.

Eljaycee, to become more resilient when the shutdowns happens', is to know that the next period whether it's a short time or a lengthy period is to know that he has hit rock bottom again, and what he says he doesn't mean, and as he slowly climbs back up his mood will change again and then send you those messages which you love to hear.

I have to say that you have incredible strength, because anybody else in the same situation would have ended this a long time ago.

Please keep in touch as you know you are not alone here. L Geoff. x

[eljaycee]

Thanks Geoff for your reply and kind words 🙂

The reasons why I stay with him are a mixture of selfish reasons and compassionate reasons. I don't just want attention from a relationship, I want his attention....I want him, the person he is, whether he has mental health issues or not, he is worth it to me.  Plus he's had people give up on him before, have felt that he's too hard to know....I want to show him that he's not a hopeless cause, that I believe there's hope for improvement, but no pressure either.  If I stay there's hope, if I leave then it's over and sure, I may not have the hard times to cope with but I also won't have the wonderful.

I will definitely be having conversations with him about his need to follow through, I'm sure the therapists themselves would be having those discussions with him too because of his repeat visits to the hospital.

Thanks Geoff....I will keep in touch, it's such a relief to talk to people who understand 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi Eljaycee

Your first sentence of your latest post (actually it's now not your latest post, as you've just posted again) has me a little confused, but I sense positiveness out of it as well;  in that you have said that he has now responded to your messages?  I’m assuming that has just been recently and that it is also a good thing, in what he has responded to you with??  I’m sure hoping so.

That’s a brilliant call on your behalf to leave it up to him to make the contact.  Do you feel ok with doing that? With what you describe it sounds like a really lovely relationship that you have (in the good times 🙂   In time, do you think that he might not feel the need to isolate himself away from you?  So that you can still be together and you can care for him?

I couldn’t agree with you more about getting him to try and work on his condition even during the good times … so that it won’t come back (or might make it difficult for it to come back).  Do you think he’s be in agreeance of this for the future?  

That last paragraph of yours made a lot of sense for him to continue his therapy all the way through – and he should be able to recognise that as well by now … cause it seems like a common theme, that once he stops his coping mechanisms, it’s like taking the leash off his black dog and then he runs wild again.

I did enjoy your post Eljaycee, because you’ve obviously thought this situation through for a fair while now and you know what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s bad and what’s good and you’ve expressed it.  I also feel that you WILL be strong this time and that will be for the betterment of your relationship.

I really hope that things work out well for you and your man … and as always to anyone who posts here, I always enjoy it if they can get back to us.

Kind regards

Neil