He pushes us away - how do I help?

[Prudence_A]

My partner lost his 13 year old daughter to suicide 5 months ago. This has been a heartbreaking time for our family but of course hardest for him. I have a 14 year old daughter that lives with us. A couple of months ago we moved back home to qld from Wa for him to start a great new job. We started the year in a positive frame of mind as he had a new job and we were back close to family. Since then his grief is just getting too much for him to handle. He has moved out of our house as he says he needs space to 'deal with things' and also being around my daughter (who he is very close to and loves lots) is just too hard at the moment. Although I wasn't happy for him to be living somewhere else, I was willing to give it a try because anything that helps is worth a go right? Since then he has become more distant and keeps telling me that we are better off without him. I keep assuring him that we love him so much and will always be by his side to support him.

I believe he was suffering depression before this happened ( he has dealt with lots in his past included abuse) He is now in such a bad space that he believes its never going to get better. He has a history of depression in his family and thinks that he is always just going to feel like this. He is yet to see a doctor or counsellor but has made an appointment for next week. 

I meant it when I told him I would never give up on him and support him through this. The hardest thing is knowing how to support him when he is pushing me away. What can I do to help him? If I bring up seeing a doctor to discuss possible treatments he gets annoyed at me and says he 'will sort it out'.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

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[White_Rose]

Hello Prudence

So sorry the weekend jaunt has not happened. I can see why you are running out of options.

I wonder if it would help if your daughter texted Mark and asked him to talk to her. Or possibly phoned him.

Having said that I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. Another option is to give him space for a little while. I know that sounds and looks like you are abandoning him, but what if he needs that space for a while. Let him know you are going to do this and that you will contact him in a couple of weeks or whenever you decide would be good. Tell him he can contact you whenever he wishes.

Maybe he does need a little space and time to think. I am going into hospital tomorrow for a couple of days. I have told very few people and have asked that they do not swamp me with their well meant offers of assistance, chats and general enquiries. I too need space to manage myself.

I feel I need to carry on my life as usual which does not happen when the phone rings frequently. I appreciate their care and love and I will ask if and when I need assistance and/or company. At the moment I just want some peace and quiet.

So maybe this is how Mark is feeling. Tell him you are not giving up on him but that you have decided to honour his wishes for space for the time being. I know this will be hard for you. It may help Mark

Best wishes

Mary

[Prudence_A]

Hello

It's been a while since I have posted. Things with my partner got worse for about a month. He wouldn't talk to me and told me it was too hard loving me because he believed everything would end. I stayed in contact via text message to let him know how much love both my daughter and I have for him. Things have been getting better. We are still living separately but see him most days. He is dealing with his grief by spending time in the garden. He has ripped apart the yard and is building new vege gardens. He finds that this helps clear his mind. He seems to be doing well.

I have just found out that I'm pregnant. This is not something we have planned. We always talked about it but as it hasn't happened over the last few years, we didn't think it could happen.

I'm excited but scared. What if he isn't happy about it? What if I have a miscarriage and we have to cope with another loss?

I haven't told him yet. We are going away next week for my sisters wedding and then having a few days away just the 2 of us. I plan on telling him then. I just hope that he sees this as not a chance to replace Paris but a new wonderful life.

[justme_]

I wouldn't be so bold to offer any advice, instead I would like to say a BIG congratulations on your pregnancy.  What a wonderful blessing.  I hope the right opportunity comes soon to share the news with dad.  all the best.