Given it my all and still no sign of light

[ChallengingTimes]

I'm exhausted.

As a result of domestic violence, for 10 years I have been a single, self supporting mum of a now 17 yo daughter with PTSD, anxiety and depression and a son with level 2 ASD (Aspergers) now 13. I have given every drop I have to keep my children in good schools and seeing good specialists (despite me being diagnosed with depression a few years ago as well). But after 10 years of giving it my all I am running out of steam and things have only got more demanding - despite Psychiatrists and Psychologists and medication and support for years, my daughter's depression has progressively increased to a stage that she cant attend school (year 11) most days and my son is hitting puberty and so presenting with a whole new range of challenges.

I just feel so deflated, like Ive given it my all only to end up with both kids in an unhappy state and with nothing left in the tank to keep us afloat.

I know all the rhetoric, and the importance of self care etc. But just for the time it has taken to belt this out on the laptop, I wanted to tell someone that some days it's really hard for me to keep giving and supporting and seeing no positive outcome. I'll keep doing it of course because there's no option to give up.

[james1]

Hello ChallengingTimes,

Welcome and I hope you find the support you are looking for in this really kind community. I'm so sorry to hear about the many challenges you are trying to face.

I can hear the exhaustion in your post and, while I'm really saddened to hear that you are essentially doing this all on your own, I'm also hopeful that you might perhaps get even a little bit of comfort knowing that we are listening to you.

I understand how hard it is to give something everything you have, and see no positive outcome. It is an absolutely exhausting and draining experience, and I really hope that things become a little bit easier for you, or even just stop getting worse.

I am not sure what help I can give you, but please know I am here to listen if you would like to chat, or just to "belt it out" as you say.

James

[M99]

Hi Challenging times,

Welcome to the Beyond blue community. I am glad you have spoken out about this as sometimes that's all we need, the freedom of expression and emotion. Feel safe to always share your emotions and thoughts here, as we are all here to listen and support your well-being.

It definitely sounds like you have gone many years of being a survivor, a fighter, a provider and a protector for your children. Keep in mind, this is no easy task. I commend you for your strength and resilience that you have carried thus far through your experiences. I am sorry for those years of domestic violence, it is cruel to treat another human being with such disregard and I cannot fathom what impact that must have had on you and your children.

It sounds like you are a strong mother and a role model to your children. Although it may feel like things aren't where you want them to be, I can assure you, even if the results are not visible now, all your efforts, all your hard work does have an impact, it does matter and what you have done so far has contributed to the opportunities your children have had thus far, it has contributed to the maintenance of their health, it has contributed to them knowing they have a mother who loves them so dearly. These are invaluable things, that no money could prevail but only true love and care.

In case no one has told you yet, you're doing a good job. It must be so difficult having all these responsibilities on top of your current condition. Do you have any close confidants or friends with whom you can share and express your emotions and thoughts to? Sometimes a lending ear and some social support can be so important during times of difficulties.

[therising]

Hi ChallengingTimes

You're amazing, no doubt about it. Everything you write amazes me. The fact that you just won't give up, despite being thoroughly exhausted and depressed is amazing. Ending a marriage even though there was possibly some feelings of low self esteem amazes me (such strength in times of challenge). Rebuilding a life without a partner is an undeniably amazing undertaking. Facing the heartbreak of seeing your kids face painful challenge after challenge but still managing to give them everything you can, under the circumstances, amazes me. I could go on but I think I've already established how stunning you are.

Being amazing can be thoroughly exhausting. How many times have you thought 'Gee, I wish someone else would do all this (amazing) stuff. I just don't have the energy anymore'? Under no circumstances should you doubt how well you are doing. On the other hand, I believe it could be a bit of a self esteem booster to perhaps doubt how well others around you are doing. I'm not out to start a blame game or anything, just want to try and shift perspective. For example, you take your daughter to professionals for mental well being purposes and she seems to be slipping further into a depression. Have you ever questioned these professionals? 'Why is my daughter doing worse than ever?' is perhaps a question worth asking the people who are meant to be serving her. 'What do you think you are doing wrong?' would be a seriously bold question to ask. Maybe asking your daughter whether she feels any great connection with her therapists could give you some answers.

I'm wondering where all the people are who could be raising you and your kids, to new possibilities, maybe some new outside the square strategies or therapies, some opportunities for rest and relaxation etc.

I believe it's important to remember that every new challenge your kids face, you face too. Myself, I have 2 teenagers (15yo boy and 17to old girl). I remind them that whatever they go through for the first time in life (certain milestones) I go through with them. If I have no clue as to what I'm doing, in the way of dealing with the challenge, this factor helps explain both my struggle and my lack of wisdom. We do our best to work things out together. We raise each other through challenge. I am who I am today largely because my kids have raised me to be a stronger, more intelligent and more reasonable. There is a reason for everything.

You are amazing 🙂

[ChallengingTimes]

Thank you so much for you lovely reply. I cried when I read it and felt very heard. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[ChallengingTimes]

Hi James, Thankyou so much for your reply. It makes such a difference, especially as a single mum, to feel someone has heard and understood. I really appreciate the support.

Lynda

[ChallengingTimes]

It was so helpful to receive your reply, thank you. What an amazing site and organisation. As you said, sometimes all we need is to be heard or to get a virtual hug, and ypu offering that is a huge and appreciated gift. Thankyou.

[M99]

Hi ChallengingTimes,

I'm glad we could have been of help to you. How are you feeling now in regards to things going on? Hope things have become more manageable.

Best,

M99.