Frustrated and drifting away

[Speckledom]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have two boys, 5 & 2. I have always been aware of my partners sadness and he has a very full-on past.  He has always been distant and quiet in the relationship but has proven and I know he loves me a lot. He is so strong and a very good and genuine person. In the last year, we have swapped roles and I am working and he is home. Since then, things have become worse (I think because he's not working, it's finally all caught up to him). He has admitted he has severe depression but he flat out refuses to see a councillor or take medication. He has bought a self-help book that was highly recommended and he feels it really resonates with him and it does seem to be helping. I'm so glad he's getting help and has acknowledged he is depressed. He said he does not feel like harming himself and I believe him but do look out for signs. I  wish he would get better help. He reached out many years ago to a councillor and had a bad experience. He doesn't want to talk about his past, he just wants the memories to stop hurting.

i just feel so

helpless because he is so stubborn. He really blocks me out when I try to talk to him and everything I say gets really misinterpreted. Everything I do say sounds so corny anyway because I' m terrified of him giving me the cold shoulder. I feel like I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and I feel miserable. I feel so frustrated because if he let me, I would gladly be his rock. Over the years, I feel he has been selfish and treated me unfairly. When I was very miserable a few years ago, I would try to talk to him but he was never very interested or took me seriously. So deep down, I also feel mad. I always feel really frustrated and our moods affect each other immensely. I just feel lost. I'm drifting away from the relationship but I don't want to. I want to help but he won't let me. He's a great guy but he can be bitter and angers easily- mostly towards others. He doesn't laugh much 😞

my work takes me away about 4 nights a fortnight and I am thinking about resuming full time study to also be at home more. I feel like I need to come home and take control. I feel so

useless and very very sad! Do I need to just grow a pair and be a bit more forceful or do I just hang in there and let him navigate his own way? I want to help but I feel so drained and stretched thin by it all.

any helpful words or advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance 🙂
 

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[Pixie15]

Hi Speckledom,

It can be really difficult for a depressed person to reach out and receive the help that they need. I forced my partner a few years ago to go and speak to a doctor by threatening to leave him. I would not recommend this because it made me the enemy for awhile. However he did get help and he is a lot better now than he has been at any time in the 30+ years we have been together. It might help to encourage him to go and talk to his doctor. It won't mean that he will necessarily recommend medication.

Is your partner home doing the home duties by choice or necessity? Being home with a toddler can be very difficult for anybody. It might help to encourage him to have some interests that get him out of the house like a sport or hobby. 

It is important that you also look after yourself. Do something you really enjoy at least once a week. It is so easy to put your own needs on the back burner.

Grateful.