Friend with depression

[Valley]

I don’t know if it’s right for me to discuss my friend’s  problem here, but I am thinking it won’t do any harm if I can get some advice on how to help her. She is suffering from depression, and it has been an on and off thing since her husband, whom I think is a dipstick anyway, left her. Right now, she is at her lowest, and she wouldn’t even want to see me or any of our other friends. The last time I went to visit her, which was several days ago, she met me at the door and did not let me in. Our friends tell me to give her space, but I can see desperation in her eyes, and I can’t just let it go. Can someone tell me what I should do?

[Neil_1]

Dear Valley

Welcome to Beyond Blue and may I please apologise that it's only now that you're receiving a response back to your post.

I do hope that you're still around.

You sound like a wonderful person and a really caring friend.  May I ask how long has it been since the husband left your friend?  Are there children involved, or is she now just living alone?  Does she have any other sisters or even are you aware if she's close to her parents at all?    I'm asking this, to see if she may have other alternatives for her to perhaps unload??

I'm also gathering by what you say that she's probably not into going out for say a lunch or a coffee?   This could be something to try, (perhaps you already have).

I do hope that you're around still and would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Stitch]

Dear Valley,

I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you as every person's reaction to grief is different.  But the syptoms of depression are pretty much the same:

I think it's safe to say that your friend would be feeling sad, tired, hopeless and isolated.  She needs help both psychologically & medically.  If she hasn't left the house in a while & is unwilling to allow you in, she will continue to struggle on her own. 

You said in your post that you could see desperation in her eyes?  It sounds like she needs help not "space".  

If she's really down, she may not be eating well.  Can you bring her a pot of homemade soup or a casserole?  Maybe a some freshly baked bread and/or a cake?  She wouldn't be able to refuse your visit & once inside you'll be able to make a better assessment of the situation.

Does she need help with housework, laundry, etc. Does she have food in the fridge?  Are her bills up to date?  I'm not suggesting you pay for these things, only that she may need help in attending to these everyday essentials.

I know that when I'm really sad I withdraw & want to be alone but at the same time I'm desperate to have someone take care of me.  Someone to talk to and just hold my hand & tell me that everything's going to be OK.

It sounds like you are the kind of person who can do that for your friend.

Good luck Valley.

Regards

Stitch

[AGrace]

HI Valley,

It's great that you have received some support from various community members. I know you also found Stitch's article really helpful. Helping a friend with depression can be such a challenge. It's incredible that your friend has you watching over her.

You may also find connecting with others very useful, especially if they are in similar situations. Have you had a look at the following threads?

Help my depressed friend (long read)

Helping my friend with anxiety

Talking to friends or rellies about our illness

I look forward to hearing back from you. I'd love to hear how your friend is doing.

AGrace

[Valley]

Hi Neil1 & Stitch! 

Thanks guys for the response! To answer your question Neil1, the husband left almost 8 months ago. After 3 years together they still don’t have a bub but I know how much they tried to be pregnant. And, no she’s an only child and her mum lives in another city.   Stitch, I did exactly what you advised after I read the article you shared in another post. Two days ago I went to visit her again with some goodies. At first she refused to let me in again, but this time I insisted. She has been OC with cleaning and sprucing up but now her home is a sad sight to see – dirty dishes in the sink, dust & dirt everywhere and even her bed was unmade. I “forced” her to eat while I started to straighten up. The next thing I heard was a heart-rending wail of angusih and when I turned to her she cried for a long time. All I can do was hugh her tight and kept repeating, “everything will be all right.” She has not spoken a word, but when I left, I think she is much better. I visited her again yesterday and stayed with her the whole day, this time there was no resistance. She has not opened up yet, and uh and ah are her only replies to my “monologue” but it sure is an improvement. Do you think she’ll welcome the idea of talking with someone with more authority like a priest?